Daily WHUFC News - 25th June 2013

Inside the bowels of the Boleyn
WHUFC.com
Stadium Tours give Hammers supporters a unique insight behind the scenes at
the Boleyn Ground
24.06.2013

What club historian John Helliar doesn't know about West Ham United,
probably isn't worth knowing. The Hammers' very own walking encyclopaedia,
Helliar has been guiding supporters around the Boleyn Ground for some years
now, granting visitors the rare opportunity to peruse behind the scenes.
Guests are invited to amble alongside the hallowed Boleyn Ground turf, sit
in manager Sam Allardyce's seat in the dugout and take a look inside the
home dressing room, all packed into a 90-minute stadium tour. Whether it be
in the Alpari Stand Upper or the Press Room, Helliar is on hand at every
turn to explain the whys and wherefores, blending the club's illustrious
history with the present day goings on. In July, Helliar will hand over the
reins to Hammers greats Phil Parkes and Alan Taylor, who will lead a series
of special Former Player Tours around their old stomping ground.

Helliar told West Ham TV: "I show our visitors all parts of the ground -
everything from the Chairman's Suite upstairs to the Alpari Stand. Then I
take them down to the dressing rooms, the Press Room and all around on pitch
side as well. It gives them the chance to actually see where the action
takes place and sit in the seats where the manager, the staff and all the
substitutes are on matchday.

"The tours have grown over the last few years and I really enjoy it. I find
it fascinating. It's nice to get so many people coming and saying how much
they get out of the experience. It's great to be able to share with them
something about West Ham United, from the very early days of the Thames
Ironworks right through to the present day.

"No two tours are alike. You can always count on getting different reactions
to the various parts of the ground we visit. Different people ask different
questions and about different eras. We get a lot of fans who still remember
the club in the 1960s and 1970s, who have been going with their fathers and
grandfathers for some 30 or 40 years. And then, of course, there's the
current generation who know and love West Ham from the present day."

Helliar himself has long-established family connections with the Hammers,
seeing as his father Jack was club historian and programme editor before
him. The family printing business, Helliar and Sons, which published the
programme for decades, is still based in Barking Road.
As a result, John has no shortage of his own West Ham stories and memories
to share, though it's England's FIFA World Cup triumph in 1966 that still
ranks at the very top.

"One of my favourite parts of the tour is in the Legends Restaurant, where
there is the iconic picture from 1966 of Bobby Moore lifting the Jules Rimet
trophy, on the shoulders of Ray Wilson and Geoff Hurst. There's also the
famous Champions Statue at the end of the Barking Road now, and looking at
them both, it brings back very fond memories of being there with my father.
"I was fortunate enough to see the glory days of the '60s and then other
very special occasions, particularly the European nights under the lights."

For all the satisfaction Helliar gets from the experience, his guests are
typically every bit as enthused with their day out in east London. Martyn
Vincent, with his young nephew Charlie in tow, told West Ham TV: "It's
great, because when you're sitting in the stands, you don't get to see
what's going on behind the scenes."

Meanwhile, young Hammer Elliot Paterson was particularly thrilled to have
seen where his heroes prepare prior to kick-off. He said: "I loved going
along the sideline and sitting in the manager's seat, but mainly walking
around the home dressing room, to see where all the players sit. It's really
exciting to think they actually sit there! I can't really put it into
words."

Helliar urged his fellow Hammers to take up this exciting opportunity,
insisting visitors can be sure of the warmest of welcomes.

"We'd certainly enjoy having you here. We think it's a worthwhile experience
and the feedback we get shows just how much people enjoy it, while they tell
us it's the best tour of any football club they've been to. I think that
says it all."

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Premier League clubs chasing Ecuador winger Jefferson Montero
Last Updated: June 24, 2013 3:09pm
SSN

Ecuador winger Jefferson Montero finally hopes to complete a move to the
Premier League this summer. The Morelia wide-man almost joined Wigan in
January, only for the deal to fall through, but he is now hopeful of sealing
a move to England. It is understood a host of clubs are ready to meet his
buy-out clause of £3.5million, and a number of scouts from English teams
watched him play 90 minute s of Ecuador's World Cup qualifying draw with
Argentina earlier this month. Swansea, West Brom, West Ham and Hull City are
all understood to be keen on the 23-year-old, who has already spent time in
Europe in La Liga.
"Jefferson is ready to move to England," Dan Chapman of Full Contact
confirmed to Sky Sports. "We can confirm a number of clubs are showing an
interest, which is not surprising after his performance against Argentina
last week."

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Karren Brady: 'I love politics, I want to get involved'
By Michael Northcott Monday, 24 June 2013
www.managementtoday.co.uk

Often, you know you're onto a wrong 'un when someone from showbiz thinks
that being a media tart is a reasonable precursor to a political career. But
the latest such case, Karren Brady, could actually have some legs. The
Apprentice star says that she wants to get involved in politics, and is so
determined that she would 'never accept a safe seat'.

She says: 'I would always want a difficult seat: being fast-tracked is not
something that appeals to me.' The self-made millionaire and vice-chairman
of West Ham United FC has often been the subject of speculation about future
Conservative candidates. Some have even suggested that she could one day be
the leader of the party. But for the first time, she has nailed her colours
to the mast, saying: 'I want to get involved.'

