Daily WHUFC News - 26th May 2012

Macca made up with Wembley Win
WHUFC.com
Assistant manager excited to back in the big time
25.05.2012

West Ham United manager Neil McDonald was overjoyed with the Hammers 2-1
over Blackpool in the npower Championship Play-Off final. McDonald was on
the losing side at Wembley during his playing career whilst at Everton as
they lost the 1989 FA Cup Final 3-2 to local rivals Liverpool. 'Macca' told
West Ham TV on the pitch after the game that coming back to Wembley and
being on the winning side was a dream come true. "The playing career is in
the past but it is fantastic to come here as a coach to a club that has just
been relegated and turn that round. We wanted automatic promotion but we
couldn't get that so why not go through the Play-Offs. "We will have a
fantastic month off now before we start preparations for next season.
Looking around the crowd here, everyone is absolutely delighted. It's a
great time to be a West Ham fan."

Big Sam and Macca had to make some tough decisions during the game with
Blackpool seemingly on top for much of the second half. The fromer full-back
was on hand to offer his thoughts to the manager as the Hammers changed
their personnel and system to ensure it was they that ended up on top. "It's
not just about the eleven, it's about everybody that contributed. The system
wasn't working so we changed it, Big Sam isn't afraid to do that, if he
needs to change it he will to win the game. We scored in the last five
minutes to win a game for the first time this season which is fantastic.

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Cole proud to play a part
WHUFC.com
Wembley goalscorer Carlton Cole was overwhelmed with Hammers' promotion
24.05.2012

Carlton Cole was a proud man as he helped West Ham United to achieve
promotion back to the big time. The Hammers regained their Premier League
status on Saturday after beating Blackpool 2-1 in the Play-Off final at
Wembley. Cole is impressed with the way the Hammers squad handled the
pressure this season and the way in which some members have used that
pressure to perform at the highest level. "The pressure has been immense all
year on us to get promoted. The manager got us geared up to do our jobs
today and we did it," he told West Ham TV. "This season it hasn't just been
me finding the goals, it's been Ricardo [Vaz Te] too; he's played a massive
part as have our other strikers Nicky Maynard and Sam Baldock. Our midfield
has been immense too and so has the defence with Reid and Tomkins. The team
as a unit have been brilliant all season."

Cole put in a magnificent display at Wembley - scoring the first goal of the
afternoon and setting up Vaz Te for the winner. Many said afterwards that
Cole was unplayable at times and the West Ham No9 himself was proud of what
he has achieved this season. "I can't put it into words right now the way
I'm feeling, I'm proud to be a Hammer right now. To score was fantastic and
I made the second goal so its really a great feeling, I'm so happy for the
lads. Everyone has done fantastically well this season. "

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Matt's perfect finish
WHUFC.com
Matt Taylor was delighted to end his first season as a Hammer with promotion
25.05.2012

Matt Taylor has told West Ham TV of his sheer delight at gaining promotion
at the end of his first season as a Hammer. The popular No14 has enjoyed a
fine maiden campaign with West Ham United, culminating in an influential
performance in the 2-1 npower Championship Play-Off final victory over
Blackpool at Wembley, where he laid on the opening goal for Carlton Cole
with a trademark left-foot pass. Following Ricardo Vaz Te's late winner,
Taylor set off on his own lap of celebration, booting a television
microphone down the touchline in a moment of sheer elation. "It feels
fantastic," said Taylor, who has successfully filled-in at left-back during
the closing weeks of the season. "It's what we wanted at the beginning of
the season. We've gone about it the hard way but we've done it and I'm so
happy. "They played exceptionally well. Let's take nothing away from them
and they probably could have won the game themselves. "We were a bit
fortunate and we've got the win and it's massive for us."

While Taylor was able to put the disappointment of an FA Cup semi-final
defeat with Bolton Wanderers a year previously to the back of his mind, he
was also quick to point to the impact made by another former Trotter -
match-winner Vaz Te. The pair played alongside one another at the Reebok
Stadium before Vaz Te was released in 2010. His career meandered to Greek
club Panionios and Scottish side Hibernian before he rediscovered his best
form at npower Championship side Barnsley. After scoring 12 goals in the
opening half of the season, his former Bolton manager Sam Allardyce swooped
for Vaz Te a second time and the rest, as they say, is now part of West Ham
history. However, as Taylor pointed out, it has not come easy to the
Portuguese forward. "It was a hugely emotional day for Vaz [at Wembley],"
said Taylor during an interview with radio station talkSPORT. "I was at
Bolton for three-and-a-half years and I think in that time he probably
trained ten to 15 times because of his injuries. "He went to Scotland and
Greece and then Barnsley took him. He was meant to go to Sheffield United
but they wouldn't pass him on a medical, so he ended up at Barnsley where he
set the place alight. Sam knew him so we signed him - and he's been a
fantastic signing for us. "He was in tears after the game, it meant so much.
He thought that maybe his career was over and now he's getting another crack
at the best league in the world. He was very emotional in the changing rooms
afterwards but it was fantastic for him. "Vaz has come in and done exactly
what was required of him. He's played on the wing and he's played up front.
You put him and Carlton together like we did on Saturday for the second half
and they look menacing. "He's quick, he's big, and he's strong. He's good in
the air and he's got so many tricks I don't think he knows what he's going
to do sometimes!"

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Fans await response in season ticket row
KUMB.com
Filed: Friday, 25th May 2012
By: Staff Writer

A number of supporters are awaiting a response from West Ham United having
written to complain about the club's decision to renege on a promise to
offer a 20 per cent season ticket price cut. Back in 2009, under the former
Icelandic administration - which retains around 40 per cent ownership of
West Ham United - the club promised supporters holding season tickets for
five consecutive years leading up to the 2012/13 campaign a 20 per cent
discount. However supporters were angered by a letter in their renewal packs
which stated that instead of being given the reduction as promised, they
were to instead receive just five per cent off this season - with a further
five per cent for the next three seasons. As a result a number of loyal
long-term supporters have written to the club requesting clarification of
the situation. For although the club's missive detailed the new five per
cent offer, it failed to state whether the original offer remained on the
table.

"Lying, thieving cheats"
- one angry supporter today


Speaking via the KUMB.com forum this afternoon, one angry fan said: " I kind
of sympathise with them about the actual position they've been left in, but
they have known about it for at least as long as the fans have and they
should have come with a more imaginative alternative deal to get out of it.
"The information they have sent out is vague and misleading." Meanwhile
another supporter pointed out that the original offer of a 20 per cent
discount may still be valid - although the club have failed to point out
whether this is the case or not. "The email is an attempt to belittle the
status of the original offer," he said. "You will note that there are loads
of insinuations and implications that the original offer is not legally
binding on the club - notably where they say that they'll ensure that the
new offer is legally binding.
"If the five per cent over four years suits you then feel free to accept it.
If not, thank them for their new offer but tell them you'd rather have the
old one that, despite their new offer, they are still legally obliged to
honour."

However not everyone was against the club's stance - another KUMB member
felt that the board were well within their rights to stagger the loyalty
discount.
"I am in complete agreement that the whole thing has been handled badly,"
they said. "But this deal was put on the table by the Icelandic owners and I
sympathise with the club for making the unpopular decision of trying to
reverse the deal and making an alternative, more sustainable offer."

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Poach'em United
KUMB.com
Filed: Thursday, 24th May 2012
By: Richard Williams

Saturday was arguably one of the most intense, dramatic, exciting and heart
stopping moments in football I've ever seen.

Sounds over the top but in reality it was anything but! The football nation
has sat in front of their telly numerous times over the last ten years
having been whipped into a frenzy by Messrs Redknapp, Keys, Gray and Souness
only to have witnessed an occasion with the excitement of dance act number
17 on Britain's Got Talent.

The cut and thrust, the diversity and the sheer way in which the scales
changed balance over a ten minute period will forever etch itself in the
hearts of even the most southern of supporter (ironically most of them would
be United fans anyway!)

