Daily WHUFC News - 15TH October 2014

The Big Interview - Neil McDonald
WHUFC.com
Assistant manager Neil McDonald is delighted with the Hammers' start to the
season
14.10.2014

West Ham United assistant manager Neil McDonald is delighted with the
Hammers' start to the season. Here he talks about the impressive impact the
new signings have had, Teddy Sheringham's new role and targeting a top half
finish.

Neil, it's been an impressive start to the season, have you been surprised
how well we've done so far?

NMc: "Not really, it's disappointing that we haven't got a couple more
points on the board. I'm pleased with the points we do have. We've picked up
our first away win of the season and now we've won two on the bounce at home
which is great. That gives confidence to everybody for the rest of the
season."

Fans and media alike have picked up on the positive performances as well as
the results, is that something you've been working on?

NMc: "I think personnel recruitment has been very good over the summer. I've
been at the club for almost four years now, in that time even the way people
come in has changed. We've also changed the formation round a little bit and
the style. I think last season we scored a lot of goals from open play and
then injuries slowed us down. In the end we didn't get as many points as we
should have done.
"I think the new signings have helped bring a freshness in. They can play
the ball well, perhaps better than we've had before. We're creating more
chances than we've done before, we're getting more of the ball and sticking
the chances away more regularly."

We brought in nine new signings in the summer, are you pleased with how
quickly they have settled in?

NMc: "I am because through experience with other signings it usually takes a
couple of months for the new signings to settle in. Certainly if they're
coming from another country that brings more things to deal with such as
getting used to a new culture, buying a house and sorting out schools for
the kids. That's something we do very, very well. We pamper the players if
anything, making sure they're settled, making sure their families are
settled.
"We try and sort it out so they live close together, that helps with the
social side of things and helps them bond as a team. That then helps them to
perform on the training pitch and in the matches.
"All the new signings have taken to the role they've been assigned very,
very well. I've been impressed with how they've dealt with the pace and
physicality of the Premier League. They've taken to it like a duck to water
and long may that continue."

Have you done anything differently on the training pitch?

NMc: "We always work very, very hard in training. We concentrate on the
upcoming games from the Monday and in every single session. The aim is that
come matchday the players are thinking, 'I know what to do.'
"I think our pace in the team has vastly improved because it offers us the
chance to switch things if we can't get through, then we can try and go in
behind the defence. We've got lots of people who can know handle the ball
well. That's no disrespect to the players we've had previously but that's
certainly a big improvement."

Teddy Sheringham has come into the coaching staff as attacking coach. He's
talked about how much he's enjoying it here. What has he added since his
arrival?

NMc: "He's added a great amount of experience. The boys have really taken to
his finishing exercises. He's played at the highest level and he's got a
good eye for coaching. He plays a valuable role and his advice is important.
He comes in twice a week to work on finishing, the boys are enjoying it so
it's going well."

We've got more players to come back from injury, in theory things can only
get better?

NMc: "Well you'd like to think so. We were a bit thin against QPR but now
we've got players coming back from injury. Competition for places is always
good as they put pressure on the starting players.
"Mark Noble has been a staple of the team for a number of years, but Alex
Song has come in. So we've had to make a decision about having one or two
sitting midfielders. Cheikhou Kouyate has come in and also done very well.
We've got Kevin coming back and Stewart playing in a new role. So we've got
lots and lots of options."

The manager has spoken about breaking the season into blocks. When you
review the first section of the season, would you say West Ham have achieved
their targets?

NMc: "Yeah we're there with one game spare. Hopefully we're going to be
ahead of schedule. We'll refocus for the next eight games after Burnley. We
have a whole range of targets, not just a points tally but number of goals
scored from open play, number of goals scored from set pieces etc. It
depends slightly on the opposition we've got in the next eight games. We'll
reassess where we're at after Burnley and go from there.
"So it's a process of concentrating on little targets to reach the overall
target of finishing tenth or even higher."

What is a realistic target for this season, a top half finish?

NMc: "With the personnel we have and the start we've had I think it is
realistic, yes. It's about getting the balance of scoring goals and keeping
clean sheets. We're scoring enough so far but not keeping the clean sheets
yet. If we can get the dynamics right, and use the right formation then
we'll bet set for a very interesting season."

Can you go into a bit of detail about what happened with Carlisle. You're
still our assistant manager, can you shed any light?

