HK high for Hammers
WHUFC.com
The travelling West Ham United squad achieved the club's best-ever showing in a Hong Kong tournament
16.05.2010
West Ham United put up a valiant showing on the second and final day of the HKFC IP Global International Soccer Sevens in Hong Kong on Sunday. The Hammers had won through in second place from Group C on Saturday, meaning they would progress to the main Cup competition. They met Birmingham City in the quarter-finals and edged a five-goal thriller in extra time thanks to Cristian Montano's winner. That earned the Hammers a last-four meeting with a strong Aston Villa side. The defending champions fielded three players with first-team experience in Ciaran Clark, Marc Albrightson and Nathan Delfouneso and proved too strong for the young Hammers. A 3-0 win for the Midlands club did not tell the whole story but few were surprised when Villa went on to be 3-2 winners against Rangers in the final.
West Ham reached the semi-finals for the first time with a tremendous team effort against Birmingham. The Hammers started sharply with Ahmed Abdulla and Olly Lee combining to score within the first two minutes. Birmingham responded but were kept at bay by a stoic West Ham defence, including a last-ditch tackle from Jordan Brown.
It was not long before West Ham broke again for Montano to score, meaning a two-goal advantage at the break. There was the chance to go further ahead soon after the restart with Jordan Spence brought down in the area, only for Lee to miss from the spot. Montano then had to leave the field for treatment and the Blues capitalised by scoring twice in three minutes to earn extra time.
With just four-a-side for the additional minutes - Sam Cowler, Spence, Lee and Montano made up the quartet - the Hammers battled back to strike quickly through Montano's golden goal. That meant a glamour tie with Villa, who had beaten the fancied Dutch giants AFC Ajax 3-1 in their quarter-final. Villa have won the competition three times in the last six years and have four titles to their name overall. West Ham refused to be overawed despite giving away much in experience with Brown going close before Albrighton forced a good save from Cowler. Montano then had a breakaway chance but it was to be Villa who took the lead. With Albrighton and Delfouneso looking dangerous, Villa made the game safe in the second half and were always on top. Lee had the chance of a late consolation but it was not to be for Alex Dyer's side, who nevertheless can head back to England with heads held high.
It was the Hammers' best-ever showing in the competition organised at Hong Kong Football Club and the experience will help a young squad, where only Spence of those who had made the long trip to the Far East had previously played a first-team game.
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Sparta glory for Repka
WHUFC.com
Popular defender Tomas Repka scored the crucial goal to help Sparta Prague to the Czech Republic title on Saturday
15.05.2010
Hammers fans will be interested to see the fortunes of Tomas Repka with the defender having captained Sparta Prague to the Czech Republic title at the age of 36. Repka was a huge favourite during his time at the Boleyn Ground, making 167 league appearances for the Hammers between 2001 and 2006 before returning to his homeland. The rejuvenated defender has been imperious at the back this season for the all-conquering Sparta, and headed the only goal as Sparta became the first to win the domestic league without losing a single game. The 1-0 win against FK Teplice at a packed Generali Arena prompted a mass pitch invasion and wild celebrations. Repka, who has played 27 league matches this season and has not been shown a red card in the last two campaigns, had said: "I love it. A do-or-die game and a full house. We have destiny in our hands and victory is a necessity." Sparta last won the league in 2006/07.
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Spector backs Green case
WHUFC.com
Jonathan Spector believes Robert Green should be England's No1 at the FIFA World Cup
15.05.2010
Jonathan Spector has backed Robert Green to line up against him when the United States take on England in their opening 2010 FIFA World Cup fixture. In exactly one month, the US will battle Fabio Capello's side in the South African town of Rustenburg on 12 June, when both nations will be desperate to get their campaign off to the best possible start.
West Ham United's versatile American defender believes his team-mate has all the tools needed to fight off the challenge posed by former Hammer David James and Manchester City youngster Joe Hart. "I always personally felt confident having him behind me, that if something goes wrong, he'll be there. I think he's the most consistent as well, compared to the other England keepers. "I think that's something Fabio Capello or any manager would value in a World Cup, especially when there's a lot more pressure, the kind of pressure the England team will be facing going into it."
Spector himself is also keen to experience the pressure of a World Cup, having missed out on the 2006 tournament in South Africa due to a serious shoulder injury. After being sidelined from the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing with a hip problem, the 24-year-old returned to international duty to help Bob Bradley's side reach the final of the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup, which was also held in South Africa last June. "I'm really excited, and for a number of reasons. It's the first opportunity to represent my country at such a big stage, which is a massive honour. Then personally, having missed the last World Cup and Olympics, I'm certainly looking forward to not missing out and being able to compete against the best teams and players in the world. "I'd certainly say it was an advantage for us [having played in the Confederations Cup]. For us, as a team, we know what it's like to be there, the atmosphere, the day-to-day aspect of being out there. We know what to expect going into it. It'll just be on a larger scale this time.
"Obviously the struggles we've had at West Ham this season have been well-documented. During that time it was difficult to think too far in advance about the World Cup. My focus was the job at hand, which was staying in the Premier League. It was a poor season for us, but importantly we managed to keep hold of our Premier League status."
With relegation avoided, Spector is now fully focused on stopping England and, in particular, Manchester United forward and PFA Players' Player of the Year Wayne Rooney.
"England actually play different to a lot of the other European teams. It's pretty well-known they're going to be more direct. They obviously like to get the ball forward as quickly as possible, and there will be a lot more crosses coming in from them than the other teams in the group. "I think we'll need to defend well as a group in that respect. They'll have good possession and we'll have to make sure possession is ahead of us, not behind us. I think they'll be sending quite a few players forward, so we can certainly counterattack, which is something we did very well at the Confederations Cup. "Rooney was in unbelievable form before his [ankle] injury. It didn't seem like you could stop him or take him out of the game. I think we need to limit his contribution as much as possible. He has so many great attributes and scored many goals and scored so many headers, which we haven't seen in the past. "It's not a job of one person to defend against him, but the team in general. He's very clever. Sometimes he drops off in the midfield to find space and pick up the ball and run at you."
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Ipswich Town date set
WHUFC.com
West Ham United will travel to Suffolk for a pre-season friendly on Saturday 31 July
14.05.2010
West Ham United will take on Ipswich Town in a pre-season friendly at Portman Road on Saturday 31 July. The Hammers will make the trip up the A12 to Suffolk for what promises to be an entertaining game against Roy Keane's side, who ended last season 15th in the Championship. West Ham last visited Ipswich for a pre-season fixture on 4 August 2008, when Dean Ashton scored a hat-trick in a 5-3 victory for the visitors. Craig Bellamy and Mark Noble (pictured) were also on target. The most recent competitive meetings between the two clubs came in the Division One play-offs at the climax of the 2004/05 season. A 2-2 draw at the Boleyn Ground was followed by an unforgettable 2-0 win at Portman Road in the second leg. Tickets for the forthcoming friendly, which will kick-off at 3pm, will be priced at £20 for adults, £15 for Over-60s, Under-20s, full-time students and disabled supporters, and £5 for Under-16s. The Hammers will also travel to League One outfit MK Dons for a friendly match on Wednesday 28 July, with kick-off at 7.30pm.
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Montano looking forward
WHUFC.com
U18 forward Cristian Montano was all smiles after receiving the prestigious Doris Bell Award
14.05.2010
When he was growing up in the Colombian city of Cali, Cristian Montano could have only dreamed of becoming a professional footballer. While a place in West Ham United's first team may still be some way off, the 18-year-old forward has ended the best season of his career so far by being named as the most-promising player in the club's famous Academy.
Montano, who moved to London as a youngster, was presented with the Doris Bell Award - chosen by Academy Director Tony Carr - following the Barclays Premier League draw with Manchester City that closed out the 2009/10 season. The South American-born player follows the likes of Junior Stanislas, Jack Collison and Freddie Sears in receiving the prestigious award. It was a fitting end to a hugely encouraging season for the youngster, who ended as the Under-18s top scorer with nine goals, scored his first for the reserves against Fulham last month, and turned in a fine performance in Carr's recent star-studded Testimonial match. "I can't really explain how I feel. It is a big thing for me to achieve I have achieved so far. I have got to thank Tony Carr and the other people around me for supporting me over the last two years - people like Alex Dyer and others who have played a part in my development as well. Without them, I wouldn't have won this award. "It's a big thing. When I played in the Testimonial I shared a dressing room with players who now play for Manchester United and Chelsea, so Tony has proved it again an d again. I'm just glad I've got this award, especially as I wasn't expecting it. "I've just got to keep going and not think that anything is over yet. I've got to keep improving and doing what I have been doing and, if I do get a chance in the first team, I've got to take it. "I want to play regular reserve football next season and see how that goes and hopefully I'll get scouted and go out and play some first-team football on loan if I get the chance."
Montano's footballing ambition is to follow in the footsteps of his hero, former Newcastle United striker Faustino Asprilla, and play for his native Colombia. Before then, he has a season-ending trip to the Far East for the HKFC IP Global International Soccer Sevens to look forward to with the action getting under way on Saturday. "It's a nice way to end the season. We want to have a good time, but we also want to do well and go far in the tournament."
While Montano moves on to his first year as a professional, he believes the Under-18s will have a fine FA Premier Academy League season in 2010/11, with the likes of England U17 striker Robert Hall and England U16 midfielders Matthias Fanimo and Blair Turgott forming the basis for what should be a strong side. "They will have a good team next year. They will do well. They have got England players and they are capable of doing good things. They have got good defenders and everyone is good on the ball. Hopefully they'll all go on and do well."
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Nouble ready for Monday
WHUFC.com
Frank Nouble is planning to fire Swindon Town to promotion via the League One play-offs
15.05.2010
Frank Nouble is planning to put on a show in front of a national TV audience as Swindon Town prepare to tackle Charlton Athletic in the League One play-offs. West Ham United's England Under-19 forward has played his part in helping the Robins to secure a fifth-place finish in League One, setting up a mouth-watering semi-final with the Addicks. Swindon won the first leg with a 2-1 win at the County Ground on Friday night before Danny Wilson's side make the trip to south London for the return on Monday evening. Nouble was an unused substitute in the first encounter but is ready for action next time around, should he be required. "It's been a good experience for me so far and we have two big games coming up against Charlton," confirmed Nouble, who has made eight appearances for Swindon since moving to the club in mid-March. Nouble has found his opportunities limited by the form of strikers Charlie Austin and Billy Paynter, who have scored 45 league goals between them. The 18-year-old is eager to make his mark when his chance arrives.
