Daily WHUFC News - 12TH August 2013

Ravel thrilled with debut Boleyn strike
WHUFC.com
West Ham United youngster Ravel Morrison was thrilled to notch his first home goal on Saturday
11.08.2013

Ravel Morrison could not hide his delight at notching his first Boleyn Ground goal in Saturday's pre-season win over Pacos de Ferreira. The West Ham United youngster wore a broad smile as he recalled stroking the ball past Pacos keeper Antonio Filipe to give the Hammers the lead with just 16 seconds played.
Modibo Maiga notched a second as West Ham moved two in front before the break, and although the Portuguese visitors pulled one back after half time, Morrison was happy to pick up another win ahead of the big kick-off. "It was my first goal at the Boleyn Ground so it was a great feeling and I was buzzing when I scored it," he beamed. "I've never scored that quickly before and I was in two minds a little bit. I was thinking should I chip him or smash it, and I actually ended up placing it. "I didn't want to get in trouble for chipping it! "It was a good end to pre-season and i think we've had a good summer. We've only been beaten twice, so it's been good. I've really enjoyed it. "We've had a useful week against the Portuguese teams. To beat Pacos de Ferreira, who are in the Champions League this season, is good for us."

Morrison has enjoyed a terrific pre-season campaign after returning to the Club following a year on loan with Sky Bet Championship side Birmingham City.
The 20-year-old has scored six goals in West Ham's warm-up games and he is hoping to be involved when the Barclays Premier League action gets underway.
"It's been really good this pre-season," he stated. "The lads have helped me, talked me through when I'm playing. "To be honest, at the start of pre-season I thought I was going to get a few games, but I didn't think I'd play as much as I have. "It has been great to be involved and now I can't wait for the season to start against Cardiff next week. "We've come back stronger and shown in pre-season that we're going to give it a real fight to finish higher in the league. "Personally, my targets are just to try and get into the first team and play a few games."

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Hammers eye Portuguese international
KUMB.com
Filed: Sunday, 11th August 2013
By: Staff Writer

Besiktas are considering a €3.5million offer from West Ham for Portuguese striker Hugo Almeida, according to sources in Turkey. The 29-year-old is out of contract with the Turkish club next year and the Black Eagles are said to be keen to offload the Portuguese international in order to free up space for Tottenham's Emmanuel Adebayor, who they are keen to sign. According to Fanatik, West Ham will meet representatives of the former Boavista and Werder Bremen striker early next week to thrash out personal terms. Almeida, who is out of contract soon and was thought to be considering a new three-year offer from Besiktas is privately said to be interested in a move to England. Having started his career with hometown club Associação Naval 1º de Maio, Almeida signed for Porto as a 16-year-old back in 2000. He made his first team debut three years later before enjoying loan spells with União de Leiria and Boavista.

After a third loan stint, this time in Germany, Almeida signed a four-year deal with Bundesliga club Werder Bremen in 2007 who paid €4million for his signature; the forward deciding to move as his first team opportunities at Porto became limited. He opened the 2007/08 season with seven goals in his first 12 games and went on to finish the campaign with 16 goals in all competitions. The following season - 2008/09 - Almeida scored nine times in the Bundesliga and was part of the team that made it all the way to the UEFA Cup Final. His third season in Germany also ended with him reaching double figures; his seven league goals were complemented by four in other competitions as Bremen went on to finish third in the league and qualify for the Champions League.

Almeida was well on his way to hitting double figures for a fourth successive year when Besiktas made a €2million offer for a player who had just a matter months remaining on his contract - and in December, he moved to the Turkish club signing a three-and-a-half year contract. Having made his full international debut in 2004, Almeida has gone on to represent his country on 47 occasions, scoring 17 goals.

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Hamad set for West Ham talks, says agent
KUMB.com
Filed: Sunday, 11th August 2013
By: Staff Writer

West Ham are set to hold talks with the agent of Swedish international midfielder Jiloan Hamad, according to Sport Bladet. KUMB.com revealed last month how United were being linked with a move for the 22-year-old, who is out of contract with his current club Malmo at the end of this year. And according to Ferhat Cifci, Hamad's agent and representative, the two parties are set to discuss a potential permanent transfer later today. "We will meet to talk with each other and find out how West Ham's offer looks," Cifci told Sport Bladet. "It is a good discussion to get into but nothing is certain until they have agreed terms with Malmo. Therefore, we will not discuss any personal terms. "If Jiloan continues to play like he did the last time, even bigger clubs than West Ham may become interested. We have plenty of time before the transfer window closes and a new one opens in January."

Hamad, who is primarily employed as a winger has less than six months remaining on the two-year contract he signed with MFF back in 2011 and is therefore allowed to speak to other clubs. Last season (2012) he scored six goals and contributed nine assists for Malmo in the Allsvenskan, whilst he was an unused substitute in Sweden's famous 4-2 win against England at the Friends Arena in November 2012. In this year's Allsvenskan (which runs from March 2013 to November 2013), Hamad has already scored five times whilst providing a further four assists from the wing.

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West Ham forced to withdraw new kit from general sale
KUMB.com
Filed: Sunday, 11th August 2013
By: David Meagher

In a dramatic effort to stem the chaos that has followed the recent release of West Ham's gorgeous new home strip, the club have been forced to withdraw the kit from general sale and recall all items so far purchased in an effort to protect fans who have been exposed to 'a number of significant health and safety dangers'.