NMc: "I got a call from the club asking for permission to speak to me. I
spoke to them and went to one of their games which caused a bit of mayhem.
I'm in a great position here at West Ham, I've got a great job here at West
Ham. I love what I do. My family still live up north but I'm totally
committed down here. I want to get back into management of course, but I'll
bide my time. As I said, I've got a great job that I love. We've had a
successful three or four years so long may that continue."

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Brand of football excites Russell
WHUFC.com
West Ham United fan Russell Brand is excited by the impressive start to the
season
14.10.2014

West Ham United fan Russell Brand has been an avid fan since his early
childhood. Despite a busy schedule which includes considerable amount of
travelling, Brand visits the Boleyn Ground as and when he can. Having taken
ten points from the opening seven games, the outspoken comedian and activist
is excited about the Hammers' good start to the season. Speaking at
half-time in the 2-0 win over Queens Park Rangers, Brand enthused: "I think
there's a real change in atmosphere at West Ham, I don't know if it's the
addition of Teddy Sheringham or the new signings. Big Sam has radically
altered the way West Ham are playing. "It's definitely for the better.
We're playing out wide on the wings, and little triangles, it's one of the
most exciting times I've had at West Ham for a while."

The Hammers had a busy transfer market signing nine players, all of whom
have contributed well in their short time at the club. "I like Diafra Sakho
a lot. I like Enner Valencia and Mauro Zarate. But I really love Cheikhou
Kouyate. I love him and it's a shame he's out for a bit. Song looks pretty
strong today."

Brand continued to voice his concern about the injury fans favourite Mark
Noble suffered just before the Manchester United game: "I miss Nobes, and no
one will ever replace him in my heart, when will he be back?"

The international break has given Noble the opportunity to regain fitness
following his calf injury. The midfielder has now returned to full training
and he could make a return against Burnley this Saturday at Turf Moor.
Summarising the season so far, Brand's passion and enthusiasm is clear:
"It's a brilliant time for us. I thought the Liverpool game was wicked. In
the first game of the season against Tottenham we were deadly unlucky. I
think it's a brilliant time to be a West Ham fan. "All the fans are enjoying
it. I wouldn't be surprised to hear 'Big Sam's Claret and Blue army' ring
out anytime soon!"

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Big Sam handed injury boost
WHUFC.com
Mark Noble moves closer to fitness ahead of Burnley clash
13.10.2014

Sam Allardyce has been handed a welcome injury boost ahead of Saturday's
Barclays Premier League trip to Burnley. The West Ham United manager is
likely to have Hammer of the Year Mark Noble available for selection at Turf
Moor after the midfielder returned to full training at Chadwell Heath on
Monday. Noble suffered a calf injury in training in the week leading up to
the 2-1 defeat at Manchester United on Saturday 27 September, missing that
game and the 2-0 home win over Queens Park Rangers, but could be set for a
return at Burnley this weekend. Guy Demel (thigh), James Collins (groin) and
Ricardo Vaz Te (thigh) will be re-evaluated later this week and could also
all be back in Big Sam's squad this weekend, while Carl Jenkinson
(hamstring) is hoping to be fit after being withdrawn from England U21 duty
as a precaution. Midfielder Cheikhou Kouyate's rehabilitation is progressing
well as he continues his comeback from a Grade 2 groin muscle injury, which
he suffered in the 3-1 home win over Liverpool on 20 September. The usual
recovery time for such an injury is six weeks, but the Senegal international
hopes to be fit to return ahead of schedule.

Finally, Andy Carroll is working hard, progressing well and ahead of
schedule as he continues his own recovery from ankle surgery in late July.
The England centre forward is hoping to see some game time in November.

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Mum knows best for Song
WHUFC.com
Alex Song said he followed his mother's advice by joining West Ham United
13.10.2014

The old saying that 'Mum knows best' certainly rings true for West Ham
United midfielder Alex Song. Eyebrows were raised in some quarters when Song
swapped Spanish giants Barcelona for the Hammers in August, signing a
season-long loan deal. However, the move has proved hugely successful so
far, with the Cameroon international producing a string of classy
performances and captaining the side on two occasions.
Six weeks into his spell at the Boleyn Ground, the No30 revealed that he was
reaping the rewards of following his mother's advice.
"My Mum always says 'You have to be happy with what you've got, and I am
very happy here'," Song revealed. "I am very happy here. I am enjoying
training every day, there is a good group of players here. "It's important
to fit in to the group you are working in, and I am doing that here.
Everybody has shown me a lot of love, I feel very welcomed here. At the
moment the team is playing very well, we need to continue to do that and
improve at the same time."