Brady's comments come just a week after business secretary Vince Cable
insulted the nation's intelligence by saying that the BBC programme gives 'a
completely false impression about what being an apprentice actually
involves'. If he had watched any episodes of the most recent two series, he
would have learned that the programme doesn't actually feature any type of
apprenticeship whatever. Instead, it is focused on a group of entrepreneurs
pitching for £250,000 of investment from Sugar.

Of course, for the legions of people who were worried that Sugar's weekly
boardroom sackings were representative of life as an actual apprentice, we
feel obliged to point out that it is all theatrics. A geniune apprenticeship
– if you can get one – should be a rewarding and satisfying experience, OK?

Anyway, Brady reckons that the political sphere could do with some more
people with business experience. She said: 'You need people who are right at
the cutting edge. I wish a lot more business people did get into politics.
We'd be in a much better place now.' She's not the only one who thinks that
more politicians ought to have had some 'front-line' experience before going
into the House of Commons and waxing lyrical about the business community.

Vince Cable may be a bit politically whimsy, but he is pretty much the only
front-bencher to have any experience in business prior to politics, having
spent some years at Shell. That must count for something…

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Newcastle table £12m bid for Bony
By Warren Haughton | Monday, June 24, 2013
Talksport

Newcastle are chasing Wilfried Bony but face competition from Everton,
Swansea and Anzhi Makhachkala for the highly-rated Vitesse Arnhem striker.
Alan Pardew is keen to add a top-quality forward to his squad and the
Mapgies have stepped up their interest in Bony, tabling a £12million bid for
the Ivorian.
However, talkSPORT understands Vitesse are holding out for £15 million for
the 24-year-old, who scored 31 goals in the Dutch top-flight last season and
is now keen to test himself in the Premier League. That has opened the door
for Russian side Anzhi, who have big money to spend and could easily meet
Vitesse's valuation, while Everton and Swansea are also monitoring Bony's
situation. West Ham have been heavily linked with a move for the former
Sparta Prague man in the past, but their interest has cooled following the
permanent signing of Andy Carroll from Liverpool.

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Benayoun begins intensive training regime in bid to win contract at West
Brom
By JOHN EDWARDS
PUBLISHED: 10:30, 24 June 2013 | UPDATED: 10:30, 24 June 2013
Daily Mail

Yossi Benayoun has signalled his intent to extend his Barclays Premier
League career by embarking on a week of intensive training with Maccabi
Haifa, ahead of a decision on his future. The Israel midfielder's Premier
League days looked to be over after he was released by Chelsea at the age of
33 and left pondering a possible move to MLS side New York Red Bulls. But
interest from West Brom rekindled his ambition to remain in England and
prove he can still make an impact in the top flight. Eager to convince
Hawthorns boss Steve Clarke that he can cope with the rigours of the Premier
League, the former West Ham, Liverpool and Chelsea winger began a seven-day
conditioning programme with Israeli League runners-up Haifa on Sunday. He
will formulate his plans for next season after that, and after completing
his first session, he admitted he wants to hit the ground running, should he
land one more contract in English football's top division. 'I must work on
my fitness and make sure I am in peak condition, and I am grateful to Haifa
for allowing me to join them for the coming week,' he said. 'I am going to
work hard every day, so that wherever I go when I decide on my future, I
will start the pre-season programme with my new club in good shape. I should
know more next weekend.'

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Record numbers attend open trials day
KUMB.com
Filed: Monday, 24th June 2013
By: Staff Writer

West Ham United Ladies' junior section attracted a record attendance for
their annual trials day last weekend.

More than 130 aspiring young footballers, all eager to wear the famous
claret and blue colours for the forthcoming 2013/14 season attended the
day's two sessions with many coming from top London clubs, local academies
and schools of excellence.

With the high numbers in attendance, the Club's junior managers were
rewarded with the arduous task of whittling down the numbers to form their
new squads for the coming season with existing players and new triallists
all competing for the same positions.


In other WHULFC news the previously-vacant Under 11 manager's position has
been filled by Greg Regan. Greg comes to the club with a strong background
in youth football having coached several local teams (plus Essex youth
Futsal). "I'm really excited to be taking this young West Ham side on," he
said, "and grateful to be given this opportunity."

Finally, the senior Ladies section is in the process of lining up some
exciting pre-season games against tough opposition. One match already
confirmed is against Arsenal Ladies, arguably the strongest women's side in
the country.

Having recently won the Womans' FA Cup with a convincing 3-0 win against
Bristol Academy, Arsenal will be fielding a string of England internationals
who will provide the Hammers with a stern test. In charge for that game will
be new Hammers manager Mark Saunderson.

The Ladies are looking to entice a healthy support to this pre-season
friendly which will be staged on Wednesday, 24th July at Thurrock FC (Ship
Lane, Aveley RM19 1YN). The match is scheduled for a 7.45pm kick off.

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Second Season Syndrome
KUMB.com
Filed: Monday, 24th June 2013
By: David Hautzig

The minute a newly promoted team survives their first year back in the top
flight of English football, talk of a mystical and deadly disease begins.
The dreaded 'Second Season Syndrome'. And the way it's presented makes it
seem plausible. Even logical.

Teams coming up from the Championship can rely on the fact that 16 of the
clubs they will play know them and their methods about as well as they know
the dietary practices of Inuit Eskimos. (Seal blubber is very important to
them, by the way, which always makes me less nervous when I enjoy a bit of
the fat on my pork chops. That's a discussion for another day. Worth it,
too.) They can use their opponent's lack of familiarity to their advantage.
But once the second season gets going, they can no longer rely on that.