"I hope to be involved, and if I am, I hope to be involved in the moment that wins the game for us. "Charlie and Billy have both done well all season, so I have no complaints about not starting more games. Instead, it has been good for me to be able to learn, day-in day-out, from two strikers who are in great form. "I have come to Swindon for the experience and it has been a good one so far. We play some good football. The gaffer encourages us to get the ball down and play and it's worked well."
Nouble also spent a month on loan at West Bromwich Albion earlier this year, starting three times to help the Baggies along the road to promotion from the Championship.
"It would not look bad on my CV to have been involved in two clubs who have been promoted, that's for sure. However, we all know there is a lot of work to do here before we can celebrate going up."
Should Swindon overcome Charlton - who have fellow West Ham loanee Matt Fry and former Hammers Christian Dailly and Kyel Reid in their ranks - the teenager could appear at Wembley in the play-off final on 29 May. Nouble has also been named in England's squad for the UEFA European U19 Championship Elite Round qualifiers against Republic of Ireland, Bosnia & Herzegovina and Ukraine in Kiev between 26-31 May. "It's a big month for me. We are in the play-offs and I'm also in the England squad, so I'm looking forward to doing as well as I can."
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Hammers legend Di Canio rules out immediate return
BBC.co.uk
West Ham legend Paolo Di Canio wants to manage his former club, but admits the current vacancy has come too soon. "It is my dream to go back there one day, but now it's too early," the Italian told BBC London 94.9. The 41-year-old ex-striker is working to obtain his official coaching qualifications, and says he would love a chance to manage his former team. "I still have to improve my knowledge, but maybe one day I can get that job, it would be fantastic." Di Canio, who played at the Boleyn Ground from 1999 until 2003, still considers the club and fans very close to his heart. "At the end of the season it is important that the team stayed up," he said. He also feels that Hammers fans can trust the new owners to run the club correctly. "The new chairmen [David] Gold and [David] Sullivan are trying to do their best because they are also West Ham supporters.
"So now the fans can be sure that everything they do is for the best of the team," he added. The Italian also emphasised his love for the supporters. "I hope they can do a good job, because West Ham fans are fantastic. They are still in my heart and whenever I go back there, I feel at home," he said. West Ham sacked manager Gianfranco Zola after less than two years in charge at Upton Park, following a season which saw them finish just above the relegation zone.
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KUMB Awards XIII: 09/10 Season
KUMB.com
Results Announced: Sunday, 16th May 2010
There were no less than eleven categories to vote in this year, KUMB.com's thirteenth annual poll.
KUMB.com PLAYER OF THE YEAR
1. SCOTT PARKER (97.1%)
2. JULIEN FAUBERT (0.9%)
3. ROBERT GREEN (0.8%)
Scott Parker becomes the first player to win this category twice since we started in 1997 - and he does so with an absolute landslide following an excellent season in which he stood head and shoulders above the rest of the squad. Last year the 29-year-old narrowly pipped Matthew Upson and Rob Green but this year only a handful of voters picked someone else. Julien Faubert, whose days at the club looked numbered this time last year overcame personal tragedy to put in a good season at right back whilst England World Cup front-runner Rob Green once again comes in third.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Scott Parker; 2007/08 Robert Green; 2006/07 Carlos Tevez; 2005/06 Danny Gabbidon; 2004/05 Teddy Sheringham; 2003/04 Matthew Etherington; 2002/03 Joe Cole; 2001/02 Sebastien Schemmel; 2000/01 Stuart Pearce; 1999/2000 Paolo Di Canio; 1998/99 Steve Lomas; 1997/98 John Hartson.
YOUNG PLAYER OF THE YEAR
1. ZAVON HINES (31%)
2. JAMES TOMKINS (21.2%)
3. JACK COLLISON (16%)
It was a case of what could have been for this year's deserving winner Zavon Hines. Having showed signs of his undoubted ability during the pre-season tour of China the England under-21 hit the back pages following a stunning display against Liverpool in which he humiliated England new boy Jamie Carragher, before proving match-winner against Aston Villa. Then disaster struck; an injury sustained against Man Utd at the end of 2009 led to him missing the rest of the season through injury. Here's hoping he'll be back early next season. James Tomkins, despite some inconsistent end-of-season outings gets the nod as runner-up for his overall contribution this term, whilst Jack Collison - last years' winner and another still on the injury list - wraps up third, narrowly pipping Junior Stanislas and Fabio Daprela.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Jack Collison; 2007/08 Mark Noble; 2006/07 Mark Noble; 2005/06 Nigel Reo-Coker; 2004/05 Mark Noble; 2003/04 Chris Cohen; 2002/03 Glenn Johnson; 2001/02 Jermain Defoe; 2000/01 Michael Carrick; 1999/2000 Michael Carrick; 1998/99 Rio Ferdinand/Frank Lampard; 1997/98 Rio Ferdinand.
GOAL OF THE SEASON
1. SCOTT PARKER V WIGAN, 24th April (46.2%)
2. CARLTON COLE V TOTTENHAM, 23rd August (16.6%)
3. ILAN V EVERTON, 4th April (15.8%)
Poor old Wigan. Last year Carlton Cole's perfect team goal at the DW won this category and this year it's Scott Parker's aforementioned-effort against the Latics at the Boleyn. Picking up the ball inside the Wigan half, Parker set off towards the opposition goal before unleashing an unstoppable drive from some 25 yards. It was quite important too, as previously noted. Carlton Cole's absolute belter against Tottenham narrowly pips Ilan's flying header at Goodison into third. For the record, Scott Parker's goal at Stamford Bridge - which was named GotS by the club - came fourth.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Carlton Cole v Wigan (a); 2007/08 Dean Ashton v Man Utd (a); 2006/07 Mark Noble v Bolton (h); 2005/06 Anton Ferdinand v Fulham (h); 2004/05 Bobby Zamora v Ipswich (a); 2003/04 Jon Harley v Sheffield Utd (a); 2002/03 Paolo Di Canio v Chelsea (h); 2001/02 Trevor Sinclair v Derby (h); 2000/01 Paolo Di Canio v Manchester United (a); 1999/2000 Paolo Di Canio v Wimbledon (h); 1998/99 Stan Lazaridis v Newcastle (a);1997/98 John Hartson v Aston Villa (h).
BEST SIGNING
1. ALESSANDRO DIAMANTI (38.9%)
2. GUILLERMO FRANCO (25%)
3. ILAN (15.8%)
He enthralled and enfuriated in equal measure but you voted Alessandro Diamanti as your best signing of the season by some distance (making the number 32 something of a lucky omen following Carlos Tevez's win in this category three years ago). In second, The General showed that not all over-30s are just out for a last payday with a great season which will hopefully end with an equally positive experience in South Africa this summer. Completing our three for 09/10 is January signing Ilan, whose vital goals in the final weeks of the season were duly recognised.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Valon Behrami; 2007/08 Scott Parker; 2006/07 Carlos Tevez; 2005/06 Yossi Benayoun; 2004/05 Teddy Sheringham; 2003/04 Matthew Etherington; 2002/03 Rufus Brevett; 2001/02 Sebastien Schemmel; 2000/01 Frederic Kanoute; 1999/2000 Igor Stimac; 1998/99 Trevor Sinclair; 1997/98 Eyal Berkovic.
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER
1. JULIEN FAUBERT (64.2%)
2. MANUEL DA COSTA (6.8%)
3. CARLTON COLE (4.7%)
When the formerly flying Frenchman was spotted snoozing on the bench at Real Madrid this time last year few would have predicted that he would ever win his place in West Ham's first team squad back; indeed, his days at the club looked numbered. But having fought back against his critics - and having won over the Boleyn crowd, with whom he developed a greater affinity following the sad death of his mother - Faubert went on to enjoy a solid season at right back whilst adding an occasionally potent attacking threat. Some way behind was Gianfranco Zola's penultimate signing, Manuel Da Costa, who ended the season well after a few shaky early performances whilst last year's winner Carlton Cole (who technically should be some kind of 'super-player' by now) completes the trio.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Carlton Cole; 2007/08 George McCartney; 2006/07 James Collins; 2005/06 Marlon Harewood; 2004/05 Anton Ferdinand; 2003/04 Stephen Bywater; 2002/03 Glen Johnson; 2001/02 Christian Dailly; 2000/01 Michael Carrick; 1999/2000 Marc-Vivien Foe; 1998/99 Frank Lampard; 1997/98 Frank Lampard.
MOST MEMORABLE MATCH
1. WEST HAM UTD 3 WIGAN 2, 24th April (35.4%)
2. WEST HAM UTD 3 MILLWALL 1, 25th September (20.9%)
3. EVERTON 2 WEST HAM UTD 2, 4th April (12.8%)
The emotion bottled up by a season fraught with worry was released, en-masse, the moment super Scotty Parker smashed home the 75th-minute goal that would ensure our Premier League survival. Any other season but this and the eventful return of the Old Foe and the repercussions of that night may have gathered more votes, whilst the equally-important point at Everton - which kick-started our late revival - gathered enough votes to sneak third.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Portsmouth 4-1 (a); 2007/08 Man Utd 2-1 (h); 2006/07 Man Utd 1-0 (a) 14/05/07; 2005/06 Liverpool/FA Cup Final (n) 13/05/06; 2004/05 Ipswich 2-0 (a) 18/05/06; 2003/04 Ipswich 2-0 (h); 2002/03 Chelsea 1-0 (h); 2001/02 Man Utd 1-0 (a); 2000/01 Man Utd 1-0 (a); 1999/2000 Arsenal 2-1 (h); 1998/99 Palace 4-1 (h)/Barnsley 6-0 (h); 1997/98 Tottenham 4-3 (h).