Song's outstanding form has helped the Hammers deal with the absences of
Kevin Nolan, Mark Noble and Cheikhou Kouyate, all of whom have suffered
injuries during the opening weeks of the campaign. Nolan is back in action
after a fractured shoulder, while Noble (calf) and Kouyate (groin) both hope
to be involved when West Ham return to action at Burnley on Saturday 18
October. "In a month's time we'll be even better because we have a few
injured players," Song confirmed. "Hopefully the injured players will be
back after the international break. Kevin is coming back which is good. We
have a very good squad."

That strong squad has so far paid dividends, with West Ham climbing to
seventh in the table courtesy of a string of excellent performances. Indeed,
were it not for unfortunate defeats by Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester
United, the Hammers could be even higher in the standings. While Song is not
allowing himself to get carried away with their promising start, the former
Arsenal player does believe his new club can challenge for a European place
if they maintain their present level. "We have to try our best, if we do
that we can finish in the top ten," he said. "We might be able to get Europe
if we play very well, it is possible for sure. "For me it is very important
that we aim high. It is also very important for the fans. I'm not saying
we'll get into the top four, but we will try to finish as high as possible
in the league. "Everyone is focused on that. It won't be easy with clubs
like Chelsea, Manchester City and Arsenal who are very strong, but we have
to stay positive."

Song has used the current international break to return to his home country
to visit family and friends. They, no doubt, will be as impressed as his new
team-mates and supporters have been with his flamboyant fashion sense. Most
mornings, the 27-year-old posts photographs of his outfit for the day on his
official Instagram page, impressing the vast majority of his followers, but
not team-mate Noble! "It's difficult to follow me because I don't have one
style!" he smiled. "Today I can be cool in a suit, or sometimes I can dress
like a crazy guy. "Mark Noble said to the others I had the worst clothes
he'd ever seen in his life but that's me, I like to be fashionable. "I don't
like to have just one style, I have to be different. I want to surprise
people, so they don't know what to expect. I like to play with the fashion.
Some people like it, some people don't. It's my personality and I'll never
change it."

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Mediawatch - 14 October
WHUFC.com
whufc.com's daily round-up of the Hammers stories making the news
14.10.2014

In the Newcastle Journal, 'close pals' of Andy Carroll have laughed off
suggestions that he could return to his hometown club. The story reiterates
Carroll's desire to repay the Hammers for their faith in him by returning
from injury as soon as possible.

The Ilford Recorder's interview with Hammers assistant boss Neil McDonald
features his view that the current squad is the best he has worked with
during his time in E13.

The Mirror report that West Ham and QPR will battle it out for the signature
of Lazio's Abdoulay Konko.

The Mail Online carry a video feature on Enner Valencia's stunning goal for
Ecuador against the USA.
Finally, Givemesport run this light-hearted feature, in which they suggest a
young Sam Allardyce resembled One Direction's Harry Styles.

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Etherington on trial at Millwall
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

Veteran winger Matthew Etherington is hoping to secure a move to
Championship side Millwall. The 33-year-old wide-man trained with West Ham
earlier in the year in order to maintain his fitness during pre-season, but
having failed to secure a contract with a Premier League club Etherington
has now set his sights further down the pyramid. Etherington - who was
signed by Alan Pardew in August 2004 stayed with West Ham for six seasons
during which time he represented the club at Cardiff in two play off Finals
and an FA Cup Final. He was also part of the squad that took part in the
club's most recent European campaign - a short-lived run in the 2007 UEFA
Cup which began - and ended - in Palermo. He is now set to spend a fortnight
with the Lions as he hopes to earn a permanent contract.

* In other news, MK Dons' Jordan Spence - who left West Ham last summer
after nine years with West Ham - says he is enjoying featuring regularly at
first team level for the first time in his career. Spence played just a
handful of games for West Ham's first team and admits he is happy just to be
playing. "Wherever I'm asked to play I'll play," he told MK Web. "I like
playing at full back and before I came here last season I probably hadn't
played at centre half for two years consistently but I enjoyed that last
season. "I've been affiliated with West Ham for a very long time and never
done a pre-season away from there. "It was hard but mentally it was a good
thing - it allows you to re-evaluate and come back even more hungry. I'm
just glad to be back here and playing now."