However the statistics suggest otherwise. Actually, that's being polite. The
statistics pretty much shoot the whole idea down in my view. Of the 62 teams
that have been promoted to the Premier League, only eight have been
relegated in their second season at the top. Admittedly, it has happened
more in recent times than in the years following the birth of the EPL.

In the 1990s it only happened once. Middlesbrough finished 12th in their
first year up after winning Division One. But in their sophomore campaign
they were relegated on the last day of the season despite spending bags of
money on players like Fabrizio Ravanelli and Emerson to push onward and
upward. And to add insult to injury, it was a three-point deduction for
postponing a fixture that eventually euthanised their EPL life.

As best as I could muster in between work, kids, mowing the lawn, and
reading Twitter (Admit it. You do it too), here are the statistics for the
so-called Second Season Syndrome. I grabbed it off some article online. It
isn't a research paper needed to receive some degree so I just took it at
face value...

Clubs promoted to the Premier League (1992-2012) – 62
Clubs relegated after first season - 27
Clubs relegated after second season – 8

Middlesbrough
1995/96 12th (43 points)
1996/97 19th (39 points)*
*deducted three points

Bradford
1999/00 17th (36 points)
2000/01 20th (26 points)

Ipswich
2000/01 5th (66 points)
2001/02 18th (36 points)

West Brom
2004/05 17th (34 points)
2005/06 19th (30 points)

Reading
2006/07 8th (55 points)
2007/08 18th (36 points)

Hull
2008/09 17th (35 points)
2009/10 19th (30 points)

Birmingham
2009/10 9th (50 points)
2010/11 18th (39 points)

QPR
2011/12 17th (37 points)
2012/13 20th (25 points)


Not so fab: it sooned turned sour for Ravanelli and Juninho at Middlesbrough

Now I'd like to show you Sam Allardyce's numbers throughout his managerial
career. Sam's time at Bolton is the best way to judge him, in my opinion.

2001-02: 40pts, 16th
2002-03: 44pts, 17th (we went down with 42)
2003-04: 53pts, 8th
2004-05: 56pts, 6th
2005-06: 56pts, 8th
2006-07: 56pts, 7th (Bolton were 5th with two to play when Sam left. Everton
finished on 58pts, Spurs on 60.)

Every year he either matched or exceeded his point total from the previous
year. Add that he has never been relegated as a manager, and second season
syndrome seems more like a convenient bit of superstition used by people who
want to "analyse" us. Facts, however, get in the way. We seem to have a
manager and a board that have a methodical and conservative approach to
moving the club forward.

I would even classify the permanent signing of the giant, flying striker
with the ponytail from up north as conservative. During the weeks of Twitter
madness leading up to his putting pen to paper, my best friend Jon would
remind me that from an on-pitch perspective, Andy Carroll joining us
permanently did not add to the squad. It simply maintained what we had last
season.

So bearing that in mind, our record signing was in fact somewhat
conservative because we had tasted the goods before we brought them home to
make dinner. That would NOT have been the case with Bony, Negredo, Hooper,
Rhodes, or any other name that we were linked with to help avoid this Second
Season Syndrome that really doesn't exist.

There is an old cliche that anybody that has ever bought some lumber in the
hope they could build whatever it is they need or want.

Measure twice. Cut once.

As I follow the happenings at our beloved club, I can almost see Sam, Karen,
and the two Davids in their offices with that little squared-off pencil that
every carpenter uses. They measure things out, grab their ruler or square,
and draw the line. Then they do it again. And then they bring it to each
other to have another look. Finally, they cut. It's boring. It's a bit
tedious. But it's also unlikely the framing of the house will crack and
either need serious repair or just collapse one day in the middle of
breakfast.

I am a VERY nervous supporter. There are times I can barely watch our games.
During the playoff final against Blackpool the guy sitting next to me at a
bar was genuinely concerned about me because I was shivering from fear and
worry. And I will almost certainly go through that for large parts of the
upcoming season. But I won't fret because it's our second season back. I
will have regular panic attacks because we are who we are.

West Ham United.

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That Was The Season That Was 2012/13 - Part Four
KUMB.com
Filed: Monday, 24th June 2013
By: Gordon Thrower

Will we get sucked into a relegation scrap? Will we get a refereeing
decision in our favour at Anfield? And will Reading suppoters ever get over
their strange infatuation with inflatable toys? These and other questions
are answered in the concluding part of Gordon Thrower's review of the
2012/13 season, which covers the months of May, February, April and March
2013. Just not in that order though.....

February

David Sullivan starts the month off with an interview in which he reveals
that the transfer deadline came with threats of violence from an unnamed
agent who wanted part of a particular deal. The thought occurs to us that,
that over the years in his chosen profession, Mr Sullivan is likely to have
made acquaintance with a number of very large gentlemen happy to look after
him and, as a result, the agent concerned is either very brave or very
stupid.

England beat Brazil 2-1 at Wembley with goals from Rooney and Lampard. A
double blow or fat power then. The unlikely name of Fred is on the
scoresheet for the Brazilians, who also see Joe Hart save a penalty. Ashley
Cole gets his 100th cap. No comment.