While this was going on, my thoughts turned to Allardyce and what he was
thinking. As much as the title race was a spectacle not to be missed, Sam
had other fish to fry (and probably batter). With Wolves and Blackburn
already in the Championship, it was QPR or Bolton who were on the precipice
of relegation.

I began drawing up next seasons transfer targets in my head. A unique twist
on the life of a West Ham fan given that we are normally on the receiving
end of the scavengers. Even though these teams were relegated, and certainly
with Wolves and Blackburn well deserved, there is a strong selection of
players up for grabs.

The financial difficulties faced by all three clubs relegated have been very
well publicised and we know they must sell to stay afloat. While evaluating
the players we could potentially sign, I drew up a team in my head worthy or
a mid table Premier League finish.

GK: Jussi Jaaskeleinen (Bolton) A solid keeper who has been around the block
and then some. Once touted by Sir Alex Ferguson and the subject of numerous
top four bids, he decided to stay where he would achieve first team
football. Arguably on the receiving end of the best performance a by a
Premier League keeper this season. With the imminent departure of Robert
Green, and promotion on the cards, a steady , experienced pair of hands
could be what we need next season.

RB: Martin Olsson (Blackburn) Electric pace and a fantastic final delivery,
Olsson has terrorised defenders all season. His ability to make up ground on
wingers with a last ditch tackle has seen him progress in the team and
internationally. He could be an ideal replacement for Faubert who's sub
standard performances and departure in the summer will prompt replacing.

CB: Scott Dann (Blackburn) Although he has had some mixed performances
towards the end of the season, Arsenal were interested in signing him and
reports suggest they were very close to it. He has the ability aerially and
is a great leader. He also has age on his side and would be a good back up
should Faye leave in the summer.

CB: David Wheater (Bolton) Captained Middlesborough before their demise,
numerous England U21 caps alongside Tomkins, Wheater would be great young
player to bring into our squad. The only issue is his current knee injury
but perhaps there is a bargain to be had if we gamble?

LB: Marcos Alonso (Bolton) Maybe not with the pace of Olsson but certainly
with the defensive capabilities, Alonso has arguably been one of Bolton's
best players this season. McCartney's injury troubles this season have seen
us push Taylor back into left back where he looks uncomfortable. Granted he
has the quality to carry out the role but his delivery is a big part of his
game and as such, he would prefer to be higher up the pitch. Alonso makes
fantastic overlapping runs and they would work great together.

LM: Morten Gaamst Pederson (Blackburn) Fantastic energy up and down the
wing, Pederson has shown for countless seasons that he has a fantastic
delivery, is lethal from set pieces and has vast International experience.
He can both defend and attack, and would be a great addition to the squad.

CM: Jamie O'Hara (Wolves) We won't hold it against him that he is an ex
Spud, O'Hara shows commitment no matter where he plays. He has a great
ability from free kicks and has not shown true potential in a very
disappointing Wolves side this season. Based on work rate and his ability to
pick a pass, he is a useful addition but would probably make the bench.

RM: Chris Eagles (Bolton) In my opinion, this is the most needed player of
the lot. This season alone we have played Vaz Te, Cole, Collison, Noble and
Faubert wide right, all of whom do not play there. West Ham's lack of width
has cost us this season without the ability to switch to plan B. Eagles is
quick, can beat a man, has fantastic delivery and pops up with vital goals.
A starter in next years team.

AMR: Junior Hoillet (Blackburn) The best player in this team. His numerous
wonder goals this season nearly kept Blackburn up alone. He is young, quick
and can score on site from anywhere. The type of player who can come up with
that bit of magic that wins games. Unfortunately for us, it seems he will be
going to a top club but if we act fast anything's possible.

AML: Matt Jarvis (Wolves) This really is a no brainer. One of the hottest
properties of all three relegated clubs given that his natural position is
left wing, he is English and has International experience. With Taylor
playing more defensive and with a cloud of scepticism from the Upton Park
faithful, a goal scoring and attacking winger is just what we need.

CF: Stephen Fletcher (Wolves) How Wolves went down with the attacking
promise of Fletcher and Doyle up front amazes me. Fletcher is a class act,
scoring fantastic goals for Wolves this season in some of their biggest
games. He can score with either foot or his head and is the sort of player
who would have made a big difference for us this season when we were not
hitting the net. The reason he would suit our style is his ability to hold
up the ball and link others in. Again, I fear we must be quick to act before
a big club comes in.

In addition to the above squad, you could even fill a subs bench. Kevin
Doyle narrowly missed out on a starting place and is another player we
should be looking at. He has experience with both Reading and Wolves scoring
goals wherever he plays. Do not be fooled by the lack of service he has had
in a poor Wolves side, he is a great goal scorer. Karl Henry is a tough
tackling defensive midfielder, Formica and Yakubu score goals at Blackburn
and Mark Davies is a promising young Midfielder with drive and the ability
to score a goal.

So while others are marveling at a fantastic end to a season, looking
forward to the play off final and the Champions League, West Ham fans would
forgive Allardyce for taking his eye of the prize over the next couple of
days to start making moves on some valuable additions to our team. It may
sound presumptious to start making 'Premier League' signings before you have
arrived there but the greatest managers are always two steps ahead and the
Premier League vultures will no doubt be circling already.

The next two weeks will prove VITAL for next seasons success, acting now
will no doubt prevent us paying over the odds for the Ljungbergs and Boa
Mortes! Now is the time for Mr Gold and Sullivan to prove that they have
changed the old ways and assert themselves as the shrewd businessmen they
profess to be.

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Re-birth of the claret and blue... now get it right this time
KUMB.com
Filed: Wednesday, 23rd May 2012
By: Paul Walker

It's taken me a few days to get my fuzzy head around it all, I am sure you
all understand(!) but the sheer joy, relief and elation of Wembley and
promotion deserved to be savoured before thinking about next season's
relegation battle.

Because that's what it will be if we don't get it right this time around.
Last time we went this way, we got to the FA Cup Final (the only thing we
lost that day was a penalty competition), finished ninth and stopped Spurs
getting into the Champions League on the last day of the season.

Then everybody's enlarged egos got the better of them, none more so than
Alan "all three of me ex-teams have got promotion" Pardew.

We were in Europe and decided to 'sign' two World Cup stars - Javier
Mascherano and Carlos Tevez, both of whom have since claimed Champions
League winners' medals - on dodgy contracts. The rest is a painful history.

Elsewhere in that squad and staff there was too much money, too many posh
cars and a belief they were better than they really were. And that includes
Pardew.

Alan Curbishley (criminally), Franco Zola (too inexperienced) and Avram
Grant (just too bad) came and went and we were down in the Championship
again.

Now I've thought about this next statement for a while since Wembley, not
sure that I should let my heart rule my head again, but I'm prepared to
think that this is now the rebirth of our great club. There, I've said it.

The reason is that I do not believe Sam Allardyce, whatever anyone thinks
about his style, will let any of the aforementioned situations happen under
his watch. Yes, I know Steve Kean has re-opened the can of worms that is
Sam's transfer legacy,and there may well be legal action on that one.

But I recall Sam falling out with the BBC a while back over the expose
programme that dragged Harry Redknapp's reputation (now stop laughing) into
the open. And I don't think there was anything more than threats of legal
action then, but no real action.

In fact, had our beloved Davids axed Grant in the January of last year and
employed Sam then, I doubt we would have gone down. Certainly we wouldn't
have thrown away a string of 2-0 leads.

But I've listened carefully to people like Matt Taylor - who came across as
a really clever, calm, sound professional in a TalkSport interview this week
- as well as Ian Wright's opinions on Big Sam.

Mark Noble - what a star the little man has become - and Kevin Nolan covered
the subject this week, as well as some of the more sensible commentators.
And the view is that Sam is much higher thought of inside the game than he
seems to be amongst a small minority of Hammers fans this season.

Hearing Taylor outline the technical aspects of Sam's season, plus the
outstanding medical set-up we now have (not something we've always been able
to say) and you realise what a sound, professional manager we have.

He did what it says on the tin. Promotion first time around. And very few
have achieved that back to the top flight. History, I believe, will view
this season in a different light to the perception of how some West Ham fans
are supposed to feel. It's been a miracle.