WORST PLAYER OF THE SEASON
1. JONATHAN SPECTOR (32.8%)
2. MIDO (25.1%)
3. KIERON DYER (9.6%)
Thrust into unfamiliar territory at left back - having played his entire career on the other side - this years' clear winner, Jon Spector, became the latest target of the boo-boys as the season dragged on. Whether his performances were hindered by his poor standing amongst the fans is open for debate but it became clear that he was becoming further unsettled by continuing to play out of position. His reward was to end the season on the bench. Mido made big noises about getting back to his best and only being paid £1,000 a week - ever get the feeling you've been cheated? Dyer, in third, should perhaps have been made exempt on the basis that you had to actually 'play' to feature in this category.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Diego Tristan; 2007/08 Luis Boa Morte; 2006/07 Nigel Quashie; 2005/06 No award; 2004/05 Don Hutchison; 2003/04 Wayne Quinn; 2002/03 Gary Breen; 2001/02 Titi Camara; 2000/01 Titi Camara; 1999/2000 Neil Ruddock; 1998/99 Iain Dowie/Andy Impey; 1997/98 Iain Dowie.
WORST SIGNING OF THE SEASON
1. BENNI McCARTHY (46.6%)
2. MIDO (28.2%)
3. LUIS JIMENEZ (20.6%)
McCarthy, we were told, was hungry for success at West Ham. You can insert your own punchline right there. No goals, not a single 90-minute performance and a waistline Mido would be proud of. Speaking of which... your runner-up in the Worst Player category also takes silver here for an equally astounding lack of effort. Scott Duxbury said Franco Zola wanted to build a team around third-placed Jimenez, which was just as well as the Chilean contributed the grand sum of naff all before we sent him packing halfway through his season-long loan spell.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Diego Tristan; 2007/08 Henri Camara; 2006/07 Matthew Upson; 2005/06 No award; 2004/05 Mauricio Tarrico; 2003/04 Wayne Quinn; 2002/03 Gary Breen; 2001/02 Ragnvald Soma; 2000/01 Titi Camara; 1999/2000 Sasa Ilic; 1998/99 Andy Impey; 1997/98 Ian Pearce.
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
1. DEAN ASHTON'S RETIREMENT (33.4%)
2. BEING INVOLVED IN A SEASON-LONG RELEGATION SCRAP (26.3%)
3. THE BOARD'S TREATMENT OF GIANFRANCO ZOLA (12%)
Although we all knew it was coming, the final confirmation of Dean Ashton's premature retirement from professional football due to a persistent ankle problem was a real choker - not just for what he gave to and promised West Ham, but also to England whose attack he may well have been spearheading in South Africa this summer. Good luck, Deano. The stress of a grubby season-long affair with the Premier League's relegation zone was too much for around a quarter of voters, whilst the recent sacking of Gianfranco Zola - and the circumstances surrounding it - rankled sufficiently to grab third spot.
Previous Winners
2008/09 The Lord Griffiths ruling in favour of Sheffield Utd; 2007/08 The injury situation; 2006/07 Failing to build on the previous season's success; 2005/06 The FA Cup Final; 2004/05 Booing players; 2003/04 Millwall away; 2002/03 Relegation; 2001/02 Chelsea FA Cup defeat; 2000/01 Spurs FA Cup defeat; 1999/2000 Mannygate.
MOST MISSED
1. DEAN ASHTON (45.7%)
2. JAMES COLLINS (38.8%)
3. LUCAS NEILL (13%)
There were three outstanding candidates for our newest category and Dean Ashton, whose contributions have been sadly missed in the last 18 months just about pipped James Collins, sold to Aston Villa on the final day of last summer's transfer window to the number one spot. Despite Julien Faubert's decent season at right back Lucas Neill was also missed by many, perhaps as much for his role as a leader as for his actual footballing ability.
Previous Winners
None.
HACKETT OF THE YEAR
1. EIDUR GUDJOHNSEN (19.1%)
2. JOHN TERRY (18.7%)
3. HARRY REDKNAPP (16.6%)
The Icelandic striker wins the dubious honour of becoming the first player to win the Keith Hackett memorial award thanks to having a week in London at West Ham's expense back in January before legging it up the road and signing for Tottenham. As if the cod thieves hadn't given us enough grief already. Moving on, an appearance at Tony Carr's testimonial in West Ham colours failed to change the mind of those undisposed to the Chelsea captain whilst that old rogue, good old 'Arry, continued to make friends and impress people by joining Tottenham.
Previous Winners
2008/09 Lord Griffiths; 2007/08 Kevin McCabe; 2006/07 Dave Whelan (Wigan).
That's that for another year; thank you once again to all of our readers who voted in this year's poll and for your continued support of KUMB.com.
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Friendly date confirmed
KUMB.com
Filed: Friday, 14th May 2010
By: Staff Writer
West Ham United will face Ipswich Town at Portman Road on Saturday, 31st July. The friendly is the second of West Ham's pre-season matches to be confirmed, following on from the news that MK Dons will host a Hammers XI three days prior to the Ipswich clash. Ipswich Chief Executive, Simon Clegg, confirmed the fixture via itfc.co.uk this morning. "As part of our pre-season schedule Roy [Keane] wanted a high profile friendly against top opposition at home and we've got that with West Ham coming to Portman Road," he said. "It's not too far for their supporters to travel and with the Championship season starting a week later, it should be a good atmosphere for what I'm sure will be an exciting and competitive match."
Fans wishing to attend the game will be pleased to know that United have already been allocated 4,000 tickets for the game in the Cobbold Stand. Ipswich recovered from a poor start to finish 15th in the Championship last season.
West Ham v Ipswich: last five meetings
August 2008: (Friendly) Ipswich 3 West Ham Utd 5 (Ashton 3, Bellamy, Noble)
May 2005: (Championship play-off) Ipswich 0 West Ham Utd 2 (Zamora 2)
May 2005: (Championship play-off) West Ham Utd 2 (Harewood, Zamora) Ipswich 2
January 2005: (Championship) Ipswich 0 West Ham Utd 2 (Harewood, Etherington)
August 2004: (Championship) West Ham Utd 1 Ipswich 1 (Mackay)
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Pompey on Grant situation
KUMB.com
Filed: Saturday, 15th May 2010
By: Staff Writer
Portsmouth administrator Andrew Andronikou says he wants manager Avram Grant to remain at Fratton Park - but believes he is set to leave following this afternoon's FA Cup Final. Portsmouth take on Chelsea in the FA Cup final today after which Grant is expected to confirm his departure, with West Ham believed by many to be his next destination. Andronikou - who was appointed when the south coast club entered administration - would like to retain the services of the popular Israeli, and believes that a deal could yet be done. At least, that is what he is saying publicly. "Avram has no break clause in his three-year contract, nor is there any fixed compensation. But clearly we would be seeking compensation if he left us," Andronikou told the Express. "As yet, we have had no approach from West Ham, at least there has been no direct contact - and nor would we welcome any. "After the cup final, we shall sit down and try to persuade him to stay and for the moment he is in discussions with us. Avram wants to know about the club's future financial security and he wants as much security as he can. I am confident we can show him future stability and that will persuade him to stay."
However a conflicting report suggets that a meeting between Grant and West Ham co-owners David Gold and David Sullivan has already been arranged for early next week, with the deal to make Grant West Ham's 13th full-time manager already at an advanced stage. Gianfranco Zola was sacked last week after less than two years in charge at the Boleyn.
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Green a happy Hammer
West Ham ace happy staying at Upton Park
Last updated: 13th May 2010
SSN
England international Robert Green insists he is happy at West Ham after being linked with a move to Arsenal. The Gunners are thought to be weighing up a £6million move for the nine-cap England ace. However, the ex-Norwich City shot-stopper maintains he is in no rush to leave and is happy staying at Upton Park. Green is anxious to avoid another season of struggle and is backing joint-owner David Gold and David Sullivan to get things right off the pitch. West Ham are on the lookout for a new manager following Gianfranco Zola's sacking although Green is simply focusing on doing his best for the club rather than other issues. "I have always stated that I am a happy Hammer," he told the Romford Recorder. "I want to be here and not fighting relegation. "Realistically that's something that's out of my hands and they (the owners) can say as much as they want to say about it. "I am sure the two chairmen will take their chance now to decide where they want to take the club and who that might involve. "There has been a lot of talk and a lot of speculation and I am sure come the start of pre-season, things will be a lot clearer, but that is down to them. "For me, my job is playing in goal and that is what I focus on. I am a bit too old and long in the tooth to get too focused on things that are out of my control. "I just sit there and accept what comes along, focus on the 90 minutes every week when it comes along. That is my job and that is what I will carry on doing."
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Praise Grant-ed
Bilic also a contender for Hammers hotseat
Last updated: 16th May 2010
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Following Portsmouth's gritty showing in the FA Cup final, the Sunday Supplement panel paid tribute to Avram Grant - and discussed his possible switch to West Ham. Debt-ridden Pompey battled admirably against Chelsea on Saturday before eventually succumbing 1-0 thanks to a Didier Drogba free-kick. The relegated outfit almost took a shock lead at Wembley, but Kevin-Prince Boateng missed from the penalty spot. And the Sunday Supplement's esteemed posse of journalists have praised Grant for keeping Pompey's spirits up. "He seems to have handled this situation at Portsmouth pretty well," said The Times' Patrick Barclay. "They've got a pretty good squad and probably would have stayed in the Premier League if not for the points deduction and in a way all the pressure was released. "He just had to persuade them that the better they play, the better job they'll get next season - the more chance they will have of staying in a Premier League with someone else. He's handled what has actually been a fairly simple job very well."
The News of the World's Neil Ashton was also quick to commend Grant, who is the odds-on favourite to succeed Gianfranco Zola at West Ham, but says he believes there is a better candidate than the Israeli to fill the Upton Park hotseat. "He certainly won't be staying at Portsmouth," said Ashton, "He has acted in a very dignified way. "His speech on the final day of the season at Fratton Park will go down in history on the south coast and his managerial stock has risen. As he'll remind us endlessly, he took Chelsea to the Champions League final, just a penalty kick away." "He is a sought-after manager now and he has done exceptionally well to take Portsmouth to an FA Cup final and it could have been so different had (Kevin-Prince) Boateng scored that penalty yesterday and perhaps they'd have been on for the this fantastic upset.
"West Ham manager? Personally I'd go for (Slaven) Bilic. He would be my man. He turned the job down a couple of years ago just before (Gianfranco) Zola took it. He is West Ham character, he's well known, he'll be backed by West Ham supporters. The important thing for the next West Ham manager to know is how much money there is to spend and what kind of squad he'll be working with next season, and are the players going to be his choice."