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A Song for Europe?
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

West Ham's on-loan midfielder Alex Song believes European qualification is
within reach this season. Song, who is at West Ham for the rest of the
campaign on loan from parent club Barcelona has expressed his pleasure at
the ease in which he and his family have settled back into London life, two
years after the Cameroon international left for Spain. Encouraged by his new
club's decent start to the 2014/15 season, the 27-year-old insists that a
serious push for a top six spot should be the target this year - an aim
echoed by co-owner David Sullivan in an interview for whufc.tv at the
weekend. "We have to try our best, if we do that we can finish in the top
ten," he told whufc.com. "We might be able to get into Europe if we play
very well; it is possible for sure."It is very important that we aim high.
It is also very important for the fans. I'm not saying we'll get into the
top four, but we will try to finish as high as possible in the league."

West Ham entered the international break seventh in the Premier League
following the comfortable 2-0 win against Queens Park Rangers at the Boleyn
Ground nine days ago. Song - who admits that he is yet to reach peak fitness
- was a key factor in the win and was subsequently awarded the sponsors'
Player of the Match award. (If not KUMB's writers, who selected Stewart
Downing and James Tomkins!) He also enjoyed praise for his performance in
the 3-1 win against Liverpool last month, in which he "showed regular
flashes of his undoubted class".

Although used sparingly by Barcelona last season - he made just 25
appearances, many of which were from the bench - Song did feature in
European competition, making four appearances in the Champions League.
However he only started one of those - a surprise 2-1 defeat at Ajax in
November 2013.

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Kelly joins backroom team
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

Ex-Hammer David Kelly has been named assistant manager of Scunthorpe United.
Kelly, popularly known as 'Ned' spent two seasons at the Boleyn Ground
between 1988 and 1980, during which he scores seven goals in 41 appearances
for West Ham. Purchased from Walsall, for whom he scored 63 goals in 147
appearances Kelly was signed by John Lyall in the wake of Frank McAvennie's
departure to Celtic but failed to shine during his short stay in east London
and was sold to Leicester at the start of the 1990/91 campaign. The 26-times
capped Irish international went on to play for a further eight clubs,
including Sunderland and Newcastle before hanging up his boots in 2002
having made 606 first team appearances (scoring 194 goals). Scunthorpe boss
Mark Robins, speaking in the wake of Kelly's arrival told the local
Telegraph: "The key for me is to get the right staff in place and make sure
we embrace the staff that are already here and help them develop. "We have
to help the players as much as we possibly can to deliver the performances
we are going to need."

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Relegation Roger out in the cold
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

Roger Johnson, who spent the latter half of last season on loan at West Ham
is still searching for a new club - with no prospect of playing for his
current one. The central defender, who made six appearances for West Ham
fell out spectacularly with his current club Wolves some time ago and has
been condemned to train alone since returning from his temporary stint at
the Boleyn Ground. Part of the much-maligned 'Group Three' - ie players at
Wolves on lucrative, long-term, Premier League contracts who have been
frozen out of the first team - Johnson is a free agent next summer but
unable to find a club willing to take him on at present. That has come as
something as a surprise to current Wolves boss Kenny Jackett, who told the
Express & Star: "It's been very quiet with Roger - there are no
developments. But I feel someone, somewhere along the line will need an
experienced defender and give him a break. "I'm surprised he hasn't got
anything fixed up, because he did well at Sheffield Wednesday last season
and well enough to get West Ham to come in. He didn't get many chances at
West Ham, where it always looked like he was going in as a squad player.
"But, at Sheffield, he led the team and played well and I don't know why it
hasn't happened for him."

In the meantime, the 31-year-old - who proved to be a popular figure amongst
the staff and players at West Ham - remains in the football wilderness,
training with fellow outcast Kevin Foley. "They are just generally doing
fitness work and a limited amount of ball work," added Jackett. "It's
frustrating for everyone."

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Carroll: let battle commence
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

Andy Carroll says that he is looking forward to winning back a first team
spot when he returns from his latest injury. The England international is
expected to be available for selection again within the next few weeks.
However in order to win back a first team spot he will have to dislodge at
least one of Diafra Sakho and Enner Valencia, who have formed a formidable
partnership at the head of West Ham's attack so far this season. That fight
is a prospect Carroll says he relishes. "I don't mind a battle, and every
team needs competition for places," he told the Standard's Marc Isaacs.
"That is one of the things we have here - everyone is fighting for their
place. "I've had mixed emotions watching the team this season. I am
desperate to be out there on the pitch but I remember the Liverpool game
when I was jumping up and down watching from the box. I think I did enough
work for that day on my ankle! "I know I've had problems with injuries and
I'm not hiding away from that. Hopefully this is the last one and I can get
it out of the way."