Sam this week pointed to a squad when he took over who were in disarray, no
spirit, full of cliques and players who would not even mix with each other,
just "sitting in a corner on their own" when he arrived.

We have been dragged kicking and screaming into the real world. And it must
be pointed out that when Sam arrived the job description was to get us out
of this division. Nobody told him he had to try to play like Barcelona (or
Swansea if you like). Nobody said he didn't have to bother about
organisation, defending properly, learning effective set-pieces, fighting
for the shirt and showing sheer bloody mindedness not to lose.

He introduced Nolan, his 'man in the dressing room' to forge the spirit and
team ethos we all witnessed at Wembley. I don't recall anyone not cheering!

But all of that has come from just a year under Sam. Did anyone see any of
that under the quite dreadful Grant, who is able to only win titles in
one-team leagues like Israel and Serbia?

It has not always been pretty, if at all. Sam has made use of what he has.
We've scored 89 goals this term spread around 19 players, and when the real
pressure was on, we won our last five on the trot. As West Ham managers go,
we've seen nothing like this since maybe Billy Bonds and definitely John
Lyall.

When Blackpool were playing their passing game and threatening to over-run
us at Wembley, nobody in a claret and blue shirt jacked it in (are you
listening Grant). They fought for their lives, anyway they could, and they
fought for us.

Some Blackpool players have been poor losers (understandable I suppose). We
are supposed to be a team of giants and the winner was a foul. Nonsense.
Manchester City have got a clutch of brilliant little'uns (Tevez, Silva,
Aguero, Nasri) but by God they have some giants, too.

Nobody wins anything without big, physical, powerful players these days and
the champions are the perfect example. And I've watched the winner from
every Sky angle, and I still can't see the supposed foul or what Alex
Baptiste is on about.

Now Sam and our owners know they must get things right from here on. Steady,
careful building of our club to the point when we can be established in
mid-table like West Brom, Fulham, Everton and Stoke have become.

Sam will obviously be judged on his summer of transfer activity, and I doubt
next season will be any prettier than this one. Sam's Bolton stayed up and
found their feet with a ferocious, high intensity style pushing the laws to
the limits.

I didn't like a lot of it, and saw too much to be fair for my liking. Sam
upset the purists like Benitez, Houllier and Wenger. But he didn't care. He
was doing the job he'd been asked to do. And that is how it has been at the
Boleyn.

We are going to get a new stadium whether we like it or not, that is part of
the master plan. We are going to get more of the same from Sam, and I refuse
to accept that what I have watched this season is all about long ball, and I
have witnessed 34 of our games this term.

But I am tempted to believe things will be different this time around,
without Terry Brown, without the financial incompetence of daft Icelandic
owners and poorly appointed managers.

And our great fans deserve better. If nothing else on Saturday, we all
reminded everyone that we are a big, big club. Over 50,000 of our lot were
there, Blackpool could not even sell 30,000 of their allocation.

I think it was the biggest congregation of West Ham fans in one stadium
since the 1965 European Cup Winners Cup final - 47 years ago to the day when
80,000 of us were there on the greatest of all nights at the old Wembley.

The mass pilgrimage on Saturday to see the Bobby Moore statue at the end by
many thousands of Irons was a fitting conclusion to a memorable day for our
fans.

The Football League admit we could have sold 60,000 tickets, but I doubt
they would really have wanted that sort of imbalance of fans. And
segregation is a real problem and not just about the seating. Regulations
say it has to also involve the bars, lifts, concourse and stairways - not an
easy task at a place like Wembley, who are used to a big buffer of centrally
located uncommitted ticket holders to make their job easier.

Still it was truly a wonderful day, to be part of that huge family. The
noise and singing was deafening. We were as one, and it's something I will
never forget because as David Gold pointed out, the day gave us our pride
back after the recent years of shambolic ownership, court hearings,
tribunals and fines.

One thing only soured it for me, and that was the treatment of Thomas Ince,
just because of who his dad is.

For a moment or two after he scored, and during his outstanding performance
before George McCartney got a grip, I could see the Ince family revenge
robbing us of £90m, promotion and maybe even our future as a club. Young
Ince was defiant, as you would expect any son to be for his dad.

Whatever the reasons, surely it's time for us to move on and be bigger than
this. Because Paul Ince was not as much to blame for what happened way back
then, as some others. I know, because I know the people involved and the
real story.

I will now bore you all with it. I've known Ince senior for a while now,
professionally, when he was at Liverpool, Manchester United and boss at
Blackburn and Macclesfield. He has always wished the incident never
happened.

But back then he was a very young, immature lad facing his first big
transfer and being advised by people who should have known better. If he was
guilty of anything, it was trying to help out a friend of his agent.

That pal was a top photographer with a paper owner by the company I once
worked for. The other perpetrator was a journalist, a good friend of mine.
Thankfully I was nowhere near the incident!

The transfer to Manchester United was a done deal, a fact accepted by
everyone in the game and the media. The snapper involved had been right on
top of the story for a while but was about to go on holiday and didn't want
to miss a scoop picture.

So he persuaded Ince's advisors to allow the boy to pose in that infamous
Man U shirt for a picture that would never be used before the deal was done.

Now I believe Ince was not that keen, but allowed himself to be persuaded.
Don't forget he was still a kid and wanted to go along with the favour.

The picture was taken and filed back at the newspaper concerned in the
picture library (long before computers). But somewhere along the line, the
embargo instruction went missing and was not on the back of the picture.

The story dragged on, the snapper went on holiday and then one night an
updated story arrived from the paper's Manchester office - an attempt by
someone to scoop the London lads who had been following the story (there was
even rivalry in those days between various offices on the same paper).

The story arrived, the picture file was requested by what was a stand-in
sub-editor that night, and there was this picture of Ince in a Man U shirt.
The alarm bells should have been ringing, but the said sub-editor decided to
use it. And all hell has broken lose ever since.

Ince was horrified, as were Manchester United and West Ham. Ince should
never have posed for the picture, but the real blame lays elsewhere amongst
agents, advisors and smart-alec journalists. Yes, I've called my friend that
to his face.

But what ever happened was back then, son Thomas does not deserve the
treatment he got at Wembley. It does the name of our fans no good. We should
all move on, we are bigger than this.

And as a club I believe strongly that we will be bigger in the future. The
platform is there, the amount of money available even greater and the
Premier League will soon have a new, greatly enhanced, TV contract to come
into force.

So well done Sam and the team. You gave us a magical day and we are
deservedly back in the top flight. Don't forget we finished 11 points clear
of Blackpool and have now beaten them four times on the trot. Nothing was
more deserved than our promotion.

This summer is going to be sweet. Much better than last summer which was a
miserable disaster with our team and club at an all-time low. I believe Sam
will not allow that to happen again. COYI.

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That Was The Season That Was 2011/2012 - Part One
KUMB.com
Filed: Wednesday, 23rd May 2012
By: Gordon Thrower

Every year, just after the season ends, Gordon Thrower locks himself away in
a darkened room with a laptop, a vast urn of extra strength black coffee,
three bottles of aspirin and a tin of swarfega. Nobody knows why. However,
when he emerges a few days later, he is usually clutching a copy of his
personal review of the events of the previous season. Here, in part one of
his look at what turned out to be (another) eventful year, he looks at
pre-season and the opening month of our return to the Championship. Don't
worry - it all ends happily enough....

June

The pre-season period opens and, for a change we look outside the Boleyn
goldfish bowl as, just for once, the funniest thing about the word of
football at this time has absolutely nothing to do with West Ham United.
North of the border, Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov goes into plot-losing
meltdown on the Edinburgh club's official site. Hearts' failure to break the
domination of those shy and retiring types at Rangers and Celtic is blamed
entirely on "outside forces" such as the "mafia" who steal players, rig
matches and generally mess things up for the Jambos. As statements go it's a
corker from the man who allegedly fixed a vote on Lithuania's version of
Strictly Come Dancing in his own favour. As we say, it's got absolutely
nothing to do with us but it's damned funny and suddenly SuGoBra only seem
mildly mad in comparison.