Paul Hayward of The Observer, however, thinks that any manager will find it tough working under Hammers chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan. "I'd defend Zola's record on the basis that he was in an impossible situation - a club on the verge of meltdown and owners undermining him the whole time. I don't think it's possible to work very well in those circumstances. I still think Zola is a good coach and a good manager, I'd rather cheer his team on than the team of Gold and Sullivan. "And Avram Grant has a problem now, he's got to stop the politicking behind the scenes. He's got to say; "Go away, leave this to me, I run the team," Do you think they'll do that? I don't," he added.
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Green hails Capello approach
Hammers goalie fully behind Italian's regime
Last updated: 16th May 2010
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West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green has hailed England boss Fabio Capello's regime ahead of the World Cup in South Africa this summer. The 30-year-old has become a regular in a Three Lions shirt since Capello's appointment in 2008 after spending a frustrating five years involved with England but seeing little action on the pitch. And Green, who has played eight times for England under Capello, starting five consecutive matches, believes the Italian manager's no-nonsense approach has helped turn the national squad around.
"Everybody's in the same position and, if you do something wrong, you will get told no matter who you are," Green told The Telegraph. "That's something else that is new. It is a real leveller. In previous squads there were people who, for want of a better word, were untouchable. "Now everyone is treated the same and if you train well you will play. It sounds basic but it's the implementation of it that makes the difference. "He doesn't just talk about it, he does it. You know where you are. Very clear, very well-defined and you are in no doubt about it. As I say, you will get told. "You are expected to behave in a certain manner, come across in a certain manner and all of a sudden you feel yourself doing it without having to think about it."
Green, who has been selected as one of three goalkeepers in the provisional 30-man England World Cup squad along with David James and Joe Hart, believes the meticulous nature of Capello's regime has a motivational effect on the whole side. "When you have that level of detail it makes you think 'perhaps I should be doing even more myself' and you push yourself to another level," he added. The goalkeeper, who will travel to Austria on Monday for England's pre-World Cup training camp, believes Capello's arrival brought some much needed relief to the national squad following their failure to qualify for Euro 2008.
"It was similar to getting beaten 10-0 and then coming in on the Monday and the manager saying 'this is how we are doing it now'. You will have absolutely no comeback," said Green. "You can't exactly say 'it worked for us before, why are we changing it' because it didn't work. And therefore we are changing it. "He could say 'this is what we are doing, this is the recipe for success'. He's a very strong person and a strong personality and that comes across in the manner of his coaching, the way he speaks to us and the way he deals with you [media] guys."
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Parker eyes Hammer stay
West Ham eager to avoid another season of struggle
Last updated: 16th May 2010
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Scott Parker has confirmed he wants to stay at West Ham but has warned the club's hierarchy he will not endure another miserable season. The Hammers were in real danger of the drop for much of the campaign and only finished with 35 points, five clear of third from bottom Burnley. Parker is tied to the Upton Park side until the summer of 2013 and has assured fans of his commitment by stating he is not looking to leave. However, the ex-Newcastle and Chelsea midfielder insists the club need to get things right on the pitch.
Parker is enthused by the prospect of David Gold and David Sullivan strengthening the squad and hopes there are new arrivals this summer. "I want to stay here, but that is out of my hands," he told The People. "I have had a great season and the fans really appreciate me, but at the same time I want to see the club going in the right way. "I certainly don't want to be involved in another season like this. I think stability is the key factor and the club needs massive investment. "Hopefully the new owners will do what they have to do, strengthen the squad and we can move forward. "It is encouraging that they want to bring in so many new players and hopefully they can do that."
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Pompey seek Grant compensation
Pompey administrator says club would seek reimbursement
Last updated: 13th May 2010
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West Ham would have to pay Portsmouth compensation should they swoop for manager Avram Grant, according to administrator Andrew Andronikou. The Hammers are believed to be eyeing up the Pompey boss to replace Gianfranco Zola, who they sacked on Monday after 18 months in charge. Grant is contracted to the Fratton Park club until 2012 but questions have been raised over the validity of the deal given Portsmouth's insecure financial situation. That means if United owners David Sullivan and David Gold try to lure the Israeli to Upton Park then compensation payments to end his deal could be waivered. Andronikou insists that would not be the case, though - saying he would look to return as much money as possible on any move for the club's manager. He told the Portsmouth News: "It is like any compensation claim - he has three years left so we would try to hang out for as much as possible."
Grant has guided the troubled South Coast outfit to the FA Cup final amidst incredible circumstances. His team were docked nine points for entering administration - effectively relegating them to the Championship - before an injury crisis nearly left the 55-year-old without enough to players to field a team. Pompey take on Chelsea at Wembley on Saturday looking to claim the trophy they won in 2008 while Grant's future remains uncertain after demanding assurances of stability before leading the team in the second tier.
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West Ham review
Last updated: 13th May 2010
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WEST HAM
What Went Right?
Well, they survived. Though surviving with less than a point a game is not really what Gianfranco Zola had in mind when the season kicked off in August. And they survive with new owners who have a) a passion for the club and b) a history of doing the right things to put a football club on a fine financial footing. Carlton Cole had a tremendous run which briefly made him a £10m player, while the January signing of the previously-unknown Ilan became a masterstroke when his four goals helped keep them in the top flight. Scott Parker's influence and attitude made him a hero in the East End and far beyond.
What Went Wrong?
They simply underperformed. Time and time again. Look at their squad and compare it with the likes of Wolves and the Hammers should be nowhere near relegation. Cole went off the boil, Matthew Upson crumbled at key moments, Benni McCarthy was an expensive flop, Mido was an inexpensive flop. The manager might have the backing of the fans but the board are clearly unconvinced by football's nicest man - hence his recent sacking.
Are They Happy?
No. The report card will read 'really should do better'.
Signing of the season
Alessandro Diamanti. The capture of the Italian from Livorno proved a decent one. He emerged as a fans' favourite such has been his wearing-his-heart-on-his-sleeve mentality while there have of course been comparisons with Paolo Di Canio. A return of seven league goals is not bad either.
Flop of the season
Benni McCarthy. Around £2.5million spent on a player that started just two league games since joining from Blackburn in January. He failed to hit the back of the net and also failed to win over the fans.
Star man
Scott Parker. The same can not be said for Parker, whose commitment on the field inspired onlookers. In a team of strugglers, Parker's consistency shone with his box-to-box displays. How fitting that it was his long-range strike which pretty much sealed the Hammers' safety.
Breakthrough player
Ilan. Unlike the captures of Mido and McCarthy, Ilan was a success. He bagged some crucial goals for the Hammers, netting four times in 11 league appearances. It does, however, seem unlikely that he will be staying at the club.
High point
Surviving. It was all a sense of relief when top-flight football was assured for another season. A rousing fightback against Arsenal pleased the home faithful while they also held fellow London neighbours Chelsea.
Low point
The season overall, really. Despite boasting an on-paper decent core of players, the team struggled desperately. With Zola now gone, the owners face a huge call over who to bring in.
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Hammers land Lyon's Govou
The Sun
WEST HAM are set to snap up France star Sidney Govou on a free from Lyon. Birmingham and Sunderland were also interested in the 30-year-old winger. But the managerless Hammers expect to seal a deal for him this week. Govou helped Lyon win SEVEN league titles after rising up through the club's youth system. Ligue One rivals Paris St Germain tried to persuade him to remain in France. But the player insists he wants to test himself in the Premier League before he hangs up his boots.
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Pompey want £1.8 for Grant
The Sun
By MARK IRWIN
Published: 14 May 2010
PORTSMOUTH will demand £1.8million compensation if Avram Grant becomes the new West Ham manager. But Grant insists he is free to walk away from Fratton Park after tomorrow's FA Cup final because the terms of his contract have been repeatedly broken. The Israeli signed a £900,000-a-year contract when he became Portsmouth boss last November, but he has not been paid his £18,000 weekly wage on a number of occasions. Pompey administrator Andrew Andronikou, said: "Avram has two years left on his contract so we should try to hang out for as much as possible."
But Grant, 55, insisted: "I signed a contract to 2012 but since the club went into administration I am told it is no longer valid. "They have paid me part of my money but not everything. It is not just one more broken promise by the club. "But I am not thinking too much about my financial situation right now or I would be very angry."
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Carlton Cole battle hots up as Liverpool and Villa join race for striker - Exclusive
Published 23:00 16/05/10 By Darren Lewis
The Mirror
Liverpool and Aston Villa have joined the race for Carlton Cole after it emerged last night that West Ham rejected a £10million bid for the striker. The offer has come from Birmingham who are desperate to prise the England frontman away from Upton Park. Birmingham boss Alex McLeish has spoken directly to Hammers chief executive Karren Brady about a deal made up of £8million cash with £2million in bonuses. The offer was rejected out of hand by Brady, whom City believe is trying to spark an auction for the player. The dismissal of Birmingham's bid is all the more surprising given the fact that Cole remains one of the players West Ham insist they are willing to sell. Indeed, co-owners David Gold and David Sullivan are understood to have been in touch with a string of agents in an attempt to get the best possible deal for the player. Villa boss Martin O'Neill has been a big fan of Cole for some time and, in the last week, the club have contacted West Ham about putting together a deal. Liverpool too have expressed an interest and remain keen despite the fact that Cole has been left out of Fabio Capello's England squad for the World Cup. Cole, 26, began his career with Chelsea in 2001. A highly-rated youngster, he was sent out on loan to Wolves, Villa and Charlton before joining West Ham permanently in 2006.
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Benni McCarthy facing hefty West Ham fine if he fails to lose weight
Published 22:45 15/05/10 By Paul Smith Exclusive
The Mirror
West Ham are ready to take severe sanctions against fat boy Benni McCarthy. The portly striker is preparing for the World Cup with host nation South Africa. But if he returns to Upton Park carrying excess pounds the club will take disciplinary action. Co-owners David Sullivan and David Gold are fuming with the 32-year-old striker and intend to impose the maximum possible fine on him if he fails to address his weight problem. McCarthy piled on the pounds and played just two-and-half games for the Hammers following his £2million move from Blackburn Rovers in January. McCarthy failed to find the net as the Hammers battled for Premier League survival. An Upton Park insider has revealed McCarthy's body mass index (BMI) hit 24.2, a high level for an outfield player. The West Ham source said: "McCarthy will be in deep trouble if he comes back to the club in the state he left. "While Gianfranco Zola was here he took advantage of the situation. But David Sullivan and David Gold will intervene now the Italian has left. "It is estimated that it has cost West Ham a total of £8.5million to sign McCarthy including the transfer fee to Blackburn and his wages."