At the weekend, both David Sullivan and Alex Song insisted that finishing in
the top six this season was not an impossibility; it's a mantra that Carroll
repeats. "When I first signed for the club the manager said this team could
get into the top six and into Europe," he said. "I can see the plan coming
together now - it is not out of the question. With the players we have I
can't see any reason why we can't do that. The quality is there, and with
the new stadium coming we have everything else going for us."

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West Ham linked with 'the new Suker'
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

West Ham are one of a series of clubs to be linked with a move for Croatian
Andrej Kramaric. The 23-year-old striker is yet to play outside of his come
country but could be set for a money-spinning move to one of Europe's top
leagues this winter after impressing for his current club Rijeka, with West
Ham just one of a number of clubs monitoring his situation. Kramaric, who
spent 15 years with Dinamo Zagreb before moving to the Riječki bijeli last
year scored more than 450 goals as a youth player for the club he initially
joined as a six-year-old. Having made his Croatian league debut in 2009,
Kramaric spent the 2012/13 season on loan at Lokomotiva for whom he scored
20 goals in 44 appearances. It is form that he had retained at his new club
for whom he scored 30 times last season in 41 games. This season, the
£4million-rated forward - who has been likened to former Croat striker Davor
Suker by current national coach Niko Kovac - has scored an incredible 16
goals in 18 starts including three in the Europa League, a competition in
which West Ham hope to be participating next season. AC Milan, Genoa,
Championship side Fulham plus a number of Russian Premier League clubs are
all said to be keeping tabs on Kramaric, whose existing contract is
scheduled to expire at the end of the current season.


Andrej Kramaric: Career Stats

2014/15 (Rijeka): Pld 18 Gls 6 Assts 2
2013/14 (Rijeka): Pld 41 Gls 30 Assts 4 Bkd 5
2012/13 (Lokomotiva): Pld 32 Gls 15 Assts 9 Bkd 4
2011/12 (Zagreb): Pld 14 Gls 5 Assts 1
2010/11 (Zagreb): Pld 14 Gls 1 Assts 1
2009/10 (Zagreb): Pld 29 Gls 7 Assts 4
2008/09 (Zagreb): Pld 1

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Noble back in contention
KUMB.com
Filed: Tuesday, 14th October 2014
By: Staff Writer

Mark Noble is back in contention for a first team spot after being declared
fit to face Burnley at Turf Moor this weekend. The club's vice captain has
been out of action since damaging a calf in the 3-1 win over Liverpool last
month, but has returned to training this week according to whufc.com - all
of which gives Sam Allardyce something of a selection problem. With club
captain Kevin Nolan also fit for purpose once again, Big Sam will have to
decided whether to change a winning team to incorporate either Noble or
Nolan. Whilst Nolan - who made his first team comeback as a late substitute
for Mauro Zarate against QPR - has been feeling his way into the team, Noble
will almost certainly replace Morgan Amalfitano should a reshuffle be deemed
appropriate. Meanwhile there's similarly good news on the injury front where
England Under 21 Carl Jenkinson is concerned; the on-loan full back pulled
out of international duty last week after feeling a hamstring but should be
fit to face the Clarets on Saturday afternoon. Fellow right back Guy Demel
is also hoping to be fit enough to play following his recent thigh injury,
as is centre half James Collins - who also pulled out of international duty
with a groin strain. Elsewhere Cheikhou Kouyate, who limped off the field
following West Ham's 3-1 win over Liverpool three weeks ago is reported to
be ahead of schedule in his fight for fitness and could be involved again
prior to the six-week schedule initially mooted as his recovery period.
November is also when Andy Carroll hopes to be fit enough to be considered
for selection once again; the 25-year-old striker, who is yet to feature
this season and was linked with a return to Newcastle at the weekend is said
to be desperate to play once again. In the opposition camp, Burnley manager
Sean Dyche has a number of injury concerns of his own with top striker Danny
Ings (hamstring) plus midfielders David Jones and Dean Marney all hoping to
recover from recent spells on the sidelines in time to face West Ham. "It's
been good, we will wait and see how things go along this week but they are
going nicely at the minute," said Dyche. "We will see how the training goes
this week."