Having been on holiday for a week or two since signing his contract (well it
was a very heavy biro), Sam Allardyce is finally officially unveiled as the
new boss as the club finally find a use for Benni McCarthy's old training
kit.

Allardyce immediately breaks with tradition by announcing that no team of
his would ever lose a match from 2-0 up as we did up at Wigan. Give it time
Sam, give it time.

Meanwhile an announcement appears on the forums of kumb.com on behalf of a
company willing to pay £3,000 to individuals willing to spend time
undergoing clinical trials. The freshly unemployed Kieron Dyer turns down
the opportunity on the grounds that he fancies a change of career.

The fixtures come out. Cardiff at home is the opener, a match immediately
moved to the Sunday for TV purposes (a decision one suspects that also owes
more than a little to input from the Met). This is followed by a first round
tie at home to Aldershot in whatever the League Cup is officially called
this year and a trip to Doncaster Rovers. Though the dates for Millwall home
and away are announced, few expect these games to be played on the stated
date. My guess is that it'll be played at 3am on an unannounced date with
the first we know about it being the hush hush announcement of the result on
Classic FM in between snippets of Beethoven and Mozart.

Spurs and Leyton Orient have another attempt to have a judicial review of
the Olympic Stadium decision rebuffed by the High Court. However, using the
Sheffield United tactic of "never mind the law just keep going back until
you can find a judge stupid enough to agree with you", the latest decision
merely meets with another application to the courts.

The "out" door at the Boleyn is working overtime. Dember Ba takes his
suspect knees to Newcastle, a relegation release clause in his contract
meaning that the Geordies don't have to touch any of the £35m received for
Andy Carroll last term. Thomas Hitzlsperger, having indicated that he might
be willing to stay on at the Boleyn depending on who comes in as manager,
takes one look at Allardyce before activating the relegation release clause
in his own contract. Also on the way out is Radoslav Kovac for whom FC Basle
have paid an "undisclosed" fee. Presumably the "undisclosed" nature of the
transaction is to protect Basle from embarrassment at the prospect of
admitting that they actually paid a fee for the player.

Zavon Hines is embroiled in contract discussions, seeking a raise in the
pocket money he is being paid by SuGo. The club seem reluctant to increase
Hines' salary by a significant amount pointing out that even Kevin Keen
still has a paper round.

Stoke cause mild amusement by offering £3m for Carlton Cole. Not to be
outdone, neighbours Port Vale put in a bid of £2.50 and a packet of wine
gums for Lionel Messi stating "if Stoke want to be daft, we can be dafter".

Further silly season amusement is provided by Fulham whose owner Mohammed
Fayed (the "Al" bit of his name is as bogus as the rest of him) takes the
meaning of the word "bonkers" to a new level. Not content with erecting a
pointless statue to the memory of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage,
the ex-owner of Harrods goes one delightfully mad step further by
introducing a range of wacko merchandise in the club shop. Attempts to
establish exactly how many t-shirts showing the phoney pharaoh and Jacko
pictured together meet with an embarrassed silence before the shop manager
hangs up on me. Meanwhile, other trinkets available such as key rings and
small statuettes contain the website warning "may contain small pieces that
may be harmful to children". Sometimes you have to really work hard for a
punchline. This is not one of those times.

More rumours abound as Leeds' Max Graidel and Craig Mackail-Smith of
Peterborough are linked with moves to the Boleyn. Mackail-Smith eventually
picks Brighton & Hove Albion as a destination despite Barry Fry's rather
public attempts to get us involved in further negotiations.

Sammy Lee resigns as coach at Liverpool. Apparently he has just heard that
West Ham are after a fat bloke called Sam for a top role. The club later
confirm that he won't be coming to the Boleyn, a fact lamented by local
bakeries and pie shops still reeling from the loss of Benni McCarthy related
profits.

Kevin Keen decides to up sticks to join Steve Ckarke up at Anfield where he
is promised a bigger salary and protection from the bigger boys whilst doing
his paper round.


July

Shenanigans-a-plenty as the Olympic Stadium takes centre stage. The Legacy
Company suspend Dionne Knight, an employee, over revelations that she has
been paid as a consultant by the club, a fact of which the Legacy Company
had previously been unaware. Meanwhile, the club temporarily suspend Olympic
Project Director Ian Tompkins as it is revealed that he has been in a
relationship with Ms Knight for some time. As the dust settles it transpires
that the club has been quite open with its dealings with Ms Knight and that
there are serious concerns as to how private financial dealings became
public. The club announces legal action against Spurs, who it seems have
resorted to using a private investigator in their rather shabby attempts to
move upmarket, and against the Sunday Times who have been conned into acting
as Spurs' mouthpiece over the affair.

Another part of the Murdoch empire is in trouble over 'phone hacking claims
as it transpires that the News Of The World has been listening into the
messages of murder victims and the families of dead servicemen, as well as
the hundreds of two-bob so-called celebrities who couldn't otherwise buy
that sort of publicity. Thousands are left wondering as to how they will be
able to keep up with the lives of Ashley and Cheryl Cole as the NOTW closes
down for good. Spurs chairman Daniel Levy sadly fails to take the hint.

More transfer rumours as Joe Cole is linked with a loan move to the Boleyn
having slummed it at Chelsea and Liverpool over the past few years. As ever
it appears that wages might be a sticking point, what with Cole's agent
rather unsportingly suggesting that we might consider paying some.

Scott Parker's still about. A reported £10m bid from Turkish giants
Fenerbahce finds favour with the club but not the player who prefers to stay
a little closer to home. The player's future is further muddied by the fact
that Spurs had been favourites to sign him, something that seems unlikely
whilst legal action between the clubs is on the cards. Aston Villa shuffle
about looking interested in the background.

An unusual announcement is made as the club seeks sanctions from the Italian
FA over Alessandro Diamanti. It seems that Brescia haven't been keeping up
with the payments for the Happy Shopper Di Canio. We ourselves read the
club's statement several times, unfamiliar as we are with the concept of
somebody actually owing money TO West Ham United. Diamanti manages to pick
up an Italian cap after his departure from the Boleyn, though his six goals
in 31 appearances for Brescia aren't enough to save them from relegation to
Serie B.

Another ex-player in the news is Mido who has been sent to prison not, as
one might have thought, for impersonating a professional footballer, but for
his involvement in a fight with some students. In an uncanny reflection of
our own end of season dinner, Mido, whose real name is Ahmed Hossam Hussein
Abdelhamid, gets into an argument when the students ask him what was taking
so long as he gives an autograph.

Mido's initial sentence of two weeks inside is extended to a month to allow
the prison Governor time to complete the paperwork.

Back home, the club decide against producing a 2010/11 season highlights
DVD, presumably on the grounds that there are only so many times you can
repeat the wins over Man Utd and Liverpool on the one disc before somebody
will notice. Nobody appears too upset at this news, other than those
completists who have every video and DVD since they started making them. "I
have every video and DVD since they started making them" one moans at us
before admitting: "I draw the line at actually watching them though."

The club announce a brand new system for reducing injuries within the squad.
The system involves constant computerised monitoring of players'
performances with personalised websites into which the players (and
presumably former News Of The World employees) can log or (hack into) order
to review fitness and recovery levels. A proud computer boffin (not Ruud)
tells us "according to my stats we've already reduced injuries by 98% since
1 July" though he is less than happy when we point out that the expiry of
Kieron Dyer's contract on 30 June might have skewed the figures a bit.

Pre-season proper starts with Green, Parker and Cole all travelling to
Switzerland with the squad despite rumours of imminent departures. Cole in
particular is said to be Stoke bound with the Potters making an increased
bid of a rumoured £6m including add-ons. The clubs agree the fee but Cole is
said to be wavering over personal terms, the player wanting more money if he
is to give up football for life with Stoke.

Also on the plane are Polish defender Hernani Da Rosa and Irish midfielder
Joey O'Brien, both of whom have been on trial at the club. The more
observant of you notice the decided un-Polishness of Da Rosa's name as it
transpires that the 27 year-old Korona Kielce stopper is Brazilian by birth.
It's that whole "Polish-Brazilian" thing again. O'Brien, who, unusually for
someone with a full Republic of Ireland cap, was born in Dublin, has spent
much of the last few years injured, at one stage having had part of a
kneecap removed. So far so traditional.