On the pitch we return to winning ways with a 1-0 victory over Swansea at
the Boleyn. We are a lot more dominant than the score suggests, though JJ is
required to make a couple of late saves to keep all three points where they
belong leaving us back in 11th spot on 30 points with 13 matches left to
play. Andy Carroll is on target in his first start since November, prompting
thoughts of what might have been had his season not been so blighted by
injury.

The club announces a new shirt sponsorship deal for 2013/14 with Alpari. Not
having been paying attention when they blagged the naming rights to what I
still think of as the West Stand, I am surprised to discover that the
company is, in fact, a foreign exchange trading business, rather than the
manufacturer of the sort of breakfast cereal made from the stuff found at
the bottom of budgie cages.

Some of that sponsorship money will come in handy at Allardyce Towers
following an FA fine of £8,000 for pointing out that Man Utd get more than
favourable treatment from referees. Allardyce's comments are deemed to bring
the game into disrepute whilst the bias and generally dreadful standards of
refereeing in this country are not. Messenger shot. Again. The FA goes on to
charge Galileo with heresy for suggesting that the Earth orbits the Sun and
not vice-versa only to find that the Catholic church got their first.

Our perennial propensity to travel sickness continues as a struggling Villa
side beat us 2-1 at Villa Park. An og is our only reward as our tendency to
not win games away from the Boleyn reaches worrying proportions. Sam
maintains that we deserved something out of the game, even though our only
consolation in the match comes through an own goal.

For what seems like the tenth month in a row, we are promised a decision on
the Olympic Stadium "within a week" meaning that there will be at least
another week of us having to dodge stupid press statements from Barry Hearn.


One person who won't be about should we move up the road is Freddie
Piquionne. Admit it you thought he'd gone ages ago didn't you?! He's off to
the states where Portland Timbers snap up his services.

The 20th anniversary of the passing of Bobby Moore arrives. Kumb radio,
having survived a dodgy choice of opening night guest, produces what can
only be described as a masterpiece grabbing interviews from such luminaries
as Sir Trevor, Bran Dear, Harry Redknapp and many many more, all of whom
give their time to reminisce about the great man. If you haven't heard the
podcast you really are missing out. It's on something called "iTunes" if you
look hard enough apparently. Kudos once more to messrs. Scull and Longman.

Our old chum Paolo Di Canio is in the news as he walks out of Swindon
following the transfer of a player without his authorisation. Just about
everyone else walks out with him leaving the physio and the kit man as the
only backroom staff available to the club. Di Canio memorably sneaks back
into the club offices in the middle of the night to pick up his personal
belongings.

There's more commemoration of Bobby as we play Spurs. Or rather Gareth Bale
as they have rightly become known. Bale is on target twice and a Sigurdsson
scramble give Spurs a largely undeserved 3-2 win, Bale's winner coming in
stoppage time to give Spurs a win in their cup final.

The League Cup Final is contested between Swansea and League Two (Division 4
in old money) Bradford City. Contested is probably the wrong word as for
Bradford, who have eliminated Wigan (tee hee), Arsenal (tee hee) and Villa
(meh), it proves to be a match too far as the Taffs romp home 5-0 winners.
Bradford eventually return to Wembley where they are promoted via the
playoffs.

The shortest month ends with us a place lower in 14th spot with 30 points
from 27 games. Still ten required for the magic number. Don't panic just
yet…..

March

It's a quiet month on the pitch as a combination of international breaks and
our not being in the Cup means that we only get to play three games.

Someone at the club has discovered the "Quells" as we finally shake off the
travel sickness. We claim a victory for football as well as we shake off the
need to make two early substitutions and win 1-0 at the Britannia Stadium.
Jack Collison is on target as Stoke's already tawdry reputation is dragged
further through the mud by a succession of blatant but unsuccessful dives in
an attempt to win penalties.

The club announces that it will be making a "Lifetime Achievement Award" to
Billy Bonds MBE at the end of the season. If Alou Diarra is reading this, we
suggest that you needn't wait by the phone for someone to announce yours.

Another Olympic announcement is made. This updates the previous announcement
and confirms that another announcement announcing the imminent announcement
of a decision on the Stadium, is imminent. Or at least it will be soon.
Probably.
Barry Hearn announces that his legal team, none of whom have any interest in
unnecessarily prolonging the whole process thus increasing their fees,
honest, have told him that he has a case for judicial review should the
Stadium be given to West Ham. The announcement can only just be heard over
the sound of lawyers' cash registers all going "kerchinggg".

We return to losing ways on the road again as Chelsea - aided by another
dreadful refereeing decision - beat us 2-0. Andy Carroll's effort is ruled
out for a non-existent foul by another referee whose conduct can be said to
bring the game into disrepute far more than anyone who complains about the
standard of refereeing in this country.

Finally, after another announcement promising an announcement about the
future of the Olympic statement, an announcement is made. The stadium will
be rented out to West Ham from 2016 once alterations have been made. Barry
Hearn's lawyers stick in their request for judicial review, barely
suppressing laughter as they order new yachts on the strength of Hearn's
cash.

The details of the deal are revealed: the club will cough up £25m towards
the conversion costs with LDDC and Newham chipping in the balance of the
reported £175m cost of turning the place into a stadium fit for football.
These costs will include some form of retractable seating to cover the
running track, thus enabling the spectators to actually see the match. The
track will remain in place for athletics in the summer and the stadium will
also be used for concerts, though if anyone who performed at the closing
ceremony of the games (except the Who) is reading this, you've had your go –
go and play at Brisbane Road instead.