McCarthy is on £50,000 a week including image rights. Sullivan, in particular, is unhappy after it was claimed that he was personally responsible for signing McCarthy. Both Sullivan and Gold questioned the purchase of a striker whose fitness had been questioned by Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce. But Zola, the West Ham boss at the time, claimed it was vital for the club to sign McCarthy. Zola believed McCarthy would deliver the goals to ensure West Ham stayed up. Blackburn boss Allardyce slammed McCarthy in the countdown to his Ewood Park exit. The player was fined twice for failing to meet weight targets. Allardyce ordered McCarthy to report at 7am for extra training sessions. McCarthy refused and that proved to be the breaking point for the South African international. McCarthy said at the time: "That's the last straw. Enough is enough. I feel I've been stepped on too much and it's best that I go."
Sullivan and Gold refused to intervene when it became clear that McCarthy's weight was a problem. They did not interfere even when it became clear McCarthy's weight had become an issue. They urged the backroom staff to put him on a diet and impose club fines if he failed to meet the targets. McCarthy was unavailable for comment.
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West Ham launch bid for Birmingham reject Benitez
Published 23:00 14/05/10 By James Nursey Exclusive
The Mirror
West Ham owner David Sullivan has moved to snap up Christian Benitez after he was shown the door by Birmingham. Sullivan brokered Ecuador striker Benitez's season-long loan to St Andrews last summer when he was in charge at City. But Blues have opted not to sign the 24-year-old for a pre-agreed £6.5m – as predicted by Mirrorsport on April 24. Benitez has only scored four goals this term and Brum boss Alex McLeish wants Bobby Zamora or Carlton Cole instead. That's opened the door for Sullivan to contact Benitez's club Santos Laguna.
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Reo-Coker warns he will only quit Villa on his terms - Exclusive
Published 23:00 13/05/10 By James Nursey
The Mirror
Nigel Reo-Coker has warned Aston Villa he will choose his next club - not Martin O'Neill. Villa are looking to sell several fringe stars like Reo-Coker, who will be 26 today, to raise funds for new signings. Blackburn and Stoke have already expressed an interest in the former West Ham dynamo, who had a huge bust-up with Villa boss O'Neill last September.
But Londoner Reo-Coker would prefer a move to a more ambitious club based down south. He has only 12 months left on his Villa contract after a £7.5million switch from West Ham in July 2007. And he is willing to sit out the rest of his contract and leave on a Bosman rather than just moving to earn Villa cash. Fellow outcasts Steve Sidwell and Nicky Shorey also both have only a year left on their contracts and that is sure to affect their price tags. Shorey can join Fulham for a pre-agreed fee of around £2m after he went there on loan. Fulham have also enquired about Sidwell, while defender Curtis Davie is wanted by promoted Newcastle. West Ham are interested in Luke Young, who is also set to leave Villa Park.
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Send for Sir Trevor, as Parker Issues a Warning!
West Ham Till I Die
What a mess up! One day we have the FA delivering the 2018 bid to FIFA , whilst emphasising England's willingness to listen and that nothing is being taken for granted! The next, a public relations own goal of enormous proportions and the 2018 bid holed below the water line!
The business case for England staging the tournament in 2018 is powerful at all levels. Indeed, until we shot ourselves in the foot, our detractors in other national associations would probably have found it difficult to deny the case for England 2018. Now, of course those nations have been handed an excuse 'on a plate' to reject our bid. In to the bargain, we have also handed Russia, our main competitor, a massive stick to beat us with! Crazy.
The Chair of the 2018 Organising Committee and the FA, Lord Triesman, has resigned and there is a desperate damage limitation exercise under way with FIFA. Both the FA and the 2018 bid now need someone of exceptional talent to fill the vacuum. Preferably, a respected ex-player, a la Platini, a person of vision and intelligence, a diplomat and first class administrator. Step forward Sir Trevor Brooking, as the new Chair of the FA!
Sir Trevor can give the FA the gravitas and dynamism that is missing. He can also help smooth things with FIFA on the 2018 front and command the respect of the Premier League. Sir Trevor will probably not be considered, its more likely to be a dud political appointment that serves only to reinforce the status quo and the characteristic ineptitude of the FA. But he is certainly my alternative nominee. Who knows, as FA Chair he might even manage to clear a path for the vital changes to the game at youth level that he has, in recent years, been fruitlessly championing as the FA Head of Youth Development?
Elsewhere, Scott Parker has put a timely shot across West Ham's bow, by stating that he wants to stay, but expects to see the club retaining its best players and investing to strengthen the squad. Well, when you have just had the truly outstanding season that Parker has, why not chance your arm? Especially after the club's co-chairs have lauded him as 'Mr West Ham' and indicated that he is the only indispensable player in the current squad, without a price tag!
Well done for speaking out Scott! In making this statement he is speaking for all those long suffering Hammers fans who now fear a self-destructive summer sale of key players and their replacement by cheaper, inferior alternatives. Yes, the squad needs a major restructure, but we must retain our best players and build upon the strengths of the current Hammers squad.
It will be interesting to see who the club appoint to replace Zola and the nature of the transfer business that they transact this summer. No doubt many supporters, in common purpose with Scott Parker, are awaiting positive signs to emerge.
We can but await further developments.
SJ. Chandos.
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'Sacker' Karren Brady would never sugar the pill for Gianfranco Zola
The West Ham manager's dismissal would not have been a surprise to any (appalled) viewer of Junior Apprentice
Martin Kelner The Guardian, Monday 17 May 2010
Karren Brady – what is she like? One day she is sacking the West Ham United manager, Gianfranco Zola, the next she is on the BBC's Junior Apprentice with Alan Sugar, assessing "Britain's brightest and youngest business minds". Gawd help us.
According to Wikipedia – and I accept that is not the most promising start to a sentence – Brady impressed her boss, David Sullivan, because she was "a sacker". True to her reputation, she had the much loved but unrealistically remunerated Italian out of the Upton Park door in 10 minutes, with m'learned friends standing by, licking their lips over the afters. "Sackers" like Brady – who in truth does not do a lot on Junior Apprentice but presumably got the gig for her experience of working with self-made men of vaguely scrotal appearance – are clearly going to be in increasingly high demand in these straitened times.
This may be why Jordan De Courcy, one of the contestants, chose to launch his campaign in the following charming manner: "I'm ruthless. If somebody is there that I don't need in my company, they're gone. It's as simple as that." Jordan is 16. I realise these programmes are heavily – and, yes, ruthlessly – edited so that some participants appear even more hideously and hilariously self‑aggrandising than they already are, but really, when 16- and 17‑year‑olds are going around saying things like "I don't want to be like my mum" – hello, mum – "I'm going to make sure I achieve my goals, no matter what life throws at me", and "I'm not a business boy, I'm a business man", they only have themselves to blame.
At that age, kids are not supposed to be boasting about their business expertise. They are supposed to be hanging around outside chip shops, the boys telling wildly exaggerated stories about their sexual exploits and begging the one kid who has a motorbike to let them have a go. And the girls … well, frankly I have no idea. But just mooching about pointlessly did seem to be a necessary stage we all went through. ("But weren't those the Swinging Sixties?" my kids always say, and I have to explain that the Swinging Sixties did not turn up in Manchester till about 1973. Antonioni was not shooting movies in Cheetham Hill.)
Maybe if Zola had seen Brady with some of these ruthless go-getters on Junior Apprentice, he might not have expected Sullivan and David Gold, West Ham's co-owners, to have a conversation with him, which is what he anticipated in his last press conference of the season. The property and porn barons did not even turn up for the meeting, leaving their "sacker" to do the deed.
That, I'm afraid, is how it works. I once did an interview with a "consultant" whose job was to "sort out" reportedly inefficient Health Service Trusts. She told me the element of surprise was key in the sacking scenario. Wrong‑foot the sackee by calling him or her in for a "quick meeting" midway through a Monday morning, when they least expect it, and hey presto.
It is typically sweet of Zola to have expected otherwise. If he is looking for solace – along with compensation, obviously – he might be comforted to learn that when his sacker was on Desert Island Discs she chose Last Christmas by Wham! and Abba's Dancing Queen among the discs she wished to spend the rest of her life with. So if she ever gets marooned, that will teach her. He may also take comfort from the triumph of his old team in an FA Cup final that was far more entertaining than most of us expected.
Having endured Chelsea's prolonged, orgasmic celebrations at Stamford Bridge after their Premier League success the previous Sunday, one's appetite for more Chelsea triumphalism was limited. The Cup final felt more like a post‑coital cigarette than the climax to the season. In the event it was a very watchable game of football and ITV's coverage was pitched about right.
It is pointless to pretend the Cup final means anything like it used to, so the pre-match malarkey was kept fairly tight, the highlight being a short film following Avram Grant back to Israel and to his grandparents' graves in Russia. The piece featured the estimable Mrs Tzofit Grant's appearance on Israeli TV, drinking her own urine. The presenter, Matt Smith, offered the opinion that Mr and Mrs Grant would be popular figures at any Premier League club. "As long as they don't put her in charge of the half‑time drinks," said Andy Townsend, which might have been Joke of the Week were it not for the Junior Apprentice show, during which you would need to have a heart of stone not to be in constant paroxysms of mirth.
The contestants I particularly like are Rhys Rosser and Tim Ankers, not just for the possibilities they provide in terms of rhyming slang. I like Rhys because he looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine and was savvy enough to note that Instinct, the name chosen for the boys' team, sounded like a deodorant, and Tim because he said he could not cut up cheese on his market stall because it was too windy. That is the kind of attitude teenagers should have. I should not laugh too much, though. They will probably be running West Ham in a couple of years' time.
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West Ham may turn to Everton striker Yakubu if Carlton Cole signs off at Upton Park
By Sportsmail Reporter
Last updated at 1:25 AM on 17th May 2010
Daily Mail
West Ham are considering a move for Everton's Nigeria striker Yakubu. The Upton Park side, who are expected to name Avram Grant as manager this week, are bracing themselves for bids from Fulham, Birmingham and Aston Villa for striker Carlton Cole and consider 27-year-old Yakubu a possible replacement. He has battled back after a bad achilles injury but Everton manager David Moyes wants to bring in fresh options up front with Manchester City's Craig Bellamy among his targets. A decent offer may tempt Everton to sell a player they bought for £11.25m in 2007. West Ham are also likely to offload Ilan, Guillermo Franco and Alessandro Diamanti but are still interested in former Birmingham striker Christian Benitez, as Sportsmail revealed. Moyes was in Turin on Saturday to watch Torino's Italy Under 21 international defender Angelo Ogbonna put on an impressive show against Vicenza. Moyes is also interested in Manchester City defender Nedum Onuoha.