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Andy Carroll vows to fight for place in West Ham first team
Last Updated: 14/10/14 7:13pm
West Ham striker Andy Carroll has insisted he is ready to fight for a
first-team spot when he makes his long-awaited return from injury.
SSN

The former Liverpool hitman has had to endure a difficult start to life at
Upton Park since making the move to London last summer, with numerous
fitness problems leading to long spells on the treatment table. After
undergoing surgery in America in the summer, the 25-year-old looked set to
be out of action until December, but Carroll has made a speedy recovery, and
could be available for selection in early November. Hammers boss Sam
Allardyce has considerably bolstered his strikeforce in the summer, with
Mauro Zarate, Diafra Sakho and Enner Valencia already notching six league
goals this campaign. But despite being behind such an in-form attacking
triumvirate in the pecking order, Carroll is adamant he is ready to fight
for a starting berth. "I don't mind a battle, and every team needs
competition for places," Carroll told the London Evening Standard. "That is
one of the things we have here. Everyone is fighting for their place.
"I am desperate to be out there on the pitch." "It has been mixed emotions
for me watching the team this season. "I am desperate to be out there on the
pitch but I remember the Liverpool game when I was jumping up and down
watching from the box. I think I did enough work for that day on my ankle!
"I know I've had problems with injuries and I'm not hiding away from that.
"Hopefully this is the last one and I can get it out of the way. The club
have put a lot of faith in me, paying so much money, but I don't feel like
I've let them down. It's an injury that I couldn't help." Carroll also moved
to play down speculation linking him with a sensational move back to former
club Newcastle, insisting he is excited by the prospect of playing at the
Olympic Stadium with the Hammers. "It looks fantastic and everyone is
looking forward to being there," Carroll added. "We cannot wait to be a part
of it. It's going to be one of the best grounds around - both the inside and
outside look fantastic."

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TWO SONGS - WE'VE ONLY GOT TWO SONGS
By Brian Williams 14 Oct 2014 at 08:00
West Ham till I Die

Sorry to keep you waiting – I'll be right with you. Just give me a minute
while I strap on my tin helmet and zip up the flak jacket before I finish
this sentence, but I am yet to be convinced by Alex Song.

It's early days, of course, and I could be wrong (judging by the howls of
protest, many of you clearly think I am). However, there does appear to be a
distinct touch of the headless chicken about the lad. I'm all for a bit of
enthusiasm, but against QPR he lacked the composure expected of a captain.
And some of his frenetic tackling in the first half at Old Trafford made
John Moncur look like Franz Beckenbauer on largactil. Song was fortunate to
stay on the pitch longer than England captain and cult hero Wayne Rooney.
(Rooney, Rooney, You're A Cult.)

In his defence, though, I am prepared to concede on the evidence of what
I've seen so far that he is a far better player than his cousin Rigobert,
who is a central plank of my personal Worst Ham United.

I'm not pretending for one moment that there is anything original about
picking a fantasy team of your favourite failures – but it is certainly much
more of a challenge than selecting the all-time greats which, let's face it,
is relatively simple if you're born to the claret and blue.

My thoughts returned to the subject over the weekend and its dreary
international break. When West Ham aren't playing I get bored, so revising
some of my invitation XIs seemed a good a way as any to fill in the time.
Mrs W thought tidying up the garden might be more productive, but I didn't
think the weather was trustworthy enough for that.

I just wish the concept of a low boredom threshold had been recognised
earlier. That way, when I was a kid at school, I might have got some
sympathy for having a syndrome, rather than being considered a disruptive
influence. Take the unfortunate incident of the teacher and the chair.

He was one of those "call me Chris" teachers – how can you have any respect
for people like that? He was also very fond of leaning back in his chair to
show the class he truly was one cool dude. So I came up with the idea of
bringing in my Dad's Phillips screwdriver and putting some of my limited
woodwork skills to good use. (Not that I got on particularly well with the
woodwork teacher either – I had once used a chisel to shave some of the
bum-fluff from a friend's neck as he bent over his bench and Mr
Whatever-his-name-was had misconstrued the incident as an attempted
stabbing.)

Anyway, before my next lesson with Call Me Chris I got there early and
whipped out all the screws in his chair, replacing them with matchsticks.
The whole thing held together just long enough for him to sit down and lean
back, when it and him collapsed in a heap. From where I was sitting it was
genuinely funny – and would have been funnier still if the idiot hadn't hit
his head on the blackboard behind and rendered himself temporarily
unconscious.