The club will also pay an index-linked £2m a year in rental costs. Profits
from the operation of the stadium will be split between the club and the
taxpayer and the owners agree to split any profits from the sale of the club
with the taxpayer in the event of any sale occurring within a set period of
our moving in.

The club commit a PR own goal. In amongst all the Olympic stuff about having
a "commitment to affordable football" the club sends a letter to all
disabled supporters informing them of what appears to be an effective
doubling of ticket prices for the 2013/14 season. The club later denies that
a figure has been decided – merely that tickets will be linked to a
particular price band, though on 2012/13 prices this would seem to double
the cost. Eventually there is a bit of climb down and the increase is
eventually reduced but the whole affair leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

The whole thing has the air of a governmental announcement. You know the
sort of thing, wanting to increase a particular tax by 25p they announce a
50p rise and then reduce it to 25p after the inevitable furore, leaving us
all to feel really grateful while getting what they wanted all along.
Cynical? Us? You bet.

England's World Cup campaign continues to cough and splutter. An 8-0 win
over San Marino is welcome, if expected. Two from Defoe and one each from
Oxlade-Chamberlain, Lampard, Young, Rooney, Sturridge and an OG improve the
goal-difference against a team that probably contains a postman or two if I
could be bothered to research its composition. However, a few days later a
1-1 draw with Montenegro, a country with the same population as a village in
Wiltshire, is less satisfying. Rooney gives us the lead but the
Montenegrans' second-half equaliser from Damjanovic is no more than they
deserve. Roy Hodgson stops just short of saying that there are no easy games
in international football, presumably the trip to San Marino being to fresh
in everyone's minds for him to be allowed to get away with that one.

The double header is overshadowed by a(nother) row over the selection of Rio
Ferdinand. Disappointingly, having been selected for the squad Ferdinand
withdraws due to a clash with his personal treatment and training regime.
Another sad reflection of the malevolent influence his employers have had
upon the game.

We return to league action as former assistant boss Steve Clarke's West Brom
are sent packing 3-1 at the Boleyn. Carroll nets a brace, the second of
which is a peach of a volley from a pass dropping over his shoulder. A Goal
Of The Season candidate. In between the Geordie striker's pair, Gary O'Neil
dispatches a volley that is itself no mean finish. Much humour is derived
from the second half introduction of Peter Odemwinge, "he drove to QPR. They
left him in his car" and "what a waste of petrol" chants greeting his
arrival.
The only down side of the win is the reappearance of George McCartney. Well
not Linda's reappearance as such, more his almost immediate departure with a
recurrence of the knee ligament injury that has kept him on the sidelines
all season. It's confirmed that the injury has effectively ended his season.

After a winless streak lasting 8 games Sunderland sack Martin O'Neill and
replace him with Paolo Di Canio. In a spot of hypocrisy and cant that is
amazing, even for a failed politician David Milliband stirs up some
publicity for himself by announcing his resignation from the board of the
Wearside club over Di Canio's alleged political sympathies. Strangely,
nobody picks up on Milliband's earlier eulogy of deceased historian Eric
Hobsbaum, whose views on the deaths of 20 million Soviet citizens could mark
him down as an apologist for genocide. The fact that Milliband's new job as
the head of a charity in New York would probably have meant his quitting
Sunderland anyway also eludes the papers, for whom Di Canio makes a much
better story.

The two wins in March have effectively steadied the ship a bit, not that it
was ever rocking at all, honest. We end the month in 11th spot with 36
points from 30 games – a game in hand over just about everyone else in the
league as well. Nearly safe then…..

April

The month commences with the traditional kumb.com April 1st story suggesting
that Barry Hearn will be fundraising for his increasingly pointless legal
costs by releasing a revamped version of "Snooker Loopy". A fair number of
people fall for it, suggesting that, where Hearn is concerned, his past
record of stupidity is so well established that nothing is too daft to be
considered implausible where he is concerned. We decide not to include the
England Supporters Band in the list of participants on the proposed record
as we reckon nobody would believe that they've actually learnt to play a
fifth tune.

Rumours that Jimmy Tarbuck has been arrested are confirmed. Though hopes
that Cilla Black, Ken Dodd, Stan Boardman and Tom O'Connor might also be
rounded up for crimes against comedy are sadly wide of the mark as it
transpires that the Tarbuck arrest is part of Operation Yewtree rather than
a general clampdown against unfunny scousers.

Whilst we're on the subject of legal shenanigans, the three investigators
who were in no way employed by Tottenham Hotspur to spy on anyone, appear in
court on charges of fraud by false representation. All three plead "not
guilty" and are remanded to appear in court in January 2014. Rumours that
the three had had cyanide capsules stamped "THFC" confiscated from them when
arrested are, of course, totally made up.

Operation Yewtree notches up a conviction as Stuart Hall pleads guilty to 14
counts of indecent assault during the height of his "It's A Knockout" fame.
Hall is eventually sentenced to a remarkably light sentence of 15 months,
which should see him out inside a year. Or possibly six months if he plays
his joker.

The winless streak at Anfield extends into its 51st year as we draw 0-0. Yet
again we are on the wrong end of a scouse-friendly refereeing decision as
Tomkins is kicked up in the air in the box. Strangely, ref Taylor, who was
so ready to issue a red card to Carlton Cole for something that wasn't a
foul in the Everton match, when presented with a clear and obvious penalty
decision to give chooses not to. Taylor's inaction continues the tradition
of many a year as bent refereeing assists the Anfield side once more.
Collison has a late effort cleared off the line, though the suspicion
remains that unless the ball actually breaks the net up there we won't be
awarded anything. And even then it'll probably be a throw-in.