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Parker demands West Ham investment
Sport.co.uk
Author: Ben Moss
Posted on:16 May 2010 - 01:40 PM
Midfielder Scott Parker will only commit his future to West Ham United should the club show ambition during the close-season. Parker is the only member of the first-team squad not up for sale following a disappointing season where they flirted with relegation before eventually finishing five points clear of the drop zone. Co-owners David Gold and David Sullivan, who arrived at the Upton Park helm in January, sacked manager Gianfranco Zola earlier in the week but want to build a new team around Parker. However, the 29-year-old midfielder insists he only wants to stay if the club are serious about improving. "I want to stay here, but that is out of my hands," the former Chelsea and Newcastle midfielder told The People. "I have had a great season and the fans really appreciate me, but at the same time I want to see the club going in the right way. "I certainly don't want to be involved in another season like this. I think stability is the key factor and the club needs massive investment. "Hopefully the new owners will do what they have to do, strengthen the squad and we can move forward. "It is encouraging that they want to bring in so many new players and hopefully they can do that."
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England World Cup squad: Robert Green delighted with Fabio Capello's approach
Robert Green was sitting after lunch with his West Ham United team-mate Matthew Upson when Fabio Capello came up to him. It was just before the England squad would set off to play Egypt at Wembley, in March.
Telegraph.co.uk
By Jason Burt
Published: 5:51PM BST 15 May 2010
"Everyone else had gone and he walked over and said 'are you ready to play?' I said 'of course'," Green recalls. "He said the same to Matthew and he said 'of course'. He nodded and replied 'you are both starting' and walked off. "It's as straightforward as that. No song and dance. It was just 'there you go, do your job'. I know it sounds simple but it gives you confidence." Scholes offers guarantees How times have changed. Green recalls, ruefully, how he spent five years involved with England "and played something like 45 minutes" prior to Capello's appointment. "You are involved in every squad, pretty much, and only to play for a few minutes then it must mean that someone is scared of giving you a game," the 30-year-old goalkeeper says pointedly. Confidence, and no fear. They have been Capello's buzzwords throughout this campaign, along with a "winning mentality". It came with the start of his reign with Green – who didn't make the first squad - sensing immediately a shift in the way the England players would be treated following the regimes of Steve McClaren and Sven-Goran Eriksson. "Everybody's in the same position and, if you do something wrong, you will get told no matter who you are," Green says of Capello's approach. "That's something else that is new. It is a real leveller. In previous squads there were people who, for want of a better word, were untouchable. "Now everyone is treated the same and if you train well you will play. It sounds basic but it's the implementation of it that makes the difference. "He doesn't just talk about it, he does it. You know where you are. Very clear, very well-defined and you are in doubt about it. As I say, you will get told. "And all of a sudden it does matter. You turn up for a meeting 10 minutes early because it does matter. The points he makes are also clear and it does build a professionalism beyond what has been expected before.
"You are expected to behave in a certain manner, come across in a certain manner and all of a sudden you feel yourself doing it without having to think about it. "That detail is infectious. I speak to Kevin Hitchcock, the goalkeeping coach at West Ham, and he says that Glenn Hoddle is the first manager he played under who went that extra mile in terms of the small details. "For example, in the days before the Premier League had a contract with one ball supplier, each club had their own balls and he [Hoddle] would say 'we are playing this team next week and they use these balls so we will train with these balls all week'. "When you have that level of detail it makes you think 'perhaps I should be doing even more myself' and you push yourself to another level."
Such desire for improvement is something that Green, who will board the plane on Monday for England's pre-World Cup training camp in Austria, selected as one of three goalkeepers with David James and Joe Hart, responds to. "I want to walk away from football, when I retire and say 'I gave that everything' and then I will do something else and give that everything because that's me, that's the way I am and I will do that," he says. "For example, I use a speed coach, one of the GB athletics coaches. It's about constant improvement. "Richard Branson, when he brought out Virgin planes looked at turnaround times. He went to see the quickest airlines and cut it down by 10 minutes and thought 'I'm sure we can do it even quicker' and he went to look at Formula One motor racing, with the pit-stop crews, and he cut it down by something ridiculous by just taking on board what they do. "So I say to myself 'I need to stay fit and need to stretch' so I go to a Pilates instructor. I've been going for nearly four years and not missed a game. These are things I organise myself. "I will be at the training ground until 7pm. I speak to the young guys now and they go home at lunchtime and I say 'what's so important in your life that you can't dedicate more to being a player?'"
Green has played eight times for England under Capello, starting five matches in a row before his unfortunate sending-off against Ukraine last autumn. But it's a match he remembers for other reasons. "I have loved every second of it [the qualifying campaign]," he says. "I felt at home in the environment, walking out and having flares thrown out at me by 31,000 people in the Ukraine. The bigger the atmosphere, the bigger the occasion, the bigger the game, the better I felt. "When we played Croatia at Wembley there were always going to be comparisons with the previous game [in failing to qualify for Euro 2008 when England lost 3-2]. "But when I walked out, with 90,000 people there, the atmosphere was electric – and sometimes England games are not like that. Everyone was up for it. Before the game started I said to myself 'no way we can lose this'. "I looked at the team and we played like we were 10-foot tall and absolutely steam-rollered them. If you play without the shackles and burdens then you play like you did when you were a kid. They say a happy footballer is a good footballer and that's what it's like." "That Euro 2008 failure ushered in Capello and, given the atmosphere around England, it made it easier for the Italian to make changes. "It was similar to getting beaten 10-0 and then coming in on the Monday and the manager saying 'this is how we are doing it now'. You will have absolutely no comeback," Green explains. "You can't exactly say 'it worked for us before, why are we changing it' because it didn't work. And therefore we are changing it. "He could say 'this is what we are doing, this is the recipe for success'. He's a very strong person and a strong personality and that comes across in the manner of his coaching, the way he speaks to us and the way he deals with you [media] guys."
Even so the goalkeeping position is one with England that has come under constant scrutiny. Green has faced the accusation that he is not good enough. "If you read every newspaper or listened to every radio station and behaved as if your life depended on that then you would be in an emotional turmoil. Essentially you have to stay true to yourself. That is enough," he says. "And, believe me, no-one is going to write anything, say anything or do anything to me that is going to put greater pressure on myself than I already have done so. "I can confidently say that if there is any criticism levelled at me then I have done that already. It's what happens when you try to be honest and hard-working."
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That was the season that was 2009/10
KUMB.com
Filed: Friday, 14th May 2010
By: Gordon Thrower
It's been another eventful season. Gordon Thrower, fortified only by several cups of strong, black coffee, has bravely relived the last 10 months so you don't have to. Here's the first instalment of his trawl through the archives...
Pre-season
The club gets new owners as BG hands over the keys to the similarly beleaguered Straumur Group to whom he owes a fair bit of dosh. Any hope that the new owners will make significant investment in their new toy are tempered by the fact that Straumur owe people even more than BG owed them, and their own creditors are circling round like vultures.
On the football side of things, the club finds enough airmiles from Zola's trips back home, to take the squad out to Beijing for the Asia Cup. Included in the squad is new "loan with an option" signing Luis Jiminez, who has come in from Inter. The season gets off to its traditional start when we lose a player through injury. This season it's Luis Boa Morte's turn as the unlucky winger lasts all of 12 minutes of the first match against Tottenham. It's a knee ligament injury that will keep LBM out of the first team all season. Tottenham win the match 1-0 thanks to a Defoe shot that Green allows to squirm under his body. Third place is secured with a 2-0 win over Beijing Guoan. Spurs presumably went on to the thing against Hull but I'll be damned if I'm going to look up the result.
August
We secure an opening-day win against Wolves at Molineux with goals from Noble and Upson. Someone called Kieron Dyer plays for 73 minutes. That and an away win. The first of many surely. A superb volley from Cole gives us the lead at home to Spurs but the same player's shocking pass to Defoe sets up an equaliser, whilst a slip from Spector lets in Lennon to give Spurs two more points than they really deserved. The disappointment in losing is tempered by the news that Jack Collison's father has been killed in a motorcycle accident on the way to the match. That phrase about life & death usually (and incorrectly) attributed to Bill Shankly has never looked more stupidly wrong.
The Carling Cup draw pitches us against Millwall. Police decide that they will take the night off, leaving only a traffic warden and two lollipop ladies on duty. When the predictable fun ensues in Green Street, the Met admit that they'd got the numbers wrong and promise to only send one lollipop lady next time. On the pitch things start badly as the team go 1-0 down. However Stanislas equalises to send the match into extra time. Stanislas then puts away a penalty before Hines makes it 3-1 at the death.
The match is largely overshadowed by some predictably over the top reporting in the national press. The Sun likens the goal-inspired pitch "invasions" to a "war zone". Thousands of squaddies serving in Afghanistan are relieved to discover that their hard work is little more than the equivalent of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks. Meanwhile a Daily Mail editorial comments on the effect that the whole event will have on house prices. Or asylum seekers. I expect.
There is terrible news from Bedfordshire where Calum Davenport is on the receiving end of an horrific knife attack that leaves the player "lucky to be alive" following a domestic incident.
On the transfer front, Alessandro Diamanti arrives from Livorno for an undisclosed fee. It later transpires that the fee has been paid by tapping up club sponsors SBOBet for some sponsorship money up front, following the refusal of the Straumur Group to release funds for transfers.
After a deadly dull 0-0 draw up at Blackburn, all eyes turn to the transfer window. On the way out are Savio to Fiorentina and Ginge Collins to Villa. The Savio deal ends an unhappy time for the "not a replacement for Belllamy" who has failed to settle in England. The deal is a bit complicated but we end up with defender Manuel Da Costa, some cash and a promise of further cash if/when Fiorentina sell Savio. What happened to all the air-miles chalked up by Savio's frequent trips home to Germany is unrecorded.
For the 2,779th time in five years, Eidur Gudjohnsen is linked with a move to the Boleyn. For the 2,779th time he fails to arrive.