As I explained afterwards, I wasn't being malicious – it's just that I get
bored easily. However, the "butterfly mind" defence was inadmissible in 1971
and I got a serious stretch of detention as a result. But I digress.

This week's column is really about trying to elicit your team of all-time
losers. But before we do, here's mine in my favoured 4-4-2: It's Allen
McKnight, Rigobert Song, Steve Walford, Gary Breen, Mitchell Thomas, Freddie
Ljungberg, Nigel Quashie, Ilie Dumitrescu, Peter Eustace, David Kelly and
Ted MacDougall.

You may well disagree with a number of those selections, and I can
understand why. I don't think anyone can put up a serious argument against
McKnightmare – he truly was in a class of his own. But at the back there are
any number of players making a strong claim for inclusion: Gary Charles,
Ragnvald Soma, Paul Hilton, Calum Davenport and John Cushley all made the
shortlist. Some might even suggest George Parris, but I'm not having that.
Not George!

And what about midfield? No Franz Carr, Andy Impey, Dudley Tyler or Dale
Gordon! I hear you cry. Nor Nigel Reo-Coker? Then there's Matthew Rush [NOTE
FROM IAIN: You have to be joking!!!], Luis Boa Morte and Florin "two bob"
Raducioiu. This isn't easy, although Joey Beauchamp did make the task a
little less tricky by ensuring he never actually turned out for West Ham
during his 58 days at the club, thus ruling himself out of contention today.

Dutchman Marco Boogers, on the other hand, did play for us – making four
appearances as a substitute, which included a sending off for a chest-high
tackle on Gary Neville at Old Trafford that did not go down well with a
red-faced man whose name escapes me at present. Before the hapless Boogers
was finally sent back to the land of his birth permanently there was an
oft-repeated story in the Sun that he had returned to Holland feeling sorry
for himself and was holed up in a caravan. However, it turns out this was
not entirely true and, in fact, the reporter had actually been told he'd
gone on holiday by car again. An easy mistake to make – it could have
happened to any of us.

That aside, what little anyone saw of him convinced us all he was utterly
useless, which is why he made the shortlist for one of the two places up
front in my Worst Ham side. But, like Mike Small, John Radford, Jimmy
Greaves, Sandy Clark and Lee Chapman he doesn't quite get the nod for the
first team. Sometimes, as a manager, you just have to go with your gut
feeling.

On the subject of guts, I've also put together a team that's not so much an
XI but more of an XL. As a man who carries some excess timber myself, I'd be
perfectly happy to manage a squad that puts up a bit of overweight. (There's
nothing wrong with having a stout manager – just remember to call him "Big"
not "Fat" or, as I have discovered, you can upset a lot of loyal fans.)

The captain's armband for my team of tubbies would, of course, have to go to
Frank "one man and his forklift truck" Lampard Jnr. Waddling out behind him
would be Neil Ruddock, John Hartson, Julian Faubert, Luis Boa Morte, Julian
Dicks (gulp – did I really just say that?), Mido, Titi Camara, Brian Dear,
Jimmy Greaves and – bringing up the rear by quite some way – Benni McCarthy.
You'll notice I haven't bothered with a keeper. Quite honestly, you wouldn't
need one. Just grease 'em up and lever any of those salad-dodgers between
the sticks and no opposition striker is going to be disturbing the onion bag
in a hurry.

If you don't fancy the porkers, how about a team of Alans? Sealey,
Devonshire, Dickens, Curbishley etc. Of course, you'd have to play a few out
of position – the only defender I can think of is Alan Stephenson. And I'd
cheat by including Paul, Martin and Clive Allen (crafty, eh?) But the good
news is you don't have to go with McKnight in goal: there's a guy called
Alan Dickie who turned out in the green jersey a dozen times for us in the
early Sixties and although I never saw him play I just know he's better than
McNit.

As I mentioned earlier, it's now your turn to do some of the work (this
internet malarkey doesn't write itself, you know.) What we want is some or
all of the following:

1. Your Worst Ham XI;
2. A select XI of your own choosing (midgets, maybe – or Tommys
perhaps?) and;
3. The correct names of this nickname fantasy team: Eric, Muffin,
Stretch, Reggie, Pancho, Ticker, Hadleigh (aka Boog), Harpo, Sparrow, Psycho
and Sarge.