The draw at Anfield is followed by another as we pick up our fourth point of
the season from Southampton. Carroll equalises with a free kick.
Southampton's supporters add to their already poor reputation for football
knowledge by shouting "hoof" at every pass over two feet whilst forgetting
to do the same at all the 60 yard clearances their own defenders make. The
suspicion that the media are just too lazy to watch games properly is
confirmed by the tv commentary which states something like "West Ham's long
ball game will mean that the home side will have dominated possession this
half" just as the graphic appears on screen: "Possession Southampton 45%
West Ham 55%" Still best not to let the truth get in the way eh lads?

And talking of the truth Man Utd come to the Boleyn and get a point, yes,
you've guessed it, totally thanks to another friendly refereeing decision.
Vaz Te opens the scoring with a header, a goal which is cancelled out by
Valencia's close range effort fifteen minutes before the break. Diame gives
us a deserved lead ten minutes into the second half with a wonder goal that
puts one in mind of his strike against Arsenal earlier in the season – only
much, much better. Where do you think you're going with that Goal Of The
Season trophy Andy?

Van Persie's late late equaliser comes from him being offside. Not a little
bit offside mind, a good couple of yards. Predictably the dishonest Ferguson
tries to deflect attention from yet another point cheated out of a match by
suggesting that Andy Carroll should have been sent off – presumably for
potentially damaging Vidic's elbow with his head.

Having already swelled the FA coffers for pointing out that Ferguson owes a
hellofa lot in his career to mysteriously beneficial decisions from
officials, Sam is a bit more careful in his words this time round.
Meanwhile, the rest of us wonder which division of the Salford and District
Sunday League Fergie's whingers would be in had referees had done their job
over the years.

Journalistic standards plumb new depths in the form of one Patrick Collins
who turns out a piece that has "I'm scared of Fergie" stamped all through
it. Repeating the "long-ball" myth the "journalist" does a hatchet job on
Andy Carroll that has "I'm writing this to avoid being banned from Old
Trafford" shining through like a watermark. At least I hope that's his
excuse – I'd be horrified to think someone could be so stupid to have
written that without being commissioned to do so.

Collins' effort contains comments to the effect that those nice foreign
players play the game in a much nicer way to us nasty old English. Not quite
sure of what he made of one of those nice guys, Luis Suarez then. Racist
diver and serial cheat Suarez adds a new chapter to his already sordid book
by biting Chelsea's Ivanovic. Not something I can imagine Carroll doing, Mr
Collins.

Suarez gets a ten match ban and, having defended the player throughout his
racist diving days I suppose it's sadly inevitable that his employers go
straight into victim mode and express shock at the length of the ban.

Meanwhile, attempts to respond to Collins' article in an infinitely more
measured and sensible manner than it really deserves are stymied by the
Mail's website, as anything that shows even the mildest criticism is
blocked. How strange that the paper that backed the Nazis in the 1930's
should end up mimicking news agencies from Soviet-era USSR.

Not that there were any, but any lingering doubts as to relegation are
dispelled as we beat Wigan 2-0. It's a repeat of the opening game of the
season against Villa as the visitors have a load of possession and do the
square root of damn all with it. Jarvis' cross eludes everyone to give us
the lead and Nolan's late effort seals all three points, giving him his
100th career goal in the process. The win has the added bonus of pushing
Wigan nearer to the drop – not long now Whelan….

Reigning Hackett Of The Year Barry Hearn gets some bad news from m'learned
friends as he is told that there are no grounds to have the decision to
lease the Olympic Stadium to West Ham subjected to judicial review. The
summing up reads: "whilst we have every sympathy with the legal profession's
desire to relieve Barry Hearn of every last penny he has, there comes a time
when one should stop milking it. Trebles all round then". Or something like
that.

We go down 2-1 at Man City – hey guess what. Yup a clear penalty is turned
down by Howard Webb who, presumably, is too confused by the Manchester bit
of the home team's name to do his job properly. Mind you it's been years
since he did his job properly anyway. Carroll is on target deep into
stoppage time as Joe Hart makes a complete hash of things to give us a
consolation comedy goal.

Reading supporters, some of whom had been convinced that a European spot was
on the cards this time last year if the customers of a certain hostelry in
north Hampshire are anything to go by, are confused by their end of season
plans. Having been relegated along with QPR by the end of the month their
supporters desperately try to find an excuse to avoid having to watch their
team's last game of the season at the Boleyn. They hit upon the idea of
pretending that they are boycotting the match on the grounds that the
tickets are a few quid more expensive than the amount they charged us.
Others are worried that this will affect the sole reason many of them go to
football matches, namely their end of season inflatable party. "If it's not
organised there'll be less inflatables" warns one really worried
correspondent, whose use of grammar promotes speculation that he may have
been the spotty Herbert responsible for printing off all those "Judus" pages
all those years ago.

With QPR and Reading taking their hoops back to the second tier there is
only one relegation place left to avoid as we end the month well out of it
all in 10th place with 42 points from 35 games. Never in doubt. Now can we
hold on to 10th……

May

The Geordies are in town for a match that has "end of season" all over it as
it finishes 0-0. This still leaves them still not quite clear of the drop
and some of us get a bit concerned that Whelan might somehow manage to
scrape his way out of it yet again.