September
The clubs much-delayed accounts are finally published showing losses of £37m in 2008 with administration only being avoided thanks to the goodwill of the Club's bankers.
Having missed the transfer deadline proper, the Club brings in a free agent in the form of Argentinian-born Mexican international Guillermo Franco. Disappointingly, Franco turns out to be a striker rather than a midfielder, thus denying those of us who write match reports the chance of including something about "midfield general Franco on the right wing". We don't get out much around here.
On the pitch, Wigan take full advantage of Alan Wiley's self-indulgent officiating. Emulating the similarly disgraceful Clive Thomas, Wiley blows for half time just as Carlton Cole nets what would have been an equaliser, having earlier allowed a stonewall penalty and red card offence to go unpunished when Hines is upended when clean through on goal. Diamanti goes close but Wiley takes all three points for Wigan.
We then lose a cracking game 3-2 at home to a cynical Liverpool side who plumb new depths for diving. A late Torres winner sends the visitors back with all three points despite them looking like the average mid-table team they are.
Silly defensive errors see us go out of the League Cup to bogey side Bolton, in a 3-1 extra-time defeat. Somebody called Dyer starts the match. Nobody called Dyer starts the subsequent league match up at Eastlands as Carlos Tevez nets a brace in our 3-1 defeat to Man City.
The month ends with the FA throwing a shedload of charges at both West Ham and Millwall. Millwall express disappointment at being charged, stating that the behaviour of their fans was praised by the media, who, presumably, must have been joining in with the racial abuse dished out to Carlton Cole then. And those 500 seats just ripped themselves out guv honest. By coincidence, 500 is roughly the number of ticketless fans allowed into the away end by the Met's finest, presumably on the grounds that the kiosks in the Sir Trevor had run out of lucky heather and clothes pegs.
October
In an attempt to reduce the sting from the FA charges, the Club prints loads of photos in the matchday programme of overweight drunks running on the pitch in celebration. A Cole header puts us 1-0 up against Fulham who then have a player sent off. Not for the last time we fail to capitalise and somehow go 2-1 down with only a late equaliser from Stanislas sparing the blushes. Thousands of supporters suffer fits as the team fails to work out how to use the extra man. BBC commentator Nigel Adderley suffers a real fit during the match and is taken to hospital but thankfully makes a full recovery.
Stramur deny that Eggert Magnusson could return and buy the club, adding that there are "no plans" for the sale of the club "at this time". Thousands ask "why the hell not" but no reply is forthcoming.
The team loses away to Stoke for the first time in 26 years, an Upson goal being not enough to cancel out a pair from Beattie, the first coming from the spot after Etherington's blatant dive conned ref Atkinson. It turns into an eventful day for Upson who is felled from behind by a powerful right hook from behind by the cowardly Robert Huth. Huth later gets a three match ban for his efforts.
The soap opera behind the scenes continues as a consortium headed up by US businessman Jim Boew declares an interest in buying the club. Intermarket, as the consortium is known, is said to comprise West Ham supporters made good, though that's about as far as the information goes. Other names in the frame include Air Asia founder Tony Fernandes and Davids Sullivan and Gold.
There is another tv appearance for the club as footage from the Millwall League Cup match makes it onto Crimewatch. As the 15 minutes of fame for the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks goes well and truly into extra time, Crimewatch misses a trick by failing to answer some vital questions such as "Why did the Met reduce police numbers for the match? Why did the Met reduce the allocation of tickets for away fans, then let in at least 500 without tickets?" And, more importantly, "Why are we having to sit through footage of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks instead of CCTV footage of Man Utd supporters wrecking the kiosks at Barnsley, stealing cash and forcing terrified staff to hide in storage cupboards?".
Back on the pitch the team gain an unlikely point having gone in 2-0 down at half time at home to Arsenal. Cole and a Diamanti penalty level the scores whilst a late save by Green seals the point. The one down side of the match being the ludicrous dismissal of Scott Parker for committing precisely zero yellow card offences.
The tables are turned a week later as a halloween trip to Sunderland sees us throw away a 2-0 lead as 10 man Sunderland sneak a point, thanks in no small part to some of the worst diving seen outside Anfield. Steve Bruce may not be the most ignorant man in football but he hides it well as he bemoans Ilunga for getting Kenwyne Jones sent off whilst ignoring the thuggery of Cana and the diving of Malbranque.
And, as the month expires, the club receives a number of responses to the photographs of the goal celebrations of a few overweight drunks. Most of these are asking if any of the photographs are of Kieron Dyer since nobody can remember what he actually looks like.
November
Another month, another tribunal decision. This time former boss Alan Curbishley wins a constructive dismissal case against the club after claiming that the transfer of certain players was undertaken without his prior agreement, thus breaching the terms of his contract. The rumoured payout is said to be £2-3m depending on which paper you read.
On the pitch, the month starts with a decent win at home over Villa. Noble opens the scoring with a spot-kick before the curse of incompetent refereeing raises it's ugly bald head once more – ref Steve Bennett deciding DaCosta's header was somehow a foul as former Hammer backed in. Rob Green saves Young's penalty only to be helpless as the same player levels the scores a few minutes later. Zavon Hines nets a late winner. Very late. It's not all good news though. Ilunga limps off with a hamstring problem after 7 minutes whilst, worryingly, the in-form Carlton Cole does the same only a few minutes later.
For the second season running we outplay Everton at the Boleyn. For the second season running we lose. This time Stanislas' effort is the consolation in a 2-1 defeat that sees us in the bottom three. Salt is rubbed into the wound with the late introduction by Everton of Lucas Neill who hasn't been replaced at the Boleyn.
Rumours of the impending retirement of Dean Ashton resurface as it transpires that he is, at best, further away from a return than ever.
David Sullivan is rumoured to have put together a bid to purchase half the club, a 50% stake being worth £40m. The report turns out to be a little premature.
We get a point from a bizarre 3-3 draw against Hull at the KC stadium. Goals from Franco and Collison give us a two goal lead until Mark Clattenburg starts to turn in what, even by his low standards, a dreadful performance. Awarding a string of free-kicks and a penalty for imaginary offences the woeful ref somehow turns the match around to give the home side a 3-2 half-time lead. DaCosta levels the scores but, as usual, despite the numerical supremacy we are unable to take all three points.
A quick review of the news pages shows that someone called Nigel Quashie leaves on loan to Milton Keynes Dons, an event that causes mass rioting and violent protests in the streets. Of Milton Keynes.
If the Hull match was strange the following home match against Burnley strays into territory straight out of the Twilight Zone. We race into a 3-0 lead at half time through Collison, Stanislas and Cole (pen). Despite another injury to Cole, goals from Franco and Jiminez (pen) put us into a 5-0 lead on the hour, whereupon we appear to declare. Burnley score three goals in the last 15 minutes to leave most supporters grateful that there are only 90minutes in a match as long as Alex Ferguson isn't involved. Cole's knee injury turns out to be serious and ends his 2009.
December
As the ownership race hots up, we open the month with a 4-0 defeat at home to Man Utd. A decent enough first half is spoilt by a late goal for the visitors whilst the team disappears for the second half to concede three more. The sight is enough to make Rob Green throw up on the pitch whilst Zavon Hines spends five minutes hobbling about before being taken off at the interval. The injury turns out to be so serious that even pre-season 2010/11 looks optimistic for his return.
The world's worst secret is finally out with the sad news that Dean Ashton will have to retire. The extent of the player's problems become apparent as he makes a number of tv appearances in which, despite having spent the last few years in treatment and rehabilitation, it is clear that the player is still limping heavily. A sad day.
Back on the pitch we lose 1-0 up at Birmingham to a Lee Bowyer strike who, in keeping with the modern trend, refuses to celebrate his goal. There's a rare sighting of somebody called Kieron Dyer who manages to hit the post having come on as a second-half sub. It remains to be seen how much damage the 40-yard run has caused the player though.
We find out the answer to that question 20 minutes into the following match at The Reebok as somebody called Kieron Dyer leaves the match with a hamstring injury, presumably as a consequence of being unaccustomed to having to appear in two matches on the trot. We subsequently lose 3-1 to bogey side Bolton, with Rob Green having one of those awful games that he seems to reserve for matches against the Trotters.
A dismal performance from Liverpool at Pompey means that any defeat to Chelsea will mean we will be bottom at Christmas, the traditional death sign for Premier League clubs. So, just to be awkward, we pick up an unlikely but unsatisfactory point at home to Chelsea, the visitors gaining an undeserved share of the spoils thanks yet again to the incompetence and dishonesty of referee Mike Dean who has cost us so very many points over the years. This time he guesses that a fine tackle from Upson is a penalty which, just to make himself look big on tv, Dean orders to be taken three times. Other referees love Dean. Nobody else does.
Christmas sees a win and a defeat as Pompey are beaten 2-0 at the Boleyn before we lose two more players to the injury list as Parker and Ilunga hobble off inside 20 minutes as we go down 2-0 at Tottenham, whose current boss it is revealed, is facing criminal charges instigated by HM Revenue & Customs. Franco's 5th booking of the season in the match at Spurs leaves us without a single fit first-team striker going into the new year, where Arsenal await in the Cup.
So the year ends with us stuck in the relegation zone, with no strikers, no money with which to buy strikers, a transfer window approaching with speculation rife that the better players in the squad might be off. The ownership situation is still to be resolved, we have an injury list longer than Matt Le Tissier's nose and one of our best and most promising strikers of recent years has been forced to retire.
Still I got a nice jumper for Christmas so it wasn't all bad.
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That Was The Season That Was 2009/10: Part 2
KUMB.com
Filed: Sunday, 16th May 2010
By: Gordon Thrower
When we left things at the end of 2009, the club was broke, the owners were broke, we had no strikers, the transfer window was just about to open and we were in a relegation fight. Still there was always the cup to look forward to. Gordon Thrower takes a deep breath, sips a large brandy and looks at the period January-March in part 2 of his season review.....
January 2010
We set aside relegation worries for a week as Arsenal visit for the third round of the Cup. Rookies Nouble and Daprela make full debuts whilst Freddie Sears, recalled from the footballing desert that is Crystal Palace, is on the bench. Diamanti's late first-half strike gives a lead that lasts until the 78th minute when Song equalises. A few minutes later Eduardo sends the visitors through to the fourth round, allowing us to concentrate on the league.