In Switzerland (the official name of which is not in any of the country's
four official languages, trivia fans) the club take part in something called
the Uhren Cup. This turns out to be a Swiss pre-season tournament and not,
as many had suggested, a piece of scientific apparatus designed to worry
certain players, for example, picking random names out of the air, Rio
Ferdinand or Shaun Newton.

The tournament opens as an experimental side (containing both of the
aforementioned trialists as well as Faubert and the previously persona non
grata Ilunga) goes down 2-1 to Young Boys, Frank Nouble netting for the
Irons. The match represents the end of the pre-season run in for Young Boys.
In fact they've played so many games already the win is probably good enough
to actually win them the Uhren Cup before we have had a chance to enter it.
We are left to play for the contents against FC Basle who beat us with a
93rd minute spot-kick given away by Julien Faubert. Junior Stanislas nets
our goal, again from the spot. Despite the defeats the trip is regarded by a
success by the club, with the new management team getting to look at the
squad. We at kumb.com are also congratulated for managing to go a whole
paragraph on the trip without making any schoolboy gags relating to the name
of our opponents - though try as we might we can't see anything inherently
funny in the name "Basle" anyway.

In football there are a number of constants that never change. One of these
states that: "Whenever a transfer window is open West Ham will be linked
with – but will fail to sign – Eidur Gudjohnsen". With that in mind
physicists start to worry about their understanding of the fabric of the
universe as Gudjohnsen turns up for and passes a medical. It looks for all
the world as if the Icelandic striker will sign at the 1,947th time of
asking. However, Allardyce flies back from Switzerland to talk to the player
and, after a chat over tea and biscuits, the manager expresses some doubts
as to the player's desire to become a Hammer. As the player's agent (who
happens to be his Dad) mentions that AEK Athens have offered two years
rather than the one to which we are willing to commit, the manager pulls the
plug on the deal once and for all. Rumours that Gudjohnsen's parting words
to Allardyce were "see you same time next January" are unfounded.

The "Cole to Stoke" saga draws to a conclusion with the player staying put.
Stoke supremo Peter Coates makes some comments of a sour grape nature
stating that the player is injured anyway, something that both player and
club deny. "He's been 100% fit ever since we introduced our new fitness
monitoring system" a proud physio/computer boffin (not Ruud) informs us,
though he is less than happy when we point out that the system was only
introduced a few paragraphs ago.

That legendary German sense of humour comes to the fore as Thomas
Hitzlsperger appears before magistrates accused of driving at 107 mph in a
70 mph zone on the A14 in Suffolk. Der Ex-Hammer somehow manages to keep a
straight face as he explains that he needs to keep his licence as he's, er,
currently unemployed and needs to drive so he can find a new club.
Incredibly, Suffolk magistrates fall for the line and leave the midfielder a
mere £750 lighter in pocket for his trouble with licence intact (albeit six
points heavier). A spokesman for the Bury St Edmunds Magistrates court
defends the sentence pointing out that "it could hardly be Mr Hitzlsperger's
fault that the man with the red flag didn't prevent him from exceeding the
limit. They still have those, right?" Meanwhile if anyone else out there is
unemployed and arrested for speeding let us know how well that particular
defence goes – on prison notepaper if necessary.

The club announces the arrival of a new "Development Coach" in the form of
Ian Hendon, who has come in from Gillingham where he has been plying his
trade as assistant manager. We spend some time wondering why we need an
expert in film processing in an age when even my camera is digital, before
realising that the club has changed the name of the Reserves to "The
Development Squad." This sounds like the sort of low budget remake of "The
A-Team" that British tv would have made had it occurred to them back in the
1980's. (Current TV executives please note: our lawyers are watching).

All change next for the West Stand for which naming rights have been sold to
some foreign exchange dealers. Officially the stand is to be known as the
"Alpari Stand" – and whilst to those of us of a certain age and (un)fitness
level the trek up the stairs often feels akin to climbing an alp, I decide
I'll stick to calling it the West Stand, if only so that I have my bearings
for the journey home. Up North, Newcastle deny that their away section is to
be christened "The Lunar Stand" just to keep things in proportion (if you've
been there you'll know), though as the final Space Shuttle mission draws to
a close NASA confirm that Atlantis has made a slight detour to deliver some
pies to the Sir John Hall stand on its way back from the nearby
International Space Station.

The new sponsors' first task is to come up with a favourable rate for the
Danish Krone as the club fly out to Copenhagen for a pre-season friendly
against the imaginatively-named FC Copenhagen. On hearing that a match will
be taking place close to the "home of Carlsberg" a number of supporters miss
out on the trip having confused "Denmark" with the "Denmark Arms". However,
few realise the mistake after consuming a few pints of the aforementioned
libation. Those who hear that the match is taking place at the home of
"Lurpak" are not so lucky. My attempts to get another joke out of
spread-related puns are thwarted when Shamrock Rovers become Copenhagen's
next Champions League opponents by beating Estonian side FC Flora.

The match ends up 1-0 to us with Freddie Sears putting away a fine finish
late on, the one down side being the stitches required by Rob Green after a
collision with a Copenhagen forward. West Brom see the damage and put in a
bid for the 'keeper of a few bob they happened to find down the back of the
sofa. The bid is described by a club insider as an "insult", presumably
because it doesn't include the cost of the silk used to make the stitches.

The Football League announces a change to the substitute regulations. The
number of players allowed on the bench from the Championship downwards is to
be reduced to five from seven. The FA Cup and League Cup are not affected by
the ruling and we'd rather not worry about the Johnstones Paint Trophy at
this point. The extra space, added to the availability of the seats
previously allocated to Benni McCarthy allows the club to increase the
capacity of the Boleyn by a few hundred.

Talking of the portly South African, he reappears at Ajax. That's Ajax Cape
Town rather than the Dutch lot of Cruyff and total football fame. The former
Bafana Bafana striker turns up for training with the "Urban Warriors" (which
was the slightly more violent follow up to "The Development Squad" on
"Bravo", no doubt featuring Danny Dyer) hoping to earn a contract. An Ajax
Cape Town player is quoted as saying that McCarthy "oozes class" which
suggests that, despite the hosting of a World Cup, football in South Africa
may have a long way to come. Either that or we mis-heard the comment – but
frankly we'd rather not have to consider what else might have been oozed. In
unconnected news, Cape Town's fleet of tourist boats are said to be
anticipating a bumper whale-watching season.

Pablo Barrera becomes the latest subject of departure speculation.
Completely unused up to this point in pre-season, he has, nevertheless,
caught the eye for Mexico in the Gold Cup (like the Uhren Cup only made of
gold). Real Zaragoza offer to take him on loan, offering to pick him up when
they pop round for the SBOBet Cup (like the Gold Cup only made out of, er,
SBOBets). However the deal collapses over one basic detail. "You want US to
pay his wages as well?" Zaragoza ask, having not quite gotten the hang of
this loan thang. We appear unworried by this turn of events, the player's
international form having apparently stirred interest in a number of clubs
willing to take the player on.

The "Trotterfication" of West Ham United continues as Matt Taylor arrives
from the Reebok in a deal worth £2.2m. A left-sided midfielder with stints
at left back on his CV he is perhaps best known for his occasional habit of
scoring goals from the half-way line whilst on the books down at Pompey,
Everton and Sunderland being on the receiving end of two particularly
noteworthy efforts.

Taylor's signing comes too late for the next warm-up but Barrera is included
in the shop window up at Wycombe, a turgid affair that has "pre-season
friendly" written all over it as it plods its way to a 0-0 draw.

QPR feature heavily in the next flurry of transfer activity. Target DJ
Campbell decides, against all evidence to the contrary, that he can score
enough goals to keep a side in the Premiership rather than enough to promote
a side out of the Championship and elects to sign for the West Londoners
rather than us. Also Loftus Road-bound is Danny Gabbidon who joins Kieron
Dyer in Shepherd's Bush, the deal having been struck in order to provide
Kieron Dyer with some company for those long hours in the treatment room.