The "Hammer of The Year" awards night takes place up west. Winston Reid gets
both the supporters' and the players' version of the award. Tickets for the
glittering event cost something like the same amount as the Greek national
debt. We write to the German government to see if they'd like to finance
something more worthwhile for a change by buying us a couple of tickets. I
expect that their letter is still in the post.

Sky clear their schedules to brown nose Man Utd yet again as their manager
announces his retirement. Journalists write eulogies that wax lyrical about
the miserable git, somehow managing to omit the fact that he's a liar, a
cheat and a thuggish bully whose team would be plying its trade in the
Salford And District Sunday League but for his systematic intimidation of
referees. In fact the media are so far up the backside of the ignorant oaf,
fifty journalists are offered life memberships by the Institute Of
Proctology.

Sam causes a spot of mild consternation amongst TV executives by uttering a
slightly rude word on Sky. Referring to his missing out on a player whilst
Bolton manager due to an administrative snafu, he suggests that the guilty
party might have received a "bollocking". Sky presenters fall over
themselves to apologise to those watching because, like, us football
supporters never usually encounter bad language like that and we're really,
really likely to be shocked. I myself have an attack of the vapours and have
to lie down in a darkened room for a few days at the sheer horror of it all.
Sky's nauseating coverage of Ferguson's retirement is, of course, far more
offensive but we're still waiting for the apology for that one.

David Moyes is announced as the new manager in Salford, meaning that our
forthcoming trip to Goodison will coincide with his last home game in charge
there. A hiding to nothing then and, predictably, we go down 2-0 as everyone
says their goodbyes.

Rio Ferdinand announces his retirement from international football. "I've
checked the fixture list and I'm at the hairdressers for the Ireland match
and the manicurist is coming over for the Brazil trip. I think the World Cup
qualifyers clash with my pottery classes as well" his statement probably
doesn't read.

Strangely, for an organisation that is celebrating its 150th anniversary,
the FA seems to lack any sense of the fact that it really ought to be the
guardian of the game's traditions as the FA Cup is once more shoved to
teatime on the penultimate Saturday of the season. This gives supporters of
Man City and Wigan about ten minutes after the final whistle to get to
Euston after the game to catch the last train back to the northwest. The
train companies eventually sort something out, laying on a few extra trains
to Manchester for the City fans, and one of those push-pull trolley things
they had on the Great St Trinian's Train Robbery for the Wigan fans.

Wigan's chairman happens to mention that he once broke his leg in a Cup
Final. In every interview. "Nice day Dave" his postman opines. "Yes postie.
Did you know I once broke my leg in a Cup Final?" replies the dodgy one. The
postman rolls his eyes and replies "yeah I think you mentioned it once".

Whelan leads his team out at Wembley, though we reckon a few of the kids
employed as slave labour to enable him to make his millions might have been
a more apt choice of mascot.

The match itself is a disaster for City who blow it as Wigan notch a late
winner. Bizarre stats of the match include the fact that it's the first Cup
Final between teams managed by managers with the same first name since 1963
(Matts Busby & Gilles), and the fact that the Cup Final has now been won for
the third consecutive time by a manager called Roberto. Deed Poll Sam, is
what we're saying. It's the way forward.

The Sun ties itself into knots over the Man City manager role. Having
earlier quoted a Spanish source as confirming "100%" that Pep Guardiola
would be taking over in the summer, only to see the ex-Barca boss go to
Bayern, they now confirm that Mancini will stay at the Etihad "even if they
lose the Cup Final". City lose the Cup Final and Mancini gets sacked. Still
they had a 50-50 chance of getting it right I suppose.

The footballing gods return from their day off a few days later and a 4-1
defeat at Arsenal relegates Whelan's mob to the second tier. Relegation
enables Whelan to return to his default setting of trying to cash in on
Roberto Martinez. In a rather obvious attempt to increase the compensation
levels Whelan suggests that Everton might not be big enough a club for
Martinez, adding "I broke my leg in an FA Cup Final once you know".

Reading are the visitors to the Boleyn for the last game of the season,
their supporters managing the neat trick of somehow being outnumbered by
their inflatables. We go 2-0 up through Nolan and Vaz Te. Whilst we're
looking at the holiday brochures in the changing room they start the second
half before us and level the scores before a late brace from the skipper
completes his hat-trick and gives us a 4-2 victory.

The muppet quota in the Premier League for 2013/14 is maintained as Crystal
Palace (basically they're what Reading would be if they were based in
Croydon) are promoted via the playoffs joining Cardiff and Hull in the top
flight.

Palace beat Watford 1-0 in the final, spurred on by their manager Ian
Holloway's criticism of Watford's extensive, but quite legal use of the loan
system. Nobody seems to want to point out that the main player responsible
for Palace's pogress through the playoffs is Wilfried Zaha, a player who
signed for Man Utd in January only to be loaned back immediately to Crystal
Palace. Meanwhile, Cardiff's arrival means that they will join Swansea and
Gareth Bale as the Welsh teams in the top flight.