The New Year starts with some rather inclement weather as a blanket of snow covers the country. Train companies the length and breadth of the land cancel services whilst Transport for London apologise for not being able to disrupt services to Upton Park in the usual manner. The home match against Wolves is postponed allowing further work on an injury list that, by now, includes Parker, Noble, Franco, Hines, Someone Called Dyer, Gabbidon, Cole, Gabbidon, Ilunga, Davenport, Hines, and Boa Morte.
The ownership situation takes an unexpected – and sad – turn as it is announced that Jim Bowe who is heading up the bid by Intermarket has died. Intermarket spokesman David Byrne (sadly not the Talking Heads frontman) resolves to carry on the bid in Bowe's honour. Intermarket are considered favourites to win by a number of newspapers. Others list Gold & Sullivan as favourites. That covers all of them then. Apart from those who say Tony Fernandes will prevail. They know their stuff these papers.
We haven't had a mention of overweight drunks for a while. The FA finds the club guilty of various crowd offences whilst the damage caused by Millwall to the STB stand and the racial abuse dished out to Carlton Cole are ignored. Strange set of priorities that lot at the FA. We still await the date of the commission looking into the violence at Barnsley v Man Utd but are not holding our breath.
With all the snow and stuff about there is little football of note so we all concentrate on the increasingly protracted ownership situation. Caligari president Massimo Cellino is the latest to be linked with a bid as Italian newspapers claim that a deal has already been done. This news is taken with a large dollop of salt by most observers who note that Italian newspapers are possibly even less principled than our own tabloids.
The team returns to action with a battling point up at Villa Park, the point taking us up to the dizzy heights of 16th place. Someone called Kieron Dyer got a nose bleed at the news, an injury that probably keeps him out for a few more matches.
The un-reality TV show "Hammer Idol" in which several contenders try to impress an Icelandic jury in an attempt to take ownership of the club, proceeds towards all too slowly towards a conclusion, as Air Asia boss Tony Fernandes gets voted off. His version of that song off "Titanic" fails to move the judges and Fernendes announces his withdrawal through something called "twitter".
Despite claims of optimism from the Intermarket group, ownership of the club is finally won by boy duo David Sullivan and David Gold. Although the winning deal gives SuGo (as they quickly become known) only a half share in the club, the duo are given total control for their money. The judges announce that they were impressed both by the duo's plans for the club's finances, their plans to keep developing the legendary Academy and by their brave take on Madonna's "Material Girl" during the auditions.
Barely is the ink dry on the sale agreement before SuGo appoint their old chum Karren Brady as vice-Chairman. Brady has been known to have suffered from "foot-in-mouth" syndrome in the past and she doesn't disappoint on arrival at the Boleyn. Following her bosses' confirmation that they intend to go for a move to the Olympic Stadium after 2012, Brady helpfully chips in with the suggestion that the club could be re-named "West Ham Olympic". "Why, what a really good idea" nobody exclaims.
SuGo start to talk to the press. Gold lets it slip that he was once on the club's books as a schoolboy player and had been offered an apprenticeship with the club. This is something of which Gold is justifiably proud, though he seems strangely reluctant to mention it more than twice in each interview.
SuGo immediately go on the prowl in search of a striker or two to bolster the threadbare squad. Sullivan announces that an unnamed top European player has been offered a six-figure weekly sum to pitch in in the fight against relegation.
In amongst all the news emanating from SuGo, there is the quiet announcement that Nigel Quashie has left the club. For good. Forever. Thousands may possibly line the streets (we were busy that day so we couldn't make it to confirm) as Quashie tearfully bids farewell to supporters eager to give thanks for his contribution to the cause which, is accurately described as immeasurable. Quashie signs a deal to play for QPR, the club with which he started his career. The deal marks the end of an era, though advance orders of the new DVD "West Ham – The Quashie-era" are mysteriously said to be "sluggish".
To nobody's great surprise, the first major non-playing casualty of the new regime is Chief Executive Scott Duxbury. Tersely-worded printed statements from both sides in which the parties wish each other all the best are published. Thousands may possibly line the streets as Duxbury tearfully bids farewell etc etc (we were busy that day too).
The new owners take time out from talking to the press and sacking people to pop down to Pompey to watch their new employees miss a hatful of chances as they draw 1-1. Add another to the long list of bad refereeing decisions as Andre Marriner ignores Boateng's elbow on Tomkins in the build-up to the home side's late equaliser.
The 2,780th linking of Eidur Gudjohnsen with a move to the Boleyn appears. This time the player is genuinely in talks with the club. However, for the 2,780th time Gudjohnsen fails to sign. It appears that, having been based for quite some time in the fiscally-friendly principality of Monaco, Gudjohnsen is keen to take advantage of some of the Spurs' manager's more innovative tax-planning ideas and he ends up warming the bench at White Hart lane for the rest of the season, rather than playing football.
On the way out is Luis Jiminez. Despite being told in pre-season that he was the sort of player around which it was intended that the team should be built, the Chilean has failed to make any sort of impact whatsoever and his loan period is cut short as he returns to Inter. The transfer window rush intensifies as Benni McCarthy has a falling out with the never-likeable Sam "Chips On Both Shoulders" Allardyce. Although a deal to take the player to the Boleyn for £2.5m is said to be close to completion, to absolutely nobody's surprise, Allardyce mislays his biro until after the two clubs have met in an uninspiring 0-0 draw up at Ewood Park. Once more the football is put into perspective by events off the pitch as it transpires that Julien Faubert has played 48 hours after learning of the death of his mother.
Other than that, January was a bit quiet.
February
Another three (yes count 'em three) strikers arrive. Allardyce finds his biro to sign the McCarthy papers and the 32 year-old South African is joined by Mido who comes in from Boro' via Egypt (one of the longer diversionary routes on the A1(M)). The third striker to arrive is Brazilian Ilan who has successfully negotiated a release from St Etienne where his chances have been limited by the success of Sarah Cracknell on lead vocals. Or something.
Ilan is on target up at Turf Moor as the team let in two silly goals and contrive to lose 2-1 to a poor Burnley side. McCarthy manages to miss a sitter and injure himself, whilst Mido, who it is claimed is on £1,000 a week, just settles for missing a sitter.
Sullivan then takes time out from not talking to the press to talk to the press suggesting that 25% pay cuts all round might be the order of the day in the event of relegation. Mido in particular takes a close look at his contract. Zola describes the comments as being "badly-timed" coming as they do just before a vital home match against Birmingham City.
The team win for the first time in ages beating SuGo's former club 2-0 with a stunning first-half free-kick from Diamanti and a second-half effort from Cole. Sullivan claims credit for his earlier "motivational" speech and promises to slaughter the players' first-born if they lose the next match.
The team make it two in a row with a 3-0 win over hapless Hull, who try the trick of having a player sent off to exploit our notorious vulnerability against ten men. It doesn't work and goals from Behrami, Cole and Faubert give us all three points.
It's back to reality in midweek as two from Rooney and the contractually-obliged goal from Michael Owen see us go down 3-0 in a lack-lustre visit to Old Trafford, a match for which Scott Parker is rested. Someone called Kieron Dyer comes on for the last 15 minutes.
March
Karren Brady orders a new supply of P45 forms from HM Revenue & Customs as technical director Nani is the latest to go. We are unaware of whether or not thousands were lining the streets as Nani bade his tearful farewell but we suspect not.
Bogey side Bolton take advantage of some amazingly lenient refereeing from Lee Probert to kick their way to a 2-1victory at the Boleyn with Diamanti netting the consolation.
Next to go is long-serving 'keeper coach Ludek Miklosko. No official explanation is given for the popular Czech's departure though rumours of ill-health abound. Whatever the reason for his going, his name lives on in the form of the famous "Ludo Miklosko Song" in which an ignorance of European geography rarely seen outside of the USA is displayed, as GPS-style accuracy is sacrificed in favour of the convenient rhyme of "Miklosko" with "Moscow".
On the pitch and the terrible away record continued at Stamford Bridge where Chelsea were slightly flattered by a 4-1 win, Scott Parker's equaliser at 1-1 later going on to win the club's Goal of the Season. Someone called Kieron Dyer lasts just over an hour.
Someone called Kieron Dyer is nowhere to be seen as we make it three defeats on the spin in a 2-0 defeat to Arsenal. Diamanti misses a penalty at 1-0 and Arsenal play much of the second half with ten men having seen us play before but it takes a dubious penalty to enable the home side to wrap up the points in front of their usual bunch of trappist muppet supporters.
The P45 stock takes another hit as the ill-fated Calum Davenport comes to agreement with the club over the termination of his contract. Kevin Hitchcock comes in as Ludo's replacement as goalkeeping coach at least until the end of the season. This sets a few tongues wagging as Hitchcock has previously worked with Mark Hughes, who is being touted as a possible replacement for Zola whose position is looking less than certain with every statement that comes from SuGo. And there are lots of those.
We are then treated to possibly the worst performance of the season as we go down 3-1 to a decidedly average Wolves side with Franco's late strike offering no consolation whatsoever. The 5th defeat in a row prompts an email from Sullivan to supporters expressing his anger at the "shambolic" and "pathetic" performance from the players. Sullivan's rant suggests that the players are not playing as a team, a comment with which it is hard to argue.
If Sullivan's comments are meant to be another of his "motivational" efforts they fail to work as we make it a record-equalling six defeats in a row, this time going down 1-0 to a deathly dull Stoke side. Much amusement is gained from the appearance of an extra row of advertising hoardings which have been installed to combat the long throws of Rory Delap – and presumably earn a few bob in the process. Later in the season some Stoke fans earn a refund as the extra hoardings blocked their view. My own application for a refund on the grounds that the hoardings didn't block my view of the match are, presumably, still in Ms Brady's in tray. For the Stoke fans who missed it, someone called Kieron Dyer lasted until half time before going off with a hamstring injury.
So we end this part of the review having lost six in a row, sitting outside the relegation zone only by virtue of having a better goal difference than Hull – who, worryingly have a game in hand. The new owners and the manager seem to be getting on as well as Israel and Palestine and who knows where the next goal – never mind point – is coming from. McCarthy has failed to make an impression anywhere other than as an indentation on the treatment table next to that occupied by Someone Called Kieron Dyer – whose treatment table probably has his name on it. Mido seems to have been drawing his reported £1,000 a week salary in the form of pies. And that nice jumper for I got for Christmas shrunk in the wash.
Still I bet it all turns out ok in the next part.
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