In the brief period since the strip was put on general release, a flood of dads and other middle-aged past-it losers have sustained serious back and other 'I think I've done myself a mischief' type- injuries whilst attempting all sorts of unfeasible footie acrobatics and similar antics trying to copy the skills of the incredible team of '86 on whose kit the new jersey is modelled.

While the spirit of '86 brings back memories of TC and God slamming in goals here, there and everywhere - while Alvin and the boys formed an almost impenetrable fortress in front of Phil Parkes' goal – the mid-eighties also reminds them of a time when many were still players on the disco dance floors. Reports have been flooding in of Hammers fans engaging in provocative hip thrusting and other 'tasty' dance moves whilst adorned in the new kit.

In related developments, West Ham Supporters Wives Support Network (WHSWSN) have reported a massive increase in 'wearing footie jerseys to bed' offences and are said to be preparing to lodge a formal complaint to Messrs Sullivan and Gold. These difficulties are somewhat ironic given that Mr Gold's Ann Summers products have been saving tired marriages for years with their lingerie ranges that are especially designed for the curvaceous mature woman.

Dr Adrian Shagbottom, Consultant Lead in Accident and Emergency Medicine at Basildon University Hospital has revealed how their casualty has been filled to the gills with a variety of foolish orthopaedic injuries sustained whilst wearing these new jerseys. In one particularly tragic case, a man from Laindon managed to amputate his right foot whilst attempting a Ray 'Tonka' Stewart-type tackle on the family lawnmower.

As if these tragic developments were not enough to warrant a total recall of the new attire, it has also emerged that other Hammers fans have sustained severe psychological trauma whilst wearing the new top in public places. The jersey is so attractive that it has proven irresistible to the predatory females who stalk the 21st century. Arthur Winkleweird, a fork lift driver from Pitsea, developed severe tinnitus as a result of persistent wolf whistling after attempting to do the weekly grocery shopping adorned in the kit.

Other fans have made the mistake of wearing the kit out socially and had their niteclub experiences ruined by sexual intimidation from steamed-up disco-babes. One such victim, Bob Wigglewand explained "the harassment from females was so intense that I couldn't focus on the music or even enjoy my glass of lager shandy – it ruined my night completely".

Vulnerable.

Top psychobabbleologists have warned about the particularly dangerous combination of the new jersey with Frank McAvennie-style blond highlights which it is feared could result in serious crush injuries caused by a stampede of admirers trying to fondle and caress unsuspecting Hammers fans who have been labelled by top doctors as "Dangerously shagtastic".

The strip recall will remind footie fans of similar kit disasters in the past, especially the amusing Man United 'grey' kit that was immediately withdrawn after a humiliating defeat during it first airing against Southampton in the 1990s. Blaming the colour of their away strip was just one of many excuses the wily Alex Ferguson used to try and conceal the fact that Paul 'Guvnor' Ince was no longer up to it in midfield.

Similarly, Republic of Ireland fans will feel the sting of old wounds relating to their Fluorescent orange strip disaster against Macedonia from the same period. Jason McAteer recently revealed that the real reason he launched an indiscriminate kung-fu style kick at one of the unsuspecting Macedonian's was to stop them laughing at the offensively garish Irish kit. Both of these jerseys are now much sought after collector's items, offering some hope that the two-Davids might recoup some of their outlay on the new apparel.

Meanwhile, as Hammers fans wander the streets of Europe in the sensational near gear, Dr Max Intertrigo, chief physician at one of London City's biggest STD clinics, has warned Hammer's fans to be careful how they use the new strip, especially around hunk-hungry soccer babes. In a carefully prepared statement sources close to the FA moved to calm the frenzy "While we support the use of football for personal enjoyment and in moderate quantities, we do not condone excessive use of football as a means of self-expression and cannot recommend that users engage in abuse of football (or its equipment) to promote social intercourse".

Sad and boring Arsenal and Man United fans who invest their whole identities in the success of their preferred football teams are likely to find these new guidelines devastatingly life changing. Thankfully for Gooner's fans, the club have taken a lead by releasing a new away kit that is so hilarious that it is unlikely to ever be seen in public.

For the club this this latest debacle emphasises the many challenges of managing a precious commodity like a football club that is massively steeped in tradition, including the serious dangers of releasing kits that are "simply too cool".

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West Ham scouts spotted at Ligue 1 clash
KUMB.com
Filed: Sunday, 11th August 2013
By: Staff Writer

West Ham United were one of six clubs to send representatives to watch last night's meeting between Bordeaux and Monaco, according to les Girondins. The French club took the unusual step of announcing the names of the (known) club's represented by scouts at last night's Ligue 1 clash, which the visitors won 2-0 courtesy of late goals from Emmanuel Rivière and new signing Radamel Falcao. The most likely target for West Ham's representatives was Bordeaux's 26-year-old central defender/defensive midfielder Ludovic Sane, who has been linked with a move to east London all summer. The two teams lined up as follows:

Bordeaux: Carasso; Mariano, Planus, Sane, Poundjé; Plasil (c), N'Guemo, Obraniak, Poko; Maurice-Belay, Saivet.
Monaco: Subasic; Fabinho, Carvalho, Abidal (c); Obbadi, Toulalan, Ocampos, Rodriguez, Ferreira-Carrasco; Kurzawa, Falcao.

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Defoe: What Are We Waiting For?
By Iain Dale About 11 hours ago 167 comments
West Ham Till I Die

According to the Mail on Sunday, Tottenham are offering Jermain Defoe to QPR for £6 million. Defoe is a goal machine. Well, Sam? What are you waiting for?
If I had £6 million to spend, I know who I'd spent it on. And his name isn't Stewart Downing.

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