Elsewhere it seems that Der Ex-Hammer is making full use of his retained
driving licence. Having enjoyed last season's relegation fight so much he
looks set to embark on another one as Wolves become linked with the traffic
cops' best friend.

Further rumours link us with Owen Hargreaves. Now call us picky but we're
sure that the Canadian born England international may just have missed one
or two matches in recent years through injury and might, as a result, not be
quite 100% fit shall we say. Our physio/computer boffin (not Ruud) refuses
to confirm our interest but tells us worryingly "we have the technology. We
can rebuild him" at which point we put in a call to Alpari to establish
exactly how much $6m is in sterling these days (obscure 1970's tv reference
there for our older readers).

Jason Puncheon is next to enter the rumour zone, which seems to be populated
with a number of players being linked simultaneously with ourselves, QPR and
West Brom, suggesting a bit of journalistic kite-flying might be taking
place. Puncheon is out of favour at Southampton, firstly with management,
for inconsistent performances and rumours of off-field shenanigans, and
secondly with the supporters, for indicating that he'd actually be
interested in a move to Pompey. Having spent much of last season on loan at
Blackpool it seems that the sea air is to the winger's taste, though quite
what he thought of the pong at Millwall where he spent an earlier period on
loan we couldn't say.

Up front, both we and West Brom are also supposedly interested in the
Reading striker Shane Long. After Reading's playoff final defeat, dodgy
chairman John Madejski was heard to refer to the player as "world class"
valuing him at £20m. We offer £8m (£5m plus add-ons)pointing out that whilst
we sympathise with the apparent loss of Madejski's wig, it hadn't been very
convincing in the first place and that we'll be damned if we are going to
finance its replacement. However, we do like a good pun here at Kumb Towers
and the fact that Long is from (Co.) Tipperary has us grinning in
anticipation. Yes we do need to get out more.

Dagenham & Redbridge are next up in the pre-season friendly carousel.
Abdoulaye Faye is missing as the curse of the pre-season signing injury
rears its ugly-if-familiar head. Having pulled a hamstring in the Young Boys
match he has failed to make an appearance. This gets us thinking: would it
be an idea to make our first summer signing each year someone who is already
injured, that way getting it all out of the way early so we know where we
stand? Owen Hargreaves – come back and see us next summer.

The Dagenham & Redbridge match ends up with a 1-0 win courtesy of a decent
Carlton Cole finish. Matt Taylor makes his debut, Joey O'Brien continues his
trial spell whilst Spanish triallist Alex Lopez, who replaces Cole on 55
minutes, lasts 19 minutes before being replaced by Robert Hall, suggesting
that he was either that good or that bad. Take a guess which. Fans trying to
watch the match on a hooky internet stream spend a lot of time looking at
the back of Sky's pitch-side reporter's head.

Danny Gabbidon takes a swipe at his former employers, "It's hard to work out
how the owners come to some of their decisions" he points out. Of course
it's a lot easier at QPR where the owners include some of the richest men on
the planet. The logic behind their signing such players with injury records
like, er, Danny Gabbidon and Kieron Dyer despite having available funds
coming out of their ears is, in comparison, really easy to fathom.

Talking of QPR's ownership, it is revealed that pint-sized Formula 1 supremo
Bernie Ecclestone is in talks with Tony Fernandes with a view to selling the
club.

Silly news is put into perspective by the news that Academy youngster Dylan
Tombides has been diagnosed with testicular cancer. Happily the prognosis is
that, like Bobby Moore and Eamon Dolan before him, the disease has been
diagnosed early enough for a full recovery to be made. Doctors also suggest
that Tombides, who, but for injuries elsewhere on the pitch would have made
his first team debut in the season-closer v Sunderland, should be able to
resume his career as well. The moral of the story is that you shouldn't be
afraid to check them for lumps guys – and get anything that doesn't seem
right looked at properly.

In the lunatic asylum that is FIFA, Mohammed Bin Hamman is banned from
football for life for bribing officials in return for votes during the run
up to the FIFA elections. Strangely, Blatter's own bribing of officials in
previous elections is not mentioned as a strange bout of collective amnesia
hits FIFA's ludicrously-named "Ethics Committee" who, for good measure then
go after those accused of accepting the Qatari's largesse.

Another heavy dose of perspective is served up with the news that Dean Moore
has passed away aged 43. Natural causes, possibly linked to long-term
problems with alcohol are blamed for the death which, like that of his
father before him, came at no age at all.

Elsewhere on the international scene, just as we'd managed to expunge the
memory of the last World Cup from our minds, the draw for the qualification
for the next one is upon us. Before the draw some computer boffin (not Ruud)
points out that the already bizarre FIFA ranking system has a glitch in its
programming which means that the Faroe Islands should be ranked 0.07 of a
point higher. This moves them above Wales who, thus relegated to 112th spot
in the table, are placed into the same qualifying pot as Liechtenstein,
Malta, Khazakstan, Andorra and the Dog & Duck 2nd XI. For what it's worth
England are in 6th place, down from the dizzy heights of 4th – a position
into which we sneaked into temporarily while Brazil & Uruguay were on
holiday before the Copa America. This ranking is still good enough, however,
to keep us apart from Spain, Germany, The Netherlands and the Dog & Duck 1st
XI in the draw. As usual England are drawn with Poland which means that
we'll be shown that bloody 1973 World Cup qualifier over and over again
along with footage of Cloughie referring to 'keeper Tomascewski as "a clown"
on endless loop.

The pre-season friendly run comes to an end with a 2-0 win over Real
Zaragoza, Goals from Matt Taylor and Freddie Sears do the trick. Joey
O'Brien signs a 3 year deal and his place as the statutory ex-Bolton player
on trial in residence is taken by JLloyd Samuel, whose hour or so against
the Spaniards is not the most testing of his career, this being Zaragoza's
first friendly of pre season. Allardyce misses the second half to go on a
scouting mission elsewhere, presumably in search of the striker that Mr Gold
(in his programme notes) says we will be signing before the window closes.


August

The last days of pre-season arrive with the news that one candidate for the
striker vacancy is Mikael Forssell. The German-born Finn is available on a
free and has been training with the club, missing out on the Zaragoza match
having arrived too late to have any meaningful involvement.

Allardyce confirms that, despite a lack of any discernible interest from
elsewhere, Scott Parker is still likely to be on his way by the end of the
window as long as someone comes up with what is now rumoured to be a £7m
asking price. We could have sworn that it was £10m when we started writing
this.

Also on his way out is Luis Boa Morte who, it transpires, has gone home to
Portugal having had the final year of his contract cancelled "by mutual
agreement". Often on the receiving end of some appalling and largely
unmerited abuse from some sections of the crowd, the player always put in a
lot of effort over the years – occasionally too much - which is more than
can be said of some of his contemporaries. Despite the stick, LBM retained
his dignity and, though this will upset some, he goes with my good wishes
anyway.

Also on his way is Jonathan Spector. Spector – forever damned with the faint
praise title of "utility player" - made little impact during his tenure at
the club. Being used generally as a "fill-in" player gave him little chance
to establish himself in the side. However, he will be remembered for one
glorious evening in the snow in 2010 when he picked up a couple of goals in
the 4-0 League Cup demolition of Man Utd. Our favourite Septic is on his way
to Birmingham City.

Sharing the same initials (how's that for a tenuous link) is Jordan Spence
who is on his way back on loan to Bristol City, a club whose initials,
spookily, are the same as those of Birmingham City. (You don't get this
level of insight on the official site!)

We take another a baffled but amused look north of the border at Hearts
where, two matches into the SPL season, ever so slightly bonkers owner
Vladimir Romanov sacks manager Jim Jeffries. Normally we'd express sympathy
with one losing his job but, on this occasion we can't help feeling that Mr
Jeffries might just be better off out of it. As we said earlier, it's got
absolutely nothing to do with us but it is amusing in a "car crash" sort of
way.