There must be no conferring and please write on one side of the web only.
Also, before you attempt Question 3 let me remind you that the punishment
for cheating is severe. Miscreants who this week find themselves in the
Headmaster's office because they peaked at Google will truly learn the
meaning of penitence. Mr Dale has video footage of every penalty shoot-out
in which West Ham have participated, and he is not afraid to use it. You
have been warned.

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It's official – Carroll staying at West Ham
Posted by Hugh5outhon1895 on October 14, 2014 in Whispers
Claret & Hugh

Well now it really is official – all the 'Andy Carroll back to Newcastle'
stuff has proved to be entirely false – as reported by the newspaper that
started the bandwagon rolling.

The Newcastle Chronicle – which claimed the move was very much on and that
the Hammers were ready to "offer" the striker back to the club for £6
million has now reported 'the deal that never was' won't happen.

And they back it up with a quote from his agent Mark Curtis who when asked
whether it was on said: "Not a chance."

A report on www.chroniclelive .co.uk says that he has told close friends he
has no intention of leaving the east end even if he was made available.

ClaretandHugh has regularly reported – and been the only media source to do
so over the last 48 hours – that Carroll will definitely be staying having
been told by a top club insider: "We don't offer our players to any clubs.

And co chairman David Gold said: "He will come back a new player and is
desperate to do well for his club and is focused too on an England return."

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Macca's media moment has been good news
Posted by Hugh5outhon1895 on October 14, 2014 in Whispers
Claret & Hugh

MaccaIt's been very refreshing indeed to read the thoughts of Neil McDonald
over the past couple of days! We've been treated to his thoughts on a range
of issues including the birth of the diamond formation, Stewart Downing's
role within it, how Andy Carroll may or may not fit into things on his
return, the outstanding form of Diafra Sakho, how they found him and took a
chance on him…plus much more.

Alongside that was an entirely honest and lengthy explanation of why he is
still assistant manager of the club after being heavily courted to become he
become boss of Carlisle United – a role now filled by Keith Curle.

And maybe that's the clue as to why he is being given the opportunity to
'meet the media ' in such a big way.

For he made it clear that he is very keen to become a manager at some stage
– in fact the word 'desperate' crept into one interview.

Perhaps Macca is now being given his head to explain how he feels about
everything that's happening at the club and handed a more high profile role
by the manager.

If that is the thinking it's all to the good for as the training ground guru
he has shown just what a good coach he is and not somebody we want to lose
when the first suitable job comes along.

Such has been the quality of his interviews this week I hope we are treated
to a lot more – he puts things simply and doesn't waste words.

And that really is very refreshing indeed at West Ham United management
level!

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Irons to make crucial Reid decision in days
Posted by Hugh5outhon1895 on October 14, 2014 in Whispers
Claret & Hugh

West Ham are close to making a decision on Winston Reid's future! The
board's hand is being forced to make a decision on 'listening to offers'
given the lack of response on the new contract that's been put in front of
the central defender. ClaretandHugh was told exclusively today that unless
talks re-start within days a decision may have to be made to listen to
offers for the player. This will involve telling Reid's advisers that they
are now free to find a club for the Kiwi should he have decided not to sign
a new deal and alerting their own agents to the player's availability. But
significantly this shows that for all the talk of interest from Liverpool
and Arsenal, the Irons has yet to receive a single inquiry for the player.
We were told: "The truth is there has been no offer or inquiry from
anywhere and quite frankly the club would have expected something to by now
particularly if any of the big clubs were interested."
Our source added that it made no economic to continue paying wages which run
into hundreds of thousands over the February, March, April and May if there
is going to be no return in the summer in terms of a transfer fee. He said:
" There needs to be some talking done over the next few days o decide where
we are going. We are now close to the end game."

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Reid contract update
Posted by Hugh5outhon1895 on October 14, 2014 in Whispers
Claret & Hugh

West Ham want Winston Reid to sign a five year deal which would keep him at
the club until he is 31 years old. And their enthusiasm to keep the player
is demonstrated by the £10k a week rise he has received so far and the one
they have now put on offer. Since ClarertandHugh's story earlier today new
details have emerged with our source admitting: "We have still heard
nothing. This is brinkmanship of the most extreme kind. "The club remain
confident of him signing a new deal because there has been no approach from
any of the top six and what we have on the table would more than see off any
club but those. They want him for another five years."
Reid arrived as an unknown 22 year old signing a three year deal – since
extended – on £15k a week before that was raised by £10k a week on the
club's promotion to the Premier League. Now the board has put a bumper new
near £60k a week deal on the table which gives him a 100 per cent rise plus.

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