Karma, already hard at work in the relegation of Wigan (whose chairman once
broke his leg in a Cup Final) puts in a spot of overtime as Sheffield United
are knocked out of the League 1 (Division Three in real money) playoffs by
Yeovil Town, for whom ex-Hammer Marek Stech features in goal. Some of us
muse on the fact that Lord Griffiths was satisfied that Carlos Tevez was the
sole reason for Sheffield United's relegation in 2007. Given their
subsequent relegation and failure to return to the top flight, that theory
is pretty much knackered then. Any chance of our money back Lord G?

Tony Pulis arrives at a board meeting at Stoke clutching an 800-page
dossier. "This is my vision for the club's future covering everything from
the Academy to the first team" he proudly announces. Chairman Coates is not
to be outdone. "Here's my own dossier" he announces. "It's only one page
long – take it with you on your way out" he continues, handing Pulis his
P45. Mark Hughes is announced as Pulis' replacement.

Benitez's long reign as boss comes to an end as Chelsea win the Europa
League by beating Benfica 2-1 in Amsterdam. Now we all know John Terry is
stupid. However you'd have thought that he'd have sussed out that there is
no need to prove it by now. Nope. Yet again he strips down to his playing
kit to collect the trophy from a match he didn't play in. This prompts
another rash of photo-shopped efforts on the web showing him picking up
various accolades, including the Eurovision Song Contest trophy. An attempt
to show him picking up the Mastermind fruitbowl fails as the processing
power required for such a suspension of disbelief exceeds that available in
total on the planet.

Meanwhile Chelsea fans bid farewell to the manager they've been abusing all
season with a banner proclaiming "We Forgive You." Quite for what Benitez is
being forgiven we can't quite work out – not being Roberto Di Matteo
presumably.
For a few days Chelsea hold both the Europa and Champions League titles.
This means that during 2012/13 we've beaten The European Champions, Europa
Cup winners, FA Cup Winners and League Cup winners. Also, but for some
dubious refereeing we'd also have beaten both previous and current Premier
League title holders. We've also been beaten by two of the three relegated
teams. All of which means something deep and meaningful I expect.

Chelsea's reign as European Champions comes to an end as the all-German
so-called Champions League final at Wembley is won by Bayern who beat
Borussia Dortmund 2-1. Insert your own beach towel joke here.

We get down to the serious business of preparing for 2013/14 by confirming
the arrival of Razven Rat, whilst an almost tearful Carlton Cole is released
– he goes with our best wishes for the future. Unlike Marouane Chamakh and
Emanuel Pogatetz, who simply go after uninspiring loan spells.

We agree a fee with Liverpool for Andy Carroll, who goes on holiday to muse
over the club's offer having picked up a heel injury that keeps him out of
the England squad for the post-season friendlies with the Republic Of
Ireland and Brazil.

We are linked with a chap called Ludovic Sane who we are praying joins us if
only for the gift that his surname presents to those of us who write match
reports.

Oop north Dave Whelan announces that he has had talks with Roberto Martinez
and that he is confident that his most valuable asset, er, I mean prized
colleague and manager will stay at the club, which is owned by a chairman
who once broke his leg in a Cup Final. Apparently. This announcement is
followed by an announcement that Martinez wants to go and talks open with
Everton.
Dodgy Dave starts bigging his asset up. "Martinez is a must for Everton" he
spouts. When it's pointed out that he had previously been of the opinion
that Everton were not a big enough club for Martinez, Whelan changes the
subject: "Have I ever shown you my scar? There's a funny story about how I
got it" he starts as journos stampede for the exit.

Martinez eventually signs for Everton whose owner Bill Kenwright, has his
own memories "I used to be in Coronation Street you know" he informs
everyone, though with the current climate being what it is, boasting of
having appeared in a soap opera only seems to interest those running
Operation Yewtree.

More fun at Liverpool where Suarez claims that it'd be difficult for him to
stay on Merseyside if Real Madrid came in for him. This is followed by a
statement from the player's agent to the effect that he has no desire to
leave. This, in turn, is followed by a self-pitying statement from the
player that, actually, he does want to leave because of the nasty English
press, who aren't judging him on his undoubted talents as a player. We feel
sorry for Suarez – I mean racially abuse someone, dive, cheat and bite
someone and those horrid journos label you as a racist, diving, biting,
cheat. So unfair. Liverpool claim he's not for sale which means that by the
time I write the opening month of next season's review I expect he'll be
gone.

England draw an uninspiring match with the Republic Of Ireland 1-1 at
Wembley. Having not given him the honour of leading out the side on his
actual 100th cap, England make Ashley Cole captain for the match. Well,
they've given it to John Terry and Steven Gerrard in the past so what's
another ignorant thug amongst so many. We fully expect future England
captains to be selected from a list provided by those involved in Operation
Yewtree, though even the FA would presumably draw the line at Jim Davidson.
After all he is of Scottish extraction.

So that's about it, No trophy to finish up with this term but there again no
depressing thoughts of spending the following 12 months in a lower division
either. It was a creditable top ten finish including some fine performances
from the players, who, in stark contrast to our last season in the top
flight, have spent the season looking like a team.

This review also ends with us on the verge of signing Britain's most
expensive player, though you'll have to wait until next season's review to
see how that one pans out.

Given a top ten finish it seems churlish to have a moan but next time round,
if I had a magic wand I'd ask for us to be a little more adventurous away
from the Boleyn - after all who knows we might win a few more games that
way. A cup run would be nice as well – I sort of miss Wembley. The deed poll
forms are in the post Sam – Roberto Allardyce has a decent ring to it!

Have a good summer (if/when it finally comes).

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