And so the season finally starts. Sort of. In fact thanks to the tv people
the start of the season is spread over three days – if you don't count
Crawley v AFC Wimbledon in the League Cup which happens the week before. And
the Europa League, the preliminaries of which started so long ago some of
the players who will be playing in the final will not have been born when
their club played their first fixture in the opening
"ante-preliminary-extra-pre-qualifying round (first leg).

Our opening match against Cardiff takes place on the Sunday, a couple of
hours before the "Traditional Curtain Raiser" of the (Care In The) Community
Shield between Salford and Manchester City.

Before we start there's still time for another signing as Norwegian striker
John Carew arrives from that club Unattached who, at this rate, will be
struggling to put out a side. Carew has spent all summer looking for a club
rather than training so isn't considered for the opening match, which we
somehow contrive to lose 1-0 missing a shedload of chances in the process.
"I won't sleep tonight!" claims Sam in the post match press conference.

Elsewhere in London things go a little bit silly as a peaceful if misguided
protest over the police shooting of someone carrying a gun is hijacked by
the sort of idiot who takes the opportunity to undertake his own protest at
not having a 50 inch telly by going out and nicking a 50 inch telly. Shops
are looted and buildings set alight as the Met struggle to cope. Sensibly,
and understandably, The Met decide that there are more pressing needs about
town than keeping an eye on a football match and our League Cup match v
Aldershot Town is postponed. The England v Netherlands friendly is also
postponed to the relief of club managers everywhere.

The break gives us time to sign yet another player as we welcome back George
McCartney on a season-long loan from Sunderland. Linda has not been high up
Steve Bruce's pecking order and spent much of 2010/11 on loan at Leeds,
where Ken Bates was heard to criticise the player's attitude. Now anyone who
manages to get on the wrong side of such deep thinkers as Bruce and Bates
must be doing something right so the signing looks to be a shrewd one.
Especially given Herita Ilunga's "goldfish floundering out of water"
impression during the opening match. Quite what Mrs McCartney thinks of it
all we're not told.

Another returning to the fold is Steve Potts who is appointed part-time
coach to the U16 group of players.

One player who we are told won't be on his way is Nice (the city not the
biscuit or the faintly damning adjective) striker Eric Moulongui who is told
by his chairman that an alleged bid made by the Irons "is of no interest".

Outside football the rioting spreads to other towns and cities in the UK.
Steven Gerrard tells people to stop criminal behaviour in Liverpool. Yes
THAT Steven Gerrard. Dictionary editors get knocked over in the rush to
redefine the word "irony" and church groups consider booking David Pleat to
tell everyone how bad kerb-crawling is. Meanwhile, Spurs v Everton is
postponed "due to concerns regarding the local infrastructure". Rumours that
Everton supporters are refusing to travel because all the good stuff has
already been nicked are of course cheap, scurrilous and funny. Elsewhere
Police flood N17 with officers searching for offensive weapons but announce
that, although they have found knives, guns and samurai swords, there's no
sign of a big club.

There's even more tension in the North West as thousands of football lovers
threaten to riot if the Blackburn v Wolves match actually goes ahead.

More ex-Hammer news as Matthew Upson (who was, apparently, our captain last
season) announces his retirement from football to sign for Stoke City. "I
welcome the opportunity of creeping up behind Robert Huth in a cowardly
fashion and decking him from behind when he's not looking" the player claims
before manager Tony Pulis puts him right – "no son, that's what we do to our
opponents".

We return to action at Doncaster where we suddenly remember exactly what
it's like to win a game away from home. Over 3,000 Hammers are in the 11,000
or so crowd at the Keepmoat to see skipper Nolan pick up the only goal of
the game after five minutes.

It's a bad day for the ex-Hammers at QPR. Gabbidon nets an own goal but that
hardly seems to matter as Kieron Dyer's desperate run of luck continues, the
player being stretchered off after only six minutes of QPR's 4-0 home defeat
to Bolton. Fears that the player might have broken a metatarsal (or "toe" as
we used to call them) are unfounded however, as are fears that the player's
career might be at an end.

No sooner have the players got off the train at Kings Cross then it's back
on to the Metropolitan line up to Watford where we run out comprehensive 4-0
winners, again in front of a large away support of close to 4,000
(officially). Tomkins, O'Brien, Cole and Parker are the ones to trouble the
statisticians, who spend a few post-match hours in the records basement
before emerging covered in dust to announce that this is the first time
since 2007 that the team have pulled off back-to-back away wins.

Parker's barnet is barely dry after the match before it is announced that
QPR have bid £4m for his services, the money coming courtesy of erstwhile
prospective Hammers owner Tony Fernandes who has just bought
66.666666666(etc)% of the Shepherds Bush club. The size of the bid does not
impress David S who dismisses the bid as a publicity stunt: "It's like us
bidding £12m for Wayne Rooney", he claims, before adding "I don't suppose
that would interest you at all Sir Alex?" on the off chance.

Der Ex-Hammer arrives at Molineux having driven at a constant 55 mph all the
way from Bury St Edmunds magistrates court. However, on arrival he finds
that nobody is expecting him. After a few 'phonecalls, Hitzlsperger's
slightly hard of hearing agent is red-faced and admits: "er, it was actually
Wolfsburg that called". Hitzlsperger jumps straight back into his car and
triggers every speed camera on the M1 before picking up a flight from Luton
to sign for the German outfit.

Another player on his way is Zavon Hines who, you recall, wasn't happy with
his pocket money. Hines cleverly avoids confusion as to which players are on
his side by signing for Burnley. Although the player is out of contract, his
age and the fact that he came up through the youth ranks mean that a
tribunal will decide on compensation.

The Eric Mouloungui deal seems to be back on as the player pops over for a
medical, allegedly. However, after a few hours of having his knees tapped
with those little rubber hammers the player decides that he'd rather return
to Nice (the place not the biscuit etc).

Leeds are the next visitors to the Boleyn and they are also the next
visitors to pick up a late goal. Their 90+1 minute effort gives them a
deserved point from a match in which both sides have dominant spells. Cole
and an o.g. are our scorers in the 2-2 draw.

Yet again we concede a late goal, this time in the League Cup as a mixture
of first XI and development squad players throw away a 1-0 lead against the
might of, er, Aldershot Town. Rookie centre half Calum McNaughton picks up
our first red card of the season for a so-called "professional foul". There
are lots of mutterings about "homesickness". None of these are heard by
Pablo Barrera who, after being substituted in the second half heads straight
along to Stansted, ending up at Zaragosa on loan, the Spanish club finally
having worked out how the loan system works.

As the window nears closure, the transfer front, which has been a bit quiet
for a while, suddenly wakes up with rumours of a move for Milton Keynes
striker Sam Baldock. Baldock, fresh from a hat-trick in a league match and a
fine strike against Norwich in the League Cup is also reported to be
interesting Southampton but eventually arrives for a reported £2m.

Another new arrival is striker Montenegro-Marrinez, whose first name of
"Brian" seems strangely incongruous. One can only speculate at the
conversation that took place in the maternity hospital: "Congratulations Mrs
Montenegro-Marrinez, it's a boy. Have you given any thought as to what
you'll call him? Yes doctor, we thought we'd name him after portly 60's
Hammer Brian Dear – his nickname was "Stag" and he once scored five in 20
minutes against West Brom you know". Brian (he's not the Messiah he's a
Paraguayan forward) comes in on a season-long loan from Uruguayan outfit
Deportivo Maldonado, which sounds like the sort of name that a few mates
from Essex might give their Sunday League team as a joke.

Non-football happenings include the sabotaging of stocks of Nurofen Plus,
packets of which are found to contain anti-psychotic drugs used in the
treatment of depression. The problem is noted only when thousands of people
claim that they still have headaches but don't really care.

Back to football and neither of the new signings are available for the next
match which sees us continue the fine away run by beating Forest at the City
Ground. An o.g., Nolan, Cole and Reid are on target as we come away with
three points from a 4-1 win.


A major philosophical problem befalls Irons fans everywhere as we try to
work out whether Spurs losing 5-1 at home to Man City, thus going bottom of
the league, is funnier than Arsenal's 8-2 defeat to the Salford lot at Old
Trafford. Meanwhile there's further disappointment for North London football
fans as they discover that all stocks of Nurofen Plus have been removed from
the shelves as a precautionary measure.

The Parker saga seems to be coming to a close with talks opening with Spurs,
something that leads to the player's omission from the Forest match, the
boss reckoning that the player is not mentally right for the match. Transfer
negotiations take place in something of a tense atmosphere when the club
reveals that Spurs have offered to withdraw objection to the Olympic Stadium
deal if we would, sort of, bring ourselves to, er, "forget", the little
incident involving the illegal accessing of personal financial records by
people acting on behalf of Daniel Levy. West Ham pass that note on to the
Met's finest as well.

Parker submits a formal transfer request to add to the informal one hinted
at by his early season performances.

As the window hots up (if windows can be said to heat up) Lionel Messi and
Wesley Sneider are but two of the many players with whom we aren't linked.
One who does arrive is Papa Bouba Diop who comes in on a free. "The
Wardrobe" as he is known first came to attention many moons ago playing in
the World Cup, something that prompted m' website colleague Rio at the time
to namecheck Cleo Laine in what I believe is still one of the funniest
one-liners ever to grace this particular corner of the interweb.

Arsenal midfielder Henri Lansbury is next to appear, arriving on a
season-long loan with an option to purchase. Our writers immediately
christen the midfielder "Angela" so that Linda McCartney won't feel alone in
the side. The on-off-on-off Mouloungui deal is seems to be on again for one
final time before it finally fails to occur. However, the cosmopolitan
nature of the game is reinforced by the arrival of midfielder/right back Guy
Demel. The French-born Ivory coast international comes in from Hamburg while
our writers go completely mad trying to figure out exactly how they are
going to work the phrase "Demel Hempstead" into match reports.

The Parker deal is finally concluded with the player deciding to wind down
his career at Spurs, whose position at the bottom of the league at the time
prompts speculation that what the player really enjoys is a relegation
battle.

David Bentley takes a step up in the world by coming in the other direction
to sign on a season long loan. Whether or not the deal is part of the Parker
deal is not revealed but we reckon there's a fair way to go before "The
Parker Deal" attains the same mythical status within kumb.com as "The
Carrick Deal".

On the way out is Junior Stanislas who joins Zavon Hines up at Burnley.
Benedictine shandies all round then. Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio (and how
weird does that phrase sound?), fresh from having a ruck with one of his own
players, takes Ahmet Abdulla on loan to provide further sparring practice.
Jordan Brown goes to Aldershot for a month to find out how to win Cup
matches. And that was yer lot for the window.

And it's only August...

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Is Rodriguez on His Way to Upton Park?
By S J Chandos
West Ham Till I Die

There is a story this evening that West Ham are to compete with Southampton
and Cardiff City for the £6m signature of Burnley's Jay Rodriguez. Last
season he scored an impressive 21 goals in 42 league and cup games, a 1 in 2
ratio. He looks to be a very hot prospect and if our main competitors are
the Bluebirds and Saints then we should stand a good chance of landing him.
Cardiff City are still a Championship side, while arguably West Ham are a
more attractive proposition than the Saints, even if only because
geographically London is a bigger draw than the south coast. West Ham might
even be able to clinch the deal by offering a player(s) on a season long
loan or even a permanent part-exchange deal, if Allardyce feels that they
are surplus to requirements in the PL. I am sure Burnley want to keep him,
but he is a player who looks ready to step up this summer.

Could this be the opening gambit in Sam Allardyce's rumoured strategy to
target two or three of the best and brightest prospects in the second tier?
Could that see a couple from Clyne, Zaha, Snodgrass or King arriving at
Upton Park this summer? We shall see.

SJ. Chandos

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£7m is Sam's Dost cost
The Sun
By ANDREW DILLON
Published: 25th May 2012

SAM ALLARDYCE has slapped in a £7million bid for Dutch scoring sensation Bas
Dost. The West Ham boss wants 6ft 4in Dost, 22 — who topped the goals chart
in Holland with 32 goals in 34 league games for Heerenveen — to bolster his
squad for the Premier League next season. Big Sam only has Carlton Cole and
Ricardo Vaz Te as frontline strikers after Sam Baldock and Nicky Maynard
failed to make an impact in the Championship last term. Allardyce also hopes
to sign left-back George McCartney permanently after a successful season on
loan from Sunderland. The club's £33m wage-bill was eased slightly with
big-earning Julien Faubert released.

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Cardiff and West Ham enter race to sign Burnley ace Rodriguez
By SPORTSMAIL REPORTER
PUBLISHED: 23:05, 25 May 2012 | UPDATED: 23:05, 25 May 2012
Daily Mail

Cardiff and West Ham are ready to rival Southampton for £6million-rated
Burnley striker Jay Rodriguez. Meanwhile, Preston want former Everton
keeper Richard Wright.

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Andy Carroll and Robert Green to start for England against Norway
Striker tipped to replace suspended Wayne Rooney
Steven Gerrard will captain Roy Hodgson's team
Press Association
guardian.co.uk, Friday 25 May 2012 16.46 BST

The England manager, Roy Hodgson, has confirmed both Andy Carroll and Rob
Green will start Saturday's friendly against Norway in Oslo. Hodgson will be
taking charge of his first fixture in charge of England, and has opted to
give Carroll – tipped to replace the suspended Wayne Rooney in the first two
matches of Euro 2012 – the chance to prove his worth. With Chelsea's
Champions League winners yet to join the squad and Rooney not involved,
Hodgson does not have many options at his disposal. "Andy ended the season
well and that was after a difficult start at Liverpool," Hodgson told a
pre-match press conference. "A lot of positions are taken care of as we're
still waiting for the Chelsea players and of course Wayne Rooney. I know
what I am going to do, but I haven't told the players yet. The back four
takes care of itself, Rob Green will be in goal and Steven [Gerrard] will
start as captain."

Green's return will be his first appearance since his ill-fated game against
the United States at the 2006 World Cup. He will be the back-up to Joe Hart
at the Euros, more so now with Norwich's John Ruddy ruled out with a broken
finger. Ruddy was one of Hodgson's wildcard selections for Poland and
Ukraine, and had planned to delay his honeymoon to travel with the squad. He
will not do so, though, having suffered the injury in training. "It was
unlucky for us," Hodgson added. "He was so excited to be with the national
team and to go to the Euros, but to break a finger, in goalkeeping work too,
was really unfortunate. We can't take a risk. The finger will heal before
the start of the season but the medical advice was for him to stop at home.
"As a result, we've given a chance to a young goalkeeper, Jack Butland,
who's cutting short his holiday in Mexico."

Hodgson also reported mixed news on three other injured players in the shape
of Scott Parker (achilles), Glen Johnson (toe) and Danny Welbeck (ankle).
"Scott Parker is good, we were concerned about his achilles but he's taken
part in all the training and will be taking part tomorrow," he said. "Glen
Johnson has an infected toe that will keep him out of the game tomorrow, but
we hope he'll be OK by next week. Danny Welbeck's injury has cleared up less
quickly than we'd hoped, but medical expertise tells me he'll be OK."

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Bas is the man for Sam! Allardyce makes £7m bid for Heerenveen striker Dost
By SPORTSMAIL REPORTER
PUBLISHED: 09:03, 26 May 2012 | UPDATED: 09:03, 26 May 2012
Daily Mail

West Ham boss Sam Allardyce has made a £7million bid for Dutch scoring
sensation Bas Dost. Allardyce wants the 22-year-old - who topped the goals
chart in Holland with 32 goals in 34 league games for Heerenveen - to boost
his squad for the Premier League next season. The West Ham manager only has
Carlton Cole and Ricardo Vaz Te as his main strikers after Sam Baldock and
Nicky Maynard failed to make an impact in the Championship. Allardyce also
hopes to sign left-back George McCartney permanently after a successful
season on loan from Sunderland. The club's £33m wage-bill was eased slightly
with big-earning Julien Faubert